Sigh.

Don't even know where to begin with all of this. It might not make much sense. It might be too much about what the A is doing. It might sound like a lot of whinging. It'll certainly be long.  But let me preface with, I feel OK. I know I can navigate my way through and I know HP has my back. One foot in front of the other. Not sure which direction to face my feet, but...

Still, wow.

So, it all started about a week ago with me mentioning to A that I will be wanting to use my car soon (he's had the use of it for 2 years now). He threw a tantrum, a ridiculous non-stop tantrum about how I was "doing" this to him (stopping him from getting to work) and at no point did he even acknowledge or care about the fact that its a big deal and a positive thing for me to be learning to drive, of course. Still, kinda ouch. 2 years he has had to buy himself a car and instead he has trashed mine, refused to teach me to drive in it, and wasted his money on drinking and gambling and whistles and farts and unicorn horns and whatever else he spends his income (which is double mine) on. Now I want to drive it and he behaves as though he's found me in bed with his best friend or something.

This came about in the same week that I started using an asthma puffer for the first time in my life. No idea if I have asthma or not but I was having so much trouble breathing from the aftermath of my mega-flu that the doctor gave it to me anyway and will do tests when my lungs are back to normal. My mum started having asthma at about my age so who knows. I don't think I do. Anyway I've had the thing next to my bed, on my desk, used it in front of him and I found it so very, very weird that he never commented on it because, if he suddenly started using an asthma puffer after 8 years, I'd notice and enquire after his health, wouldn't ANYBODY? Wouldn't you say "wow since when did you need one of those, are you OK?" I did catch him looking at it strangely once; I think he was trying to decide "has she always used one of those?". lol. I had a giggle to myself; should I walk in wheeling an oxygen cart with tubes up my nose and see if he comments? Or be in an iron lung when he arrives home? Would he notice that?

Anyway this tantrum over me wanting my car back was basically the same tantrum he threw when he lived in my flat rent free for 2 years and expected to lie on the couch being fed grapes, and I finally demanded he contribute to rent and bills and buy his own food. He screamed and yelled and said he was leaving me and I got scared and said I was sorry and he kept doing what he was doing and I felt a little bit more hopeless and ashamed. The same thing when I lent him thousands of dollars for "just a few months" and then had the audacity to ask him for it back 2 years later. It's been 6 years now, no money, the tantrum worked again. Same tantrum when he was demanding that I go to work and mow lawns for free every day while he collected the paycheck and gave me nothing but threats. I said I want to be paid, out came the tantrum and threats to leave. So I said sorry and kept on mowing. Whats my point? The tantrum has always worked in the past, so of course he is going to try it again.

But I'm different now and didn't respond to this one with much more than raised eyebrows and "uh-huh". He said he was leaving, I said "OK, you were meant to go ages ago so, when will you be going?"

This all traumatised him so much that he drank himself silly and didn't go to work and was fired, finally, once and for all. No more chances; apparently his employer stops after 30 or so final warnings and actually fires people for real.  The real estate agent turned up with an eviction notice the next day and this time he won't be fixing it at the last minute because he doesn't have a cent and no income on the way. These things have been "going to" happen for a long time but now they actually have and there's no fixing them so, I guess the universe got tired of making empty threats at last and here we are, total crisis.

Now, I knew that somehow this was going to be my fault; not only did I traumatise him by mentioning wanting to drive my car when I get my license BUT, apparently, he has asked me several times to manage his money for him and even though I could have CLEARLY SEEN how much he was struggling to manage his money when I am so good at managing mine I REFUSED to help him and let him go under and that's why he has been so depressed, drank so much, lost his job and done nothing but be an abusive bad word for years. And it's also why he has refused to do any of the 'guy jobs" like mow the lawn or move heavy things because I didn't do the job I am good at which is managing his money. (Can you imagine if I had tried? It would have lasted less than 24 hours!! I can't even stop him from taking my things much less taking back his own money!! Wait, I don't need to JADE that to you guys). 

So, daughter is away with her dad (it's a little mini-holiday here for the queens birthday or some such colonial nonsense) and i'm trying to get my head around all of this and figure out where, when, how and with what. Its good in the sense that- it's over and i'm looking forward to the end result- daughter and dog and bad kitty and I in a place just for us, no boys allowed...but at the same time HOW; I can't afford a place solo, where, how do I move, I was due to get back to study at the start of february and I still haven't, it's just constant drama and the year is half over...I keep making driving mistakes, so distracted and sad how will I pass the test?? On the bright side I will be moving away from cat-lady. That makes me smile. But seriously HOW DO I AFFORD THIS AND HOW DO I PHYSICALLY MOVE, REMOVE THE RUBBISH FROM THIS HOUSE, FIX THE DAMAGE, HOW? Steal a shopping cart from the supermarket and do it all on foot? He could NOT have made things harder for me or at a worse time. I had it all mapped out so well- get license, get work, then move. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY couldn't it have gone to plan

And he is just being the biggest drunken tool he has ever been, he's leaving me and wants to tell me all about it constantly to get a reaction, demanding I answer questions about where I will go how will I cope do I realise he is leaving oh wait no he loves me so much and doesn't want to go no wait he's going and I'll never see him again, I should have managed his money, it's all because I have been rejecting him, I don't love him, I never have, all I have ever done is reject him, he's only still here to 'help" me, and then kissy kissy i don't suppose there's any chance you want to have sex? of course not all you ever do is reject me I'll be gone in the morning and then in the morning i'll get woken up with some stupid request for cigarettes or money or sex followed by more ranting about how it is all my fault and i never loved him. So, he's really laying it on thick. It's awesome. No, it actually is because it's not hard to want to be away from this; the accusations are so irritating and stupid and make it easy to see him as a giant baby, this would be harder if he was sober but he's making it easy by being constantly drunk because I hate drunk him. Also the other night he got up after a long sleep, so he wasn't intoxicated but he kept collapsing and hitting his head, he even broke the toilet with his head; he's covered in cuts and bruises from falling down; he's really not well and I think in this state he'd best go to his mothers (his only option now) and she can look after him or not look after him or whatever. I can't handle it nor do I want to. Not saying it's his mothers job to deal with it, just that I know he will go to her and she can decide how to handle that. 

So whether I like it or not, it's all over and there's no more 'hanging in there"; at most I have a few weeks to find a way out of this mess. But it's OK because he's staying here to 'help me" by getting drunk, making a massive mess and constantly emotionally torturing me. So it's all good.