alcoholic son - Al-Anon Family Group

NLM · Newbie

alcoholic son

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, NLM: Welcome to MIP. The board is very quiet tonight, but others will come on at some time to welcome you.

I also have a son with this disease. I don't know if your son does, but maybe. It is incredibly difficult to admit and to accept that we are powerless over our adult children and what they do or don't do. We hope they'll wake up and be themselves again. We try to help but nothing we do seems to solve the problem.

The solution for me was to enter the rooms of Al-Anon. There I could sit with others who could understand and could relate to my experiences - not all - but, many. Sometimes, just being in an Al-Anon meeting was about the only peace I could experience. Al-Anon literature, learning the slogans, finding a good sponsor and spending time with others who were actually working the program was a lifesaver for me.

I hope that if you have not already gone to any meetings that you do for your sake. Your son may or may not enter the rooms of AA. That is up to him and to his HP. But you can enter the rooms of Al-Anon and find comfort, encouragement, support and tools that will help you discover ways to help yourself deal with this disease. It not only affects our loved ones who drink. It affects us in horrible ways if we don't get help for ourselves.

Please keep coming back here, too. We have on-line meetings twice a day and a chat room following the meetings. The times should be posted at the top of our board here?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to the board....there are a lot of moms in your shoes......listen to what grateful said, she has an A son, and some of the other moms will get on for sure and guide you as to what they are doing to take care of themselves and not let this take them down

I know rule #1 is that we didn't cause this program.....we can't control this problem.....we cannot cure this.........all we can do is save our own skins by working a strong program with the meetings, steps work w/a good sponsor and the slogans, reading the literature...

i have to younger alkie brothers who refuse help.....i can love them, but i am totally detached from their drama/disease.....one of them is facing eviction on his warehouse b/c booze came b4 the rent....I will not help him pay his rent........he did this, he can get himself out of this.......its my only hope (letting him face the consequences) of his ever getting into AA...so far he is not....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board NLM and keep coming back...Alcoholism is the mother of all diseases...it will never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence and yet it is a family disease which can and often does destroy even those who do not drink at all. My eldest son is 48 and has relapsed back into drinking. He had been moving toward that for years and all a person had to do that understands was to take a look at the shambles of his life all around him. He's out there...way out there and there is absolutely nothing I can further do for him because he isn't willing to do anything that doesn't first occur to his sick mind. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. Alcohol is also a liquid depressant...adding anti-depressants to it doesn't balance emotions out...mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually he can and will get worse. Without recovery he's got two choices; insanity and/or death. Sound like he's already earned the first one.

You don't have to let this disease take you down with him. There is no rational law that says (I had to learn this) that when they drink, get drunk and get sick or hurt that I had to surrender my life and my happiness over to it. I was so glad to learn that because insanity and death because of this family disease is also available to the friends and or family of the alcoholic.

He probably didn't start drinking because his wife left him although blaming others for the drinking is very very common. It probably was the other way around. I did the same with my first addict wife and then my second alcoholic/addict wife...(I think I've since learned my lesson). The program which saved my sanity and life is the Al-Anon Family Groups. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book and see if the hotline number for Al-Anon is there. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and then come take your seat and quickly as you can. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) in support smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. You will see we have many members with the same issues.

One thing that will help you is, his disease is his own. Counting his bottles, looking at how much he drinks, worrying over him does no good. he is an adult, he knows what he needs to do.

We have no business getting into their disease, it is theirs alone.once I was told to drop the rock. Let go, stop getting into his stuff.

We make it worse by babying them, worrying over them. He has a problem, not us.

Al anon teaches us how to stay on our own stuff, not get into the A's. I would not even talk about it with my AH. It was his problem not mine.

Its harder when they are our kids, yet it is the same, allow them the dignity to figure it out for themselves.If he wants to go to ER, he can get there. If he wants to see doc, he can get there.if he drinks and does the meds, that is up to him.

We learn to detach from their disease, it is not ours.If I go to my sons and see a bunch of beer cans, I say nothing. Its none of my business. If he is going to bars playing pool again not my thing.(none of this happens, just an example)

I do not take him in, he cannot live with me as that is enabling. Making them comfortable while the disease has fun using them.

if they want to go to aa they can get themselves there. If they lose their home, they can figure out where to live.

I know it hurts horrible, but believe me, when we learn to just love our kids, and stay out of their way, we feel so much better. I have a few friends who are A. I just lovem, what they do is none of my business.

I am so glad you found us. I hope you will feel supported. We also care about your son too!He did not choose this. I don't know if he is an addict or not, but his behavior is pointing towards it. Any interference by us makes it worse! He needs to feel his own pain,his own falls to get where he may finally see he has to get himself well. he needs to call for help, get a ride to help. remember their disease is none of our business.

Hugs!

NLM · Newbie

Thank you all for replying! I know I have to distance myself from all of this, and know how hard thats going to be! I worry about him taking his own life with the drinking and depression. Had the local police come by a couple times to talk to him and both police officers had been in the same place my son has been in. He tells them he wouldn't consider it, has a young son to live for but with some of his comments at times he sounds suicidal. Its comforting to know I have a place to talk to someone about all of this and I have been to a Al anon meeting many years ago with a friend and never thought I would ever be in this position.

Rose50 · Senior Member

Welcome NLM -

I am the mother of a 35 year old AS and I understand. The past 4 years have been a series of ups-and- downs and my enabling which did more harm than good. He's been hospitalized on several occasions and when I thought he finally reached his bottom, there was another crisis around the corner.

As far as I know, he is in a halfway house now and attending AA meetings. I can only hope and pray that this time it sticks. But I now understand I cannot control him or his choices. I can only work on myself. Al-Anon has been a blessing so I would strongly suggest you attend meetings. That saved my sanity. You are not alone....

(((hugs)))

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome NLM

I'm the mother of a 36 year old AS and I too understand. I have enabled to the point of total collapse. I didn't let go until I came here. Yeah things got worse but I continued to pray, learn and take care of my needs. My son is now in jail for his 3rd DUI waiting on his sentence tomorrow. I think this is where God wanted him because he was so so bad I knew he wasn't going to make it much longer. He has lost everything and last thing to lose would be his life.

My son has done it all. Drinking vodka all day everyday. Driving and stealing, lying and crying. Depression and anxiety to the point of madness. Stops drinking and ends up in hospitals and detox with seizures and near death. Rehab and jails....nothing helped him hit his bottom.

In this last year and a half I have found myself again. I started taking care of me and learning my part in all of this. I am happier and can now love my son with kindness and understanding. I can let him live his life where ever it takes him. I pray for him daily that he too will find his way to recovery but I can't do it for him, I never could.

Recovery for ourselves is the only way to go. The longer you wait the heartache will get worse.

Keep coming back because you are not alone here......we will love you until you can love yourself

((( hugs )))

NLM · Newbie

So glad I found this site, its been very helpful. No one else in my family can relate or understand. Its hard being a Mom! Didn't think in a million years I'd ever be dealing with all of this. I am an hour and a half drive from my sons house and certainly can't be there often. He's obsessed with getting his wife back. She took off with another man. Why he would even consider it, I have no idea. The drinking continues.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I certainly didn't see myself dealing with this in my family or with my son either. Thank God. I would have gotten into bed and stayed there for the rest of my mortal days. Fortunately, we're not alone and we do this together to the best of our abilities. Glad you're here. Thanks for the share.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, Welcome and Glad you found us on Miracles In Progress! I am the father of a 32 year old alcoholic son. He too has lost his wife, his home, his career, and today sits inside a state prison for actions he took to secure his next drink. To some, his drinking became worse after losing his wife to another man. However, based on my knowledge that is not where his alcoholism got off the ground. It was his alcoholism that had him vacate the marriage long before the wife ever left the marriage or was with another man. He was not present and available to his wife because his real relationship was with alcohol, and the one he cared most about in the marriage was himself. His alcoholism and all the BS that goes with it pretty much pushed her right out the door of his life.

Now as many people here on this board know, I went right into rescue mode, did all I could to try to help him. To reach him. Even flew him from Texas to North Carolina in hopes that it would give him a break from the pain he was experiencing, sitting in his foreclosed home by himself, trying to drink himself to death. I did exactly what I knew I shouldn't do. Interfere or intervene with his suffering the full ramifications of his decisions, attitudes and actions. Alcoholism is portable. It came with him to North Carolina and all the stuff that I told him would not be tolerated here, is exactly what he brought with him here. Drama, crisis, chaos, and conflict. But I have to take him out of the picture today, and realize that it was me that relapsed in my own recovery via Al-Anon. I was trying to control and manipulate him to get my own desired results. It was me that was throwing money at his disease in one form or another, be it buying a ticket to fly here or handing a bondsmen 1000.00 to get him out of jail. Literally catching him with his hands in my pant pockets while I slept, stealing money, or breaking the ignition on my truck to take it on a beer run, while I was at a meeting, And gawh, I let all that slide with the idea that if I'm too harsh he will run and I'll lose the opportunity to be of any help to him at all. And what I call the alcoholic promises... "I'll help you if you will commit to going to AA meetings at least once a day". "I know I need to do that. I promise I will dad." Well, the AA Intergroup office and Fellowship Center is only 7 minutes from my home on foot. It holds 4 AA meetings a day, and two in the eve at 6pm and 8pm. In the approximately 6 weeks he was here, he went to two meetings, and that's only because I literally took him to them with me. No effort on his own, of his own accord whatsoever.

Well, after discovering beer cans in my trash can outside, under a tarp in my back yard that covers some of my work equipment and then even under his bed in the room I provided for him, with the condition that he could not drink in or around my home or be under the influence of alcohol while staying with me, enough was enough. I put him out. Right here in North Carolina. I wasn't going to put one more dime out there for him, not even a ticket back to Texas. Besides he had nothing to go back to in Texas so what would be the purpose...

That night he was arrested for breaking into a little mom and pop convenient store and stealing... yep, a 12 pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes. Charged with a felony, his bond was set at 10,000.00. And its right before Christmas. I swore I wasn't going to get him out. He could sit there, he was safer there, blah, blah, blah... then 3 days before Christmas my own DIS-EASE had me putting money in a bondsmens hand to get him out of jail before the holiday. On Christmas eve, he ran. Back to Texas, leaving me hold a debt to a bondsmen for 10,000.00.

I had hit my own bottom finally! So, I gave up the rescuing and moved with the help of my sponsor into taking care of me. I located him through family in Texas, provided the bondsmen with where he was, including the physical address, and within 12 hours the bondsmen had a bounty hunter grab him and transport him right back to North Carolina's, New Hanover County Jail. He ended up on a 3 year probation, and then violated it by leaving the state.. again... and now sits in prison. Holding himself out like a victim. Blaming everyone and everything for his situation in life.

I share all this to say this... Alcoholism doesn't just jump out of a bottle one day because a wife left, or got with another man. The I.S.M (I. Self, and Me (ie. Self Centeredness) or.. I Sabotage Myself) was in play long before that stuff transpired. While married, he drank what is called a "few beers" by some family and friends, after work each day. In reality, it was 6 - 12 beers each evening. I don't believe that qualifies as a "few". So, many people tried to minimize his condition, and the reality of his alcoholism, and it progressed unchecked for a very long time,to the state he arrived here in North Carolina.

Today, when he writes me from prison, and I read all the victimization in his words, I have to remember... it is Alcoholism... it will never become Alcoholwasism.

John

Ingwe · Member

Hello Nlm :)

Posting here is a good first step and everyone else has said everything so well. I have an alcoholic son, too. One day I was at the Dr and explaining that I was having problems with my son without going into the details and that I was finding it very hard to find joy in my daily life. He told me that "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child" and for a long, long time this was true for me.

I'm getting it now, slowly figuring it out. With the help of Al Anon and reading this forum I have a great deal of joy in my daily life that didn't seem possible even a few weeks ago. I can't "fix" things for him anymore, he has to figure that out for himself. I will be OK and I pray each day that he will too.

((((Hugs))))

NLM · Newbie

John, my heart goes to you! You have been through the worst of the worse. I do believe my son has a problem with the alcohol but isn't ready to admit it. His wife was a drinker too and together they would have a "few" drinks at night. I try to be there for my son, to talk. I am trying to get him to see a local pychologist , he specializes in depression and anxiety which my son has always had. His next step is going to AA but he has to make that call. i don't want him so dependent on me. This is wearing me down, making me unhappy. I just want him to seek the help he needs, I can't do it for him.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You are right NLM you can't help him and it will make you very unhappy if you continue to try. When I came here I was a mess but over time I have learned to take care of me, to learn to let go and give my son the dignity to discover on his own he has a problem. It got bad and now he sits in prison but if that's where his HP needs him to be right now I will except that.

I pray for my son and I love him dearly but I will not interfere with his disease ever again.

Keep coming back because you are not alone here....we understand what your going through.

((( hugs )))

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