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This weekend is suppose to be my STBAX's visitation .. isn't this sad .. he actually gets brownie points because he took them yesterday .. on a milestone note this is the first Saturday in almost a year he's had the kids. He's suppose to have them for almost 72 hours some of which is their choice and some of which is he can't handle it so that is just not working out.
I have to laugh thinking about his comment on his profile about his favorite thing to do is spend time with his kids. Literally he picked them up at 4PM (he wasn't suppose to be there until 430PM his timeline, this is about catching me doing something, what I don't know or care) they were home before 730PM. He made it 3 hours. It just kind of floors me in terms of he just can't do it .. I remind myself as he did .. he doesn't think like I do. I had two movies I wanted to watch and didn't because the kids were home early. I'm just tired of him trying to control and dictate how to screw up my evenings.
He is picking them up today to take them to the movies. Which is perfect for him because it means he doesn't have to talk to them at all. I'm not saying anything because what is the point. At least he is taking them to do SOMETHING. It's just amazing to me that he's even doing that. This will mean 2 days in a row. Today I plan on going out of the house and being gone when they are dropped off early once again.
My daughter has a key .. she is 15 years old, I feel guilty on one hand because I will know they are home .. I have sat them down to explain that the weekends that are suppose to be their dads time with them now means that these are my weekends for me. I really need a break right now. I don't expect them to spend the night at their dad's, I don't expect them to go to his residence (he is living with his invalid alcoholic mother. She swears like a sailor and honestly with reason she speaks to her son in an awful way. The kids aren't comfortable and I don't blame them neither was I). It doesn't leave a lot to do with him as he lacks imagination. I do need to do for me and honestly I would like to be alone in terms of just with my own thoughts.
For those who have children at home there is nothing like having a complete thought without being asked a completely bizzaro question .. such as .. I'm doing a step 4 and literally in the middle of a deep thought this is what I come to awareness with .. mommy, .. next year do you think Santa can bring me a bike? Or another favorite of mine .. Mom, who do you like as far as KPOP goes? LOL .. now .. both of which I'm happy to address as the time grows closer the other when I can figure out how to pronounce some band I like who plays KPOP (It's Korean pop music, Psy is the only answer on that one I could come up with .. LOL) .. we have time to say the least at this point. Those are just funny examples of me trying to have a deep thought with totally irrelevant questions that are peppered at me once one gets my attention. The only other thing I would need to do is pick the phone up and OMGOSH .. they would both be on top of me. I have given up talking on the phone for that reason.
I would like 48 hours of me time .. I love my children .. I am also with them 99% of the time especially now that summer is here and I have no wish to hurt their feelings or upset them .. however good grief .. REALLY? Not even 8 hours of quiet time .. I just can't fathom being away from my children for that long. Again that is me.
So this is me whining and I'm glad the kids got to go and have some fun yesterday even more glad that they are going today again. They will have fun and that's a good thing. Oh yes and he text me (again) .. my poor boy was not looking like a happy camper. I get a picture that says D wanted you to see his new shirt .. ookkkk .. the poor kid looked like he was being held at knife point .. he didn't smile .. he didn't know what to do with his arms or his hands .. he was NOT relaxed in the least. I was like oookkk .. I just said Nice .. as I didn't want to not say anything because he would say something to my son about it. I asked D about it when he got home and I did not get the feeling this was his idea. I don't know what STBAX's motives are and I don't care .. I don't want to hear from him unless it's a 911 situation as HE legally can't make decisions for the kids.
Anyway, that's my moan and groan .. LOL .. I need another cup of coffee and to wake up more .. I'm just really disgusted with the STBAX at the moment. I guess honestly that's not a new feeling for me in this situation.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
As a single Mom who was also the breadwinner with little bread for the bread, I get it, Serenity. I commend you for recognizing that you do need me time and time to replenish yourself. My x - after awhile - did take the children when they were older every other weekend although we lived in different states. I also belonged to a divorce support group and developed relationships to folks who were good with my kids and good with me. My church home was a big help, too. I hope you are able to find some folks who your kids enjoy and you can trust who might invite them to a movie or an overnight if there aren't already folks like that in your life. I'm glad you are getting out this afternoon for a little bit just to take care of you. It's a basic need not just a nice thing to do on a Sunday afternoon. You are wise to recognize it and to find ways to meet it. So many Moms don't always recognize that and can and do snap.
I so feel all that you have said.
For the first couple of years my ex would come every second weekend, take our daughter to the park for half an hour, bring her back, ask to borrow some money and then tell everyone how he lives for his daughter and...when he paid me back the money he had borrowed he paid it direct to my real estate agent in installments and told everyone "he was paying my rent"!!!! And everyone (our old friends etc) would tell me what a fantastic guy he is!!! Living for his daughter and paying his ex-wifes rent!!! GAAAAH!!!!!
lol.
When she was 3 he started doing overnights on saturdays every second weekend and he would pick her up late saturday night, take her home and put her to bed and drop her home again at the crack of dawn sunday....why? She was asleep the entire time!! It just meant I had to get up extra early..one time I said I wouldn't be there first thing in the morning as I was going to spend a night away and he said..."You'll be there or I'll be leaving her at the police station" !!!!!!!!
lol sorry your posts just bring back so many grrr memories.
A million hugs to you. I hope you get some thinking time this afternoon; I don't know why children see silence as an enemy but they so do!!!
(((Serenity)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I understand your feelings and NEEDS. Good for you for having the awareness that you need time alone...we cannot give from an empty cup. If I knew this when my kids were young, I would have been more patient with my them. Hang in there...
I lied - I also think inept fathers are FAR more common but it goes under the radar when they have no solo parenting responsibilities. I can hear it in many of the posts here from the women. They are doing 99 to 100 percent of the parenting. Some of them are even in denial and will say "He's a really great and loving dad!" Um...he is? Why? Cuz he can play with them like a child once in a while? That's not a dad.
So yeah. Divorce will often show how much skill or lack there of people have for parenting (it actually goes both ways but clearly is more common that it reveals the father's lack of parenting skill).
OK, I totally get this!!! My AH works from home, I homeschool my son and I am the primary caretaker for him. I hardly ever have the house to myself and I never can make phone calls in the house unless they're to make appointments or something. It's not like I can call my sponsor while I'm at home and talk because my AH is always here. And, I mean nearly ALWAYS!!! He travels only once a month for 3-4 days, that's it. I rely on my son's tennis tournaments to give me a break from him, but then I still have my son around and can't talk to anybody then either.
And, I also get the interruptions from the children, too. Just when I sit down to journal or something, my wonderful son comes in and starts telling me about something inane and I sit there patiently waiting for the story to be over, realizing that I've completely lost my 'feeling' or 'thought' about what I'm journaling, LOL. Love the kid to pieces, but there are times when I wish I had more time alone for sure.
Hugs to you!!! Seconding what Pink said: Your kids are lucky to have you!
Bonnie
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I tried to escape to the bathroom - and my son would stand outside the door - "Mom. Mom. Are you in there?" "Yes." "Oh, I just wanted to let you know that I just found my baseball." I'm a night owl who retrained herself to get up at 5 or 5:30 a.m. just so I could have an hour or two to start my day in solitude. My son would arise like clock work at 7 am and come to the couch wrapped in a blanket and talk and talk and talk about his dreams. I could listen because I'd had that hour or two to wake up slowly and spend time in prayer and just watching the day's light changing. I think I would have gone nutz if my HP hadn't made the suggestion that I go to bed earlier and get up earlier. We love them and they are little people who can tax us on a whole lot of levels in my experience.
What's even funnier is now that my old lady kitty has moved back in .. even when the kids are gone I can't use the potty in peace. I see the paw come under door trying to deliberately open the door. Then the whining starts .. good grief lol. I get up ideally around 530am .. that doesn't mean I'm awake. I do get some quite time. It never is enough lol.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I like when I am in the shower and daughter stands outside talking in an urgent yet not-loud-enough-to-hear-over-the-water voice and when I turn off the water so I can hear her emergency or get of the shower to open the door it's so she can remind me to buy ice-cream because we are running low or ask if I think the dog would enjoy a trip to the snow or... lol
My car does the same thing Serenity. It's just weird lol.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
My cat I mean. My car doesn't follow me to the toilet and try to come in. That would be weird.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I know that feeling, its like if I hear the word mum one more time, lol. The funny thing is that these questions and the following you about are the very things you miss. My youngest is 17 tomorrow and he and I were joined at the hip, now im lucky if I get to see him for more than a couple of hours at a time. I miss him but I love having the house to myself, the peace, the quiet, the tidyness. It will, come soon enough serenity, your doing so well.x
I love this post. It reminds me of "Life on Life's terms" lessons which still are good lessons. This is where I can project "what ifs" into my day if I have the time to. Actually I don't have my life all to myself...Thinking about my own cave brings temporary relief at times and then the reality sets in. I like the idea and the opportunity at times of "My life on my terms" and then I see that I would need a huge poster board set up in downtown Hilo that would flash on "Not Now....Jerry F". Learning to meditate on my feet was and is crucial to my serenity because it changes my body language...relaxes me from the inside out and projects a posture of peace and I don't get into making an event more unacceptable to myself. I listen to your "Visitation Vent" with just a tad of envy when I remember my visitations (court ordered) with my children and my ex-addict and her church people would come and snatch the children from me against the order....blah, blah, blah...in the past done, over, turned it over then and now. My mother wanted a priest/monk when I came alone (LOL!!) ...suggested I would be happier in a Trappist Monastery where I lived in my own room and didn't speak but one day a year for only a certain period of time...the rest of the time I would be on my knees praying. I don't know but I think this would have pissed God off even more and God would have sent me to live in a football stadium every weekend. LOL. Learning to make my plan and live that plan to the very best of my ability is programming for me...maybe not for "them" ...just for me and at times I will gladly live in their plan. (((((hugs)))))
Well I swear STBAX .. just when I think he can surprise me no more .. he does and I'm just trying to stay in my hula hoop and leave it alone. Please do know .. he got sued this week for nonpayment of a bill. So what does he show up in? A used car .. ohhh does this bring back ANY memories for anyone else who has been on this long ass journey with me?
Car, last year .. totaled .. concrete barrier jumping in front of the car? Broken face, broken hand, .. LOL .. ohhh .. thank God thank you God .. it really made me realize I was beyond done at that point. UGH. Remember how I said repeating the past recently??? Well .. here we go again .. he's in used car that he's thinking about buying. He owes me no less than 3k in back support .. which I will ring out of him as sure as the day is long. I'm old school that way or I'm new school maybe .. my kids deserve that money and so do I. Anyway long story short .. the courts will deal with it .. lol.
They are headed to the movies .. NOT the movie he wants to see. Which makes me laugh .. he tried to convince my boy that yes he wanted to see Godzilla .. my little guy will get set in his ways and knows what he wants to do and what he doesn't .. lol. Thank GOD he takes after his mother that way .. LOL. My daughter doesn't want to see XMen because of who directed it and the scandal of child abuse. LOL .. that leaves Spiderman 2 which doesn't start until 4PM and I was insistent with them all they get picked up by noon. So I was clear again I told them I love them however if they choose not to go with their dad on his visitation .. they will sit at home. I have to do what is right for me and part of being right for me is getting out of the house and making my own life. I go to 1 meeting a week right now on Friday nights woo hoo .. I'm a wild woman. I go to church Saturday nights .. LOL .. I know I'm burning down the town. So the idea that I can go and just do what I want to do without reporting in to anyone is MY earned luxury.
I'm watching The Monument Men at the moment and enjoying myself on leftover stew and I will make popcorn shortly to go with my movie .. before the next one starts I'm going to watch I, Frankenstein.
LOL .. I'm enjoying myself and doing some housework as well .. point is .. I am alone, I am able to decompress after a very stressful week and when I see my beautiful children again I will be in a better frame of mind to enjoy them.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
