The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's amazing when you come out of depression to realize how depressed I have been. I had no idea. I'm making a conscious effort to make the most of every day, choosing to be happy and focusing on just the kids and myself. It's working, and then nighttime comes, kids are asleep, AH falls asleep in couch usually before the kids, and it's lonely. Can usually get to sleep easily but can't get back to sleep when I wake in the middle of the night. Thinking - AH hasn't drank (that I'm aware of) for almost 3 weeks, says we need to talk each night but then falls asleep, I know I should talk to him but he just denies everything I feel like I'm wasting my breath. On the times he doesn't drink he starts big projects around the house to keep busy, (ignores regular chores that need to be done) last weekend baby was sick and we ran out of Tylenol, he says he will run and get it (were out in country) but he wants to talk about the project he wants to start and is asking if he should get materials then just sits on couch for couple hours. Baby is miserable, needs constant holding only wants me, and he gets pissy because I say it's not my priority today.
Over the past few nights thinking I realized I'm angry that AH is controlling his drinking now, why didn't he make that effort before he did things that crushed me. Now that he is not drinking why isn't he making some effort at repairing the damage? I know the answer is because he's sick and not working on recovery but it hurts and I feel guilty that I'm not trying either and I think he should start first, I'm not the one who treated him like crap, I want to reach out and ask him to hold me, we have no physical contact and I miss that just being hugged, it's so lonely. I also hate waiting for the "control" to stop and wondering if he could take our son to Tball. I also remind myself I've chosen to stay and the stressors would still be there even with him living somewhere else and maybe more so with visitation and financially.
alot of rambling..... Ive tried reading the literature, journaling, getting Up and doing something around house, but still in my own stinking thinking. Any other ideas?
You have made progress kerry, you can see you are in the stinking thinking mode, thats progress, thats the beginning of coming out of denial. Denial is when we cant look at ourselves and only look at others as the reason for our unhappiness. I came to see that his bahviour, actions, love, feelings was all he had to give. My ex did not have it in him to meet any of my needs, ever, sober, drunk, he never had it to give. The waiting on him to realise or change is yours to deal with. Consider if everything you see right now in your life is the best he has to offer, ever. Nothing more. Is it enough for you? This life is yours, its not his responsibility to make you happy or not lonely. Thats your job, he cant and may never even try. I remember feeling like my ex has this treasure trove of goodies, love, intimacy, comfort, common sense, maturity and I thought he was delibrately not giving me these things that he could easily give. Today, I know he never ever had these things within him to ever give me. Kerry, what you see is what you get. The potential for all the good things is within you, thats where to look, thats where its hiding. Your doing well, honestly, dont give up, keep doing what your doing, its happening.x
Thank you elcee, I do realize I need to make myself happy it's just in the first 12 years together AH was able to give comfort, think of others not just himself, and we did have a solid relationship. Is that impossible to get back once the disease has come into play? Is that another thing take? Since we did have that and for quite a period of time I thought it could get back, if he recovered. Now that's thinking in what-ifs land isn't it? Ugh
I see what you mean. In the beginning, life with my ex, I thought he was everything I wanted and I felt that all my needs were met or most of them. My needs as a young person with love goggles on were very different from grown up, family unit kind of needs. These were the needs my ex could never cope with, the grown up responsibilities and as he progressed in his disease sober or drunk I think the fact he couldnt meet the needs of his family ate away at him and made the disease even more powerful. He never coped with family life, ever. Its passed by now, our kids are grown, my youngest turns 17 soon and he has never stepped up, he doesnt have it to give. Just a fact, before it made me nuts but it is what it is. The very nature of alcoholism, to me, means family life is unreachable for them and to us while we are sick. Like the readings say life is improved for everyone when one person is thinking sanely.x
Kerrymom-I have had many of your same thoughts and feelings. You are not alone.
el-cee-Thank you for a great post. Your points really make sense to me and are good food for thought. Thanks for keeping me on track!
I can relate to your feelings (AH also does the major VIP project thing and totally forgets about the two cent day to day jobs around the place). I have had very similar thoughts such as 'Is this it? Is this as good as it is going to get?' I call that my 'projecting thoughts'. I'm imagining the future (usually in a negative way - which is strange after so many years of imagining a beautiful reconciliation isn't it?!). When I allow myself to feel sorry for myself all hell breaks loose in my head. When I think about our recent past too much I hurt myself all over again. So for the moment, today is my safe place I try not to think too much! I've read that anger turned in on oneself becomes depression and I can vouch for that (even though I am an eternal optimist ordinarily). I think it is important to counteract that anger with positive strokes for yourself.
As Elcee says, the power to enjoy life, not be lonely and to do things that make you happy is within you. And boy, you deserve it so I hope you will be able to go ahead and explore!
As a couple the best thing that I could do in the early days was to enjoy my life and to do things that made me feel proud and good about myself. Apart from helping to keep my own resentments at bay this also took the pressure of AH and gave him space to do what he needed without my moods adding to the shame/guilt that he was already piling on himself.
I've also done the 3am wide awake thing (a lot). I found that taking up yoga and trying meditation helped to calm me down. When I can't sleep I think about something/someone super nice and lovely or imagine a conversation with someone I like or visualise a new painting I'm planning. I don't have to solve AH's problems, so I don't have to think about them. I don't even have to solve mine at 3am in the morning . I say hello to troubling thoughts and write them down if necessary. Usually the thoughts fade away when I actually give them some conscious focusing (only a maximum of a minute per thought though). Oh, and listening/feeling my breath helps as well - I can even feel how cool it is when the air flows in. Hope this helps a little. It does get better I think. ((((hugs)))))
I love that milkwood, at 3 am all us alanoners getting bendy doing yoga. Ive taken up yoga too, theres a great girl on you tube, her name is adrienne. Im sure she is alanon, she incorporates meditation into it. It is very therapeutic, worth a try.x
I try not to think too much! I've read that anger turned in on oneself becomes depression and I can vouch for that (even though I am an eternal optimist ordinarily). I think it is important to counteract that anger with positive strokes for yourself.