The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will be getting married. After such a rocky relationship history it is strange. I can easily see how you straight people have it so much harder in some ways because I totally would have married 2 of my past partners (one of them whom I designate as my ex-A), had I been legally able to do so at that time. Splitting up would have been SOOOO much harder, messier, more financially challenging. Throw kids into it...OMG. I can totally understand being crippled with fear and indecision about the split. It was horrid just splitting our stuff up and all the other break up stuff.
Do I think I'm going to break up with this partner? No. But I didn't envision myself breaking up with the other two either. So what's different? How do I trust that I don't have a busted picker after a 7 year relationship with another alcoholic that turned out so badly.
Well - I don't know for sure, but I have faith and I know both AA and Alanon have made me stronger so regardless of what happens in life, I'm far less likely to be reduced to a puddle of semi-functional, worried, sad, confused, no purpose, depressed, acting out mess as I used to be. I never took the time to heal myself before jumping into new relationships and I think that is why my "picker" was so busted. We are also 4 years into this, and I'd like to think I know what I'm getting. I'm 42 (almost) and he's 50 so it's not like we are foolish kids. I have a program now and he has a strong spiritual base as well. I know he's not an alcoholic. That is never going to happen again. I can't guarantee that I won't relapse but, that would be such a selfish and horrible thing to do to him and to me. I have more worries that after years together and being happy with each other, that if something happened to him, I'd be so sad I would drink but I know that's a fleeting thought and I would do like I have done the last 6 years when bad things happen. I would call my sponsor, go to lots of meetings, ride it out, pray, and move forward sober a day at a time.
I guess these are not unusual imminent pre-wedding thoughts. My whole family is going to be there. It is costing a fortune. It's going to be great and scary. I can also see how this is going to cement this relationship even more and I want that but it has a little scary side too knowing my history (even though last 4 years have been so different and 6 years in recovery is at the foundation of that). I can see how splitting with someone after a wedding where you pronounced your love for someone, made promises and vows in front of religious authorities and your whole family supporting and witnessing it....I can see how that would really change things. I have been kind of insensitive listening to some of you and thinking "WTF! I would leave if my significant other did that!" (no I don't always think that way and I did more so when I first started coming around here) But now - I guess I have 1 more layer of "it's complicated" understanding.
So, I just wanted to share that this is all giving me insight into what "traditional married" relationships are like. Also, trusting myself after having had a busted picker in the past has been a challenge to in some ways. I pray and choose to believe I am moving along a good path for myself and my future husband (eek! - husband...lol).
Whey, so exciting. If I could I would come, invited or not, to throw confetti over you. Thats a lovely post pinkchip, im so glad ive met you, well in this world. You have a lovely healthy attitude, an open mind, willingness to grow and learn and keep that mind open to let the old ideas out and new ones in. I think you have everything you need to have a lovely married life, I think you would make a brilliant husband and father, congratulations.x
Ps, thanks for sharing your journey, were the same age and maybe il be open for this one day too.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 7th of June 2014 08:04:22 AM
Hi Mark,
Thank you for your powerful insightful share. I too believe that with many years of AA and alanon your marriage stands a fantastic chance of success. The tools are invaluable and you have learned well.
Best Wishes for a lovely, long, supportive, married life .Please share the pictures of the event.
Sounds like you guys have a wonderful foundation to build upon. I wish I'd had a fraction of this kind of insight when I was married!!
Excited for you
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you for this marvellous message - and for the lovely reminder that you are getting married soon! It seems so healthy to be able to go into a new commitment with so much awareness about oneself and the journey you'll be sharing. Thank goodness for more equality in the world - IMHO marriages everywhere will benefit from some new insights. (((hugs)))
Doncha hate when you have your reply half written and your cursor jumps up and erases everything? how do you re-write it as perfectly as you'd already done? Oh well, small problems beset everyone.
Mark, be glad you don't have to get married because you are pregnant......
I don't think our pickers are broken. I think we just don't realize we should listen to it, pay attention to the red flags the little guy inside is waving madly - picture the guy on the aircraft carrier guiding the jets in, waving his flags to direct the plane - what happens to the plane if it doesn't pay attention to the flagger?
Chuckling at your "WTF! I would leave if my significant other did that!" because how many people in your life thought that about you during your 7 year stretch with the ex-A? (as Ive caught myself critiquing someone elses choices while ignoring my own).
Im thinking you have so much MORE pressure to make it work once you get married you not only have the pressure of family, friends and religious authorities (for me it would be God), as heteros do, youve got a faction of society just waiting for it to fail so that they can say well, you can imagine what they might say. (and what did we learn in al-anon today dear, what others think of me is none of my business) but talk about pressure!
Ive gained SO much from Al-Anon, such a cleaner, clearer view of life, whats important, how to focus on the important stuff and shrug my shoulders at the trivial; Im not sure I want a relationship with someone that doesnt also have experience with this way of thinking and living.
Normal, usual pre-wedding jitters; plus.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I read your post thinking "It must be nice to actually want to marry someone"! And to know that you know, that you are sure you want to marry that person. Yours here is not some silly Romeo and Juliet teenage infatuation story. I feel like I have made such a mess of all my past relationships that I will NEVER want to marry anybody else ever again, but your post gives me hope.
Also, I needed to hear things like "Life is short, pick healthy people to play with", and some of the other direct things I've read since being here. Sometimes a message, concept or thought needs to be direct.
It's so good to see that healthy relationships are possible!
Hi Mark, Thank you for your powerful insightful share. I too believe that with many years of AA and alanon your marriage stands a fantastic chance of success. The tools are invaluable and you have learned well.
Best Wishes for a lovely, long, supportive, married life .Please share the pictures of the event.
Dear Mark, I echo what Betty says....U have grown up as we say, alanon and AA years under your belt, I am willing to bet that this marriage will last till death do you part and even in the heavenly realm b/c it just seems the two of you are so close, so connected, and just such a fit...
I wish I could come, and WOW, only one month away, getting nervous, I bet, LOL......I think it is fantastic.....
you better share some pics all over this board or we will be sad.....we have become a family here and one person's joy is all of our joy......
sending HUGE hugs to both of you...I think the age spread is a good one....u r mature...sober now for years, he has strong spiritual faith......LOVE IT....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Marriage is a big step. Your scared, excited, happy and crying all at once. Emotions are high and worry that everything will be just right. But you know what? When the " I do" is said it all comes together, true peace and happiness starts.
I too wish you and you husband to be, a long and loving relationship and happiness ever after.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
People get married for all kinds of reasons, but I haven't heard the one about cement! Your family will be there (your awesome Mom). But u didn't mention his family will be there. I think a relationship/marriage needs support from both families. I think your picker is fixed for now, and hopefully you won't be needed it anytime soon. I sincerely believe that in years to come if you can still laugh at yourself, at each other and with each other in your relationship that is a sign of lightness, and freedom in the relationship. Its like a beautiful butterfly it flutters and flys in beauty, but if you hold it too hard in your hands you will break its wings and it will die. There is always a chance of growing apart, it happens, but you know that is ok, that is life, and you will go on and be a much better person from the experience. ...... og
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I think of us at MIP as apartments in a vast complex. Mostly we are alike. Some have blue doors, others shutters, etc. a few customized details so we can tell which one is ours.
Your thoughts about getting married are so like mine were. For me, it was getting married again. Rhe promise of AlAnon gave me the internal go-ahead. Another thing from AlAnon I'm grateful for. We had (have?) a lot of people thinking we wouldn't last. We are different races, political parties, nationalities, generations, religions. I think that about covers it. None of that was important.
When I am true to myself, I can see what is important to me. "How important is it?" isn't just a saying, it's profound to me. I'm slowly figuring that one out.
All the best to you and your husband. (Yes that word used to stick in my throat too.)
Ah, Mark, your whole thread makes me happy. Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy! You've worked hard for all of this. I'll be there in spirit with you together with the rest of your well wishers on this historical and beautiful time in your life. And it is fun to get swept up with you in this post. I agree that you can't guarantee yourself or your partner that you won't drink again in the future. But today, you can. And isn't that enough? Just for today? Love you, brother, and love the path you are traveling. Thank you for being there with us and for us. I don't see you being any different with your partner and soon to be husband now or in the future. Blessings, Mark. Thanks for the joy you're spreading here.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 02:39:53 PM
((((Pink))))...you're a big boy now and have grown tremendously from "back then". You know how to pick your successes I think and know that the lines that define those success must necessarily be wavy and blurred...not so fixed and ridged. Recovery taught me to give margin and mercy to my relationships; all of them whether I was married to one or managed one or worked with others or made customers of them. You cannot ever do your life alone again...impossible when you consider and live alongside your higher power. Good relationships for me take humility, patience, acceptance and all those other we connections. Good relationships for me also mean that while I am striving with others I will not demean and disrespect myself. Learning how to "not need" my spouse was a rocket science. She is not a higher power and isn't supposed to be. God first God first God first...practice, practice, practice and then my self and then others. Program lessons...life saving program lessons.
Thanks everyone so much! And Jerry - I like to think I broke the coda mold, but really all I did was loosen the grip it had on me. I guess the fear is that I will slip back. This pattern has gone on for generations and has been modeled by the men in my family. Grandpa couldn't even figure out how to make a sandwich after 60 years with my grandmother, and now, after 50 years together, I believe my parents have melded into 1 single entity that I sometimes refer to as the JeanBob (their names mushed into one). I do not want to become the Markchuck lol. That is what I did in the past. I always lost myself in relationships and that left me wide open to picking up bad habits too because in doing that, I lost the ability to make myself happy on my own.
Lol better the Markchuck than the Chuckmark!!! Eww my ex husband and I mashed our names together for joint email and other things, that's so eww to me now but back then it made me feel safe, like I needed to be virtually consumed by someone else in order to feel loved, yikes it's scary to even think about!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I hear ya, Pink, on the not wanting to lose yourself again. From where I'm sitting, it appears my brother might be picking on himself a bit? Yes, all that stuff could happen and that is a future focus. Today is all that you have and all that matters. Enjoy it all!!!!!!!!! You've worked hard to get here and you deserve unfettered joy if you want it for today? (((PC)))
