The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been a month since i moved out. I can feel myself recovering but I know there are still a lot of underlying "injuries" I substained through the years. They are just hidden away and I will need to deal with them to enjoy full recovery.
I used to wear my wedding ring on my necklace to remind myself of the marriage I am still in and to encourage him that he still has a wife. The joke however is he has been screaming at me that he wants a divorce. Our counsellor told me he doesn't mean it. Today I took the ring off because I feel a huge disgust wearing the ring of someone who abused me verbally every single chance he got. I understand he is sick and is not in control of himself. However I refuse to be the only one holding on the marriage. I will wear the ring when we get back and he is in recovery. Otherwise even such a small act of wearing the ring affects my own recovery and does not help him. I cannot hang on when the other person is living in his own la la land and waving me goodbye and to let go. It is better he falls alone then for us both to fall with no one above to throw the rope. For now, I can pray for our recovery. Let's live and let God.
-- Edited by sunshine23 on Saturday 7th of June 2014 01:15:34 AM
after only six months of marriage my husband sort comfort with another women, I took my wedding ring off there and then, and have never worn it since,and we are still together 30+ years later, I am as stubborn as a mule, yet lately I have started to feel like I could re- comitt, I would quite like to wear a wedding ring and feel proud that I am exlcusive to someone, I know it's only a ring, but it holds huge significant importance to me.
Sunshine, its sad that he cant see you and cant see what hes got. I suggest you turn your eyes and mind away from him for a good while and look within yourself, get to know you, not the married you or you the wife or mother, none of that is the real, whole, warts and all, you. I found myself, I know that sounds like im in a movie or something, but I did and I really like parts of me, and im trying to change the parts I dont like. Its a journey and I have loved it to be honest. I just turned a way from my ex, completely, no phone calls, meetings, enquiries about his life. He was deep in a pity party for a long time and I lost interest in listening to him, the sound he made when he spoke became tiring, like a high pitched whine sound and it didnt suit the direction I was going in, towards the light. Someone said its like crossing a bridge into really living and looking back and wishing and hoping for the dead, alive people to come over but they cant really hear you or understand yet, so you need to appreciate and live in the land of the living to show them how good life can be. My ex seems to have crossed the bridge now. He says hes happy, I cant believe I heard those words come out his mouth, honestly he was the king of negativity. Im happy for him, I really am. Im much more interested in me though, how I am, working towards my own serenity. Thanks for sharing.x
Hi Katy and El-fee,
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I am walking towards the light. I have to accept that I cannot pull anyone along unless he/she wants to walk towards the same light. We can walk together then.
I still get the occasional sadness. I have to allow myself time to grieve the lost of a marriage but it is ok. One step at a time.
I felt loss, I think when we love alcoholics loss is part of life. I grieved the sober person everytime he drank and by the time I was done I was well and truly done, I felt it inside and it was grief. It took me a while to realise I was done though, it took time to let him go. I needed some time in alanon, living in reality to live like I was done and from that point it was over and even then it was scary to fully let go. It was truly the right thing to do and for both of us. I always thought that he needed me and it was me that kept him together, even alive but it took the end of our relationship, us both really letting go for both our lives to improve. That is the proof that half the blame or damage belonged to me. I was not the saviour or the innocent, im glad I know though, the truth is easier to deal with than the denial.x
Sunshine it sounds like you are doing okay. I really don't like telling others "how" to grieve. I lost my dad when I was young and I watched my extended family tell my mom how she should grieve and how long she should grieve. Even as a child, I knew that it was not kind. It was like they were scared of emotions. She moved on in her own time.
Truth, why are you insinuating that elcee's share is "telling someone how to grieve" or that it's unkind? Sounded to me like she shared her painful history and you crapped on it then tried to justify it. Stop the games please. Mods can we do something about this? I will PM also.
Sunshine: I ditto what the posters have said here about your situation. I can remember taking off my wedding ring because I needed to sell it for food for my kids and all the ambivalent feelings I experienced then. But, I also knew the marriage was over although I always hoped he would get better and never married again. I can certainly understand why you'd want to take off that ring and I intuit that perhaps it was no easy thing for you to do? I echo all that el cee is saying to you here to help yourself work through some of what has happened and to create a new life for yourself. Lots of hugs, Sunshine.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 07:12:32 PM
I think truths esh came directly from sunshines post rather than from anything I said. Wouldnt it be good to talk face to face, we may not get so lost in translation.x
Better than to share what esh IS useful than what isn't because the natural inference would be you are criticizing others. Plus the request was made by this person that I "check this person's intentions" but I'm just assuming they are bad from this point. Shrug.
Good that you are recognizing the underlying injuries, and therefore extending comfort and patience to yourself, Sunshine. Good boundaries also on the ring issue.
El-Cee I found what you wrote here to be very helpful for me in my particular situation. Thanks.
Thanks everyone. Having the ability to just rant is so great. Unfortunately for A who is not in recovery, they do not have anywhere to go to. I used to think that it is so unfair that he hurt me so much and he apparently has no retribution. Now I am sooooo glad I am not the one with the disease. I can walk away and heal but he cannot. I am not the judge so who am I to talk about justice?
He threatened me again and all the more I am glad I did what I can, which is move and not replying to him. Something I feel like just giving it to him but I know it is only feeding his anger. I need to hold my tongue.
What good insight, Sunshine. Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate most especially the sentence: "I am not the judge so who am I to talk about justice?" Justice to me is making resources available to all and not about punishment or revenge. I can't truly decide who is guilty/who is innocent because I can't and won't ever be able to see into the hearts and minds of other people. In some ways, I am blind to parts of my self as well. What I can do is recognize that everything I want to see begins with me and the program helps me give what I want to receive and detach from that that isn't right for me anymore. So glad to see you here and healing, Sunshine.
