Being Banned from Al-Anon for Being Late - Al-Anon Family Group

licoricecat · Newbie

Being Banned from Al-Anon for Being Late

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh goodness. I am not sure if it is allowed or not. I notice that a lot of people "think" that being late is a sign of disrespect. However, I try to take the full perspective that sometimes life gets in the way. Whether it be medical issues, a child, traffic, forgetfulness etc. I know that may not have been helpful. I can understand how that would be hurtful if the intention was not to be disrespectful.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

On the flip side, I always try to see both sides. I also had to admit to myself when I had spread myself "too thin" and admit to myself that I just cannot take anything else onto my plate. If I am consistently late, I need to make an adjustment.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Umm .. I have NEVER heard of that kind of behavior at an alanon meeting .. people have lives and challenges we all do the best that we can do. Part of this program is accepting others where they are at.

Now I used to tease when someone would come in late .. it is and was always followed with a so glad you are here, hug and a laugh. I am constantly late to my Friday night meeting .. I have kids and they need to eat, I need to drive and it is what it is.

I hope you can find a different meeting to attend .. that's not ok.

Hugs S :)

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can find another meeting as well. If you do not feel comfortable, I say listen to your gut.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been in meetings with a person who always arrives very late to meetings for whatever reasons she has and others who perpetually arrive at least 5 to 7 minutes after the meetings. We just make room for them even though it is disruptive, it is what it is. No one has been banned for being late - especially when newcomers can't always find the right meeting room and are late.

In our meetings, anyone can ask for a group conscience meeting for any reason although that request must be announced 3 weeks in a row before the meeting is held. No members can say no to it. We can go or not go to the meeting. That is the choice that is offered.

We can discuss issues pertaining to the group as a whole that are of major concern - no topics are off limits to our groups. There are folks who have come to our meetings - and I can't even count the number on one hand - who were dangerous to individuals in the group or to the group as a whole. In that case, then members did discuss the offender's behavior with or without them present and that didn't require the normal 3 week request for a group conscience meeting.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Grateful. That was very informative. I have never been to a meeting that has had the need to do that.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Gosh I guess I am very lucky. My meetings are very respectful, kind and courteous.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I started in 1979 attending meetings and have been to many, many meetings. I think my experience overall has been the same as yours. We've only had an occasional troublemaker - and I mean big time trouble - to deal with in all those years. It really is a good place to go, I agree, to be with others who are respectful, kind and courteous for the most part based on my experience in those meetings. When I consider all the different people who come and all the years I've been in the rooms - Wow! What a great program!

oldergal · Senior Member

Not sure but I think the group needs to be reminded of "principles over personality's". Personalities being; their participation in gossip about a member. I have seen groups go with the senior members opinions, but at times some members may get caught up in ego, power and control because they have been able to behave this way and they haven't checked themselves. I can't offer a solution, but I can say that explaining your needs and hardships may help. But only if you want to. Another group if possible may be another answer. Good Luck and prayers from my side of the world. .......og

slogan_jim · Senior Member

I have never heard of this type of thing happening. It sounds like these members have huge issues with control. Seasoned or not, it is not "their" group. They don't own it and they should power trip somewhere else.

People show up late in my home group and open meeting all the time. Noone says a thing.

The difference between me and you is I would have brought it up after the meeting when they ask if anyone has any announcements. That's just who I am.

I say find another group that has an interest in seeing you get better and not in playing al-anon police. Who needs them?

-- Edited by slogan_jim on Saturday 7th of June 2014 03:47:27 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I would find another more supportive group

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, this has never happened to any members that are late. I find being late, though interesting, if it is more than occasional. Of course, things come up that are out of our control. I am curious, though, about people that are habitually late to meetings (I believe how we do anything is how we do most everything). I wonder if there are deeper issues when being late is habitual.

Mirandac · Veteran Member

My meeting is 1 1/2 hours at 9 am friday.I get home at 11 pm on thurs, so i usually show
Up at 930 other people come in after me. I can understand if its an hour meeting there
Might be issues, but we all do the best we can with what we have to work with. I need my
Sleep i work alot and 9am is a hardship so other people should not judge me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Mirandac: I have been guilty of judging one gal who is always late to our meetings. She'd come in noisily, walk over others to get to a chair, plunk her bag down on the floor, and then noisily rummage through it looking for whatever it was she was looking for - usually a thermos with some beverage. She'd pour the beverage in her cup and then finally settle. Week after week, month after month, this went on. Nobody ever said anything to her. We'd just move our chairs and the person speaking would try to continue over the noise coming from whatever direction this gal was seated in for this week. After about two years of this, I finally reached my limit of tolerance. I really wanted to invite her to get to the meetings on time if she could (she didn't work) or at least be quiet about it. But, I knew that wasn't my place and the feelings kept on going. So, I inventoried why this gal's behavior bugged me so much that my feelings and thoughts were starting to block out the meetings. I know that sometimes when we feel strongly about something that it points to something in us we've disowned because we don't like it about us. No. I usually am very good about getting places on time. Well, then, did something happen to me that created such a stir in me that I needed to look at and let go. No. Well, then what? Well, the problem for me was that I believed she should do what I do - get there on time. When I realized that (and I was in a meeting then and doing this all in my head as I waited for her to settle), I laughed (silently, but a laugh all the same). I did judge her and she helped me discover something about myself I didn't know. Her late comings and goings don't bother me anymore. Thanks for bringing this up. I agree that judging you for being late to meetings is hurtful. It wasn't hurtful to this gal since everyone did accommodate her and respond to her. But, it was hurtful to me and I needed to let it go. If you have felt judged by somebody in your group and were hurt by it, I'm sorry. I could have been that person, too, at one time.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

slogan_jim wrote:
I have never heard of this type of thing happening. It sounds like these members have huge issues with control. Seasoned or not, it is not "their" group. They don't own it and they should power trip somewhere else.

People show up late in my home group and open meeting all the time. Noone says a thing.

The difference between me and you is I would have brought it up after the meeting when they ask if anyone has any announcements. That's just who I am.

I say find another group that has an interest in seeing you get better and not in playing al-anon police. Who needs them?
-- Edited by slogan_jim on Saturday 7th of June 2014 03:47:27 PM

agree...i have never seen this where one is banned for beign late.......this group sounds unhealthy and maybe it was a blessing u were ousted......and yea, "who needs them????"

astallaslions · Veteran Member

I am sorry that is happening to you. I have had awkward experiences in group and it is always based around control. I had a guy laugh in the middle of my share inappropriately. I know we all have different reactions to things that bring about emotive responses, but it was very off putting, and then right after this laughing instance, (note this was one of my very first shares), he leaned over and said some sarcastic remark. I was shocked. It felt like such a violation. I had been sharing that I sometimes felt very overwhelmed and defeated by the 12 steps, instead of assisted by them. I have and still struggle with the skepticism that 12 steps cannot be a cure-all for mending the wounds of alcoholism, achieving true spirituality and peace. This was my current feelings, and instead of respecting them, the guy made fun of them. I didn't go back to that meeting for awhile. I finally tried again b/c I had always liked the overall vibe of the place, but something else happened a few meetings after I returned. I was reading the 12 steps, when the speaker cut me off b/f I could read the 12th one. He was tired that evening and wasn't aware, and it was no big deal, so I let him continue the opening statement. The women next to me just kept insisting I read the 12th step, as if we didn't read it the whole meeting would be ruined. IDK maybe its her favorite step, maybe she needed that consistency, but she was getting quite rude, and by the 3rd time she asked me I said, "Well, then you can read it if you like" and she got all hissy and started whispering to a neighboring member about me. It felt very much like HS. I have rarely gone back there, and I have been avoiding meeting b/c of these bad experiences, but I am thinking of potentially starting up again and trying to find a new location. I'm sorry you were put in such a position. I never addressed my situations with the group, and I might try that, but at this point I kinda just want a fresh start. I hope you can work it out with yours or find a new one. good luck.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

As usual I am the square peg! lol I have always been glad when someone comes in, glad they could get there.

Even in our Sunday meetings people may come in late, again, I am soo glad they came! To me it is only disruptive if they come in rudely.

Life is very hard, situations may be too. Who knows what each of us go thru to even leave our home.

I have always been late. The physical condition is not one I want to anounce. I find it very stessful to leave my home. Just do. My digestive system takes on a mind of it's own....Almost every time I leave to go somewhere, I either have to go back home, or hit the bathroom where ever I go!

Does not matter if I go before I leave the house. My physical me does not react to social situations well at all.

At my one meeting place in the mountains I was made to feel so welcome, I had to sit in the back room. Was soooo wonderful as people would make a point to come back there to say hi. (c:

I have been back in my home in the country for 1 1/2 years now and am still leery of going to my sunday meeting. I want to go so badly, but they were never very friendly before.I am not a phoney, I usually love my sisters and brothers. This congregation is cold. The elders do not listen, and don't do what they share in meetings.

anyway sooo my guts right now I cringing thinking about going tomorrow! sigh.

So when someone is late, hey it is not my problem. I feel it is my responsibility of out of love to smile at them and wink or givem a small wave!

small stuff, when ya compare it to the world situation. hugs!

Flower49 · Senior Member

This for me seems to be the common thread in the 6-8 meetings I attempted to attend. When walking in as a newcomer no one greeted me. Generally there are groups hanging together talking about this person or that person in the meeting. Each meeting had very specific rules on who would talk, who would read, who would select a topic. I ended up finding this online avenue. I never even got to share my story with a single soul and I really needed the help. Now I attend CODA meetings which in my area are very small but at least I am accepted.

karma13 · Senior Member

There are no musts in alanon. I leave my meetings ten minutes early for work all the time. I have never had anyone say anything. A lot of people come in late, it doesn't bother me....it's their recovery...not my business.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My meeting is held in a really small room, its not easy to slip in late, its very disruptive when someone comes in late, but its more to do with room. I always feel for the person at the top table if their share is interrupted by late coming, its quite nerve racking speaking in front of people and most people put effort In and plan it out. I think if late coming for health reasons then of course it should be accepted. Other reasons not so much, I go to a meeting occasionally where a man comes In late, fair enough there are lots of people who come in late but its a large group and room so its not a big deal. This man however, first, muches on an apple, loudly, then opens a bottle of sparkling water, loudly, then offers people chewing gum. Every single time, I think thks is so disrespectful to the person sharing and very off putting, it puts me off going to those meetings because I find it hard to concentrate.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Flower, thats amazing to me, 6 to 8 meetings without being welcomed or having the opportunity to share, wow, did they hug you at the end? Or ask you to share? I honestly cant quite believe that.

karma13 · Senior Member

Just want to add I agree with Betty;) is there another meeting you can go to? I had to shop around different meetings before I found my home group meetings.

-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 24th of June 2014 01:39:06 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I agree its a lesson right there really.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

el cee: Maybe the guy at your meeting can meet the gal in my meeting? They'd understand each other completely. I had to grin when I got to the munching an apple - EVERY TIME. Ahhhhhhhh, people. Aren't we a scream? Perhaps there are people in my meeting who turn to each other with their eyes saying: "What??????!!!!!!!!!! What did she say????? I don't get it." They might welcome the apple muncher during my share?

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