The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been "trying" to get sober..."trying" to make things better...but wait...I'll quit next weekend. Meanwhile, my life is ticking by. I love him, but I don't like him. When he drinks I dispise being around him, and find his behavior completely belligerent and I refuse be seen with him in public.
When his has only had a beer in the morning...he is not as bad. He likes to say he's doing "nothing bad". Well screw him. "nothing bad" is just way the hell not good enough.
We had "his" friends over for the weekend. The wife is a recovering alcoholic, the Husband is I believe a recovering alcoholic as well. he drinks odouls and has not drank for 2 months. (used to keep vodka in the car if you catch my drift) Wife is in line for a liver transplant. SO... He has a case of beer in the fridge, openly drinks it in front of them, and regulary goes over to the neighbors house to drink liquor. It is now 10:15, he ditched his friends an hour ago and is with the neighbor in another city.
I had no idea he was going (duh, as if he was going to tell me). So when I texted him. "are you for real" and I fussed at him for a while... he says "i love you" its Nothing bad.
Really? Really? I don't trust you, I resent the hell out of you, you are a liar. every week I get promises and I hope that things will improve. Perhaps they do, but it is not a LONG TERM improvement. I NEED LONG TERM RESULTS. I NEED TO SEE SOME effort that will pay off months from now. Not lets try to be in a good mood for half a day.
We have talked for 10 years about moving overseas. and have plans to sell our house. I have finally given in and feel comfortable selling the house. I would really really love to move overseas. But the reality is. I am glad we are selling the house so that we can pay off all of our other bills. It will make divorce much easier.
We have talked for 10 years about moving overseas. and have plans to sell our house. I have finally given in and feel comfortable selling the house. I would really really love to move overseas. But the reality is. I am glad we are selling the house so that we can pay off all of our other bills. It will make divorce much easier.
hey Susie, maybe i am reading into this wrong, but i tried moving to get away from crap and it followed me until i got into recovery, worked the meets every day,,,I remember my 1st 4 months or so, my sponsor made me go to 1-3 meets a DAY....then the 12 steps, slogans, i finally found me and the stuff quit following me b/c i turned around and faced it and worked it out....now if u r moving to job or another commitment or sell off house to pay off debts as you say, i would think long and hard....do u really want to go over seas w/a drinker NOT in AA????? do you have folks over seas that u can turn to for help???? i don't know what country u r talking about, but do you have rresources there if you need to walk away from him????? just some stuff to think about.....moving, u just drag your troubles w/you until you deal with those troubles and work the solution and solution starts w/facing and owning them and working what options you have for solution.....
and i agree "i love you is not enough" when their actions show the opposite.........please keep working on you....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I don't think I am moving away from my crap as much as following a "pipe dream". Selling our house would free up funds to pay off bills and make a huge investment. Besides we pay for our own health insurance $1300/month. So just that is a huge savings, and we have debt. We've been wanting to move since we got married. I really enjoy his family, and we would have maids and drivers (lol!) so its pretty tempting. Alcohol is also much less commonplace than here.
Otherwise you were spot on. It is much much easier to walk away here. At least here I will have a car. We have businesses so we would be moving back to be with AH's family. Dad is sick, He is only son. He'd handle the estate etc. BUT BUT BUT. This scenario (not necessarily the sick dad part) has been part of this "pipe dream" of mine. at least here I already have my umpteen meetings available to me plus my church family. There I would have to start over. That obviously concerns me. I do not want to backslide.
NO, you are right. I do NOT want to move with someone who is not in recovery. Frankly he is pissing away the days, like he always does. I hate it, but I can't rush the process. But at the same time. I still feel like I should be able to lay out the consequences. if you are drinking I will not go. If you are not in a recovery program -I will not got. But you know as well as I do that just cause someone quits or is in a recovery program that they are actually recovering.
Yes, I need to keep working on me. I need to keep working on me.
NO, you are right. I do NOT want to move with someone who is not in recovery. Frankly he is pissing away the days, like he always does. I hate it, but I can't rush the process. But at the same time. I still feel like I should be able to lay out the consequences. if you are drinking I will not go. If you are not in a recovery program -I will not got. But you know as well as I do that just cause someone quits or is in a recovery program that they are actually recovering.
Yes, I need to keep working on me. I need to keep working on me.
Thanks (((neshema))
((((S))))) I don't set boundaries unless I am very very sure I am and can stand to them, otherwise they "got me" my word is nothing......and yes, i am glad u want to work on you b/c when its all said and done....all we got is our own self and our maker..........Hugs
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((Ss))) my AH also thinks saying "I love you" is enough. We also moved and it is one of my biggest regrets but you have more awareness of the disease than I did at the time. Have a good day!
Susie, Im sorry this merrygoround just keeps turning, its only you that can decide to jump off, he is telling you loud and clear that he has no intention to jump off, he wants to believe he can and will at any moment and he wants you to believe it to, do you?
This could be his life forever, the way I see it, there are choices for you, you can either live your own life seperately but with him or you can leave him, or you can keep hoping and listening to the promises, to me thats the torturous part. What are your own motives in your relationship, what are you gaining by being with him, it may be worthwhile rooting out the answers.
Moving abroad with an active alcoholic sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I wouldnt go to the next city with my ex while he was active, no way. He will find his own kind wherever you go, there are alcoholics for him to befriend in ever corner of the globe.
Just a thought on the maids and drivers bit, for me that would mean more time to obsess about him, less independance and if its with his family then I would loose even more of who I am. The good things in life dont cost money. Remember how you felt in your apartment, thats freedom.x
I was thinking of posting all the same things elcee just said.
Aside from that....Sorry you are having to go through all this Susie. No easy answers. Sitting on the fence is hard but understandably necessary to avoid making rash decisions. With my ex-A, I had "dreams" and ways I wanted things to work out. I loved his family too and they all lived in the country in an area that was more peaceful. BUT, what I wanted to believe was possible was not our actual day to day life which consisted of arguing, fighting, drunken sloppiness, financial problems, accusations, daily drunkeness...(you know the drill). I got stuck on the idea of "giving up my dreams" which where things that he said he would do (get rich from one of his many many failed business ideas then go travel and own multiple houses blah blah). My current partner and I sometimes talk about those types of ideas too but in reality, it doesn't matter if we are rich or poor because I love every day we are together.
As someone who moved overseas with an active alcoholic I would almost certainly not do it again It has worked for us financially; it has been exciting and challenging; it has also been lonely; it has been hard to learn new systems and cultures without the support of my partner; it has been difficult building up a new personal support structure.
Elcee's second reply really resonated with me - having time on my hands has been really unhelpful as far as obsessive thinking is concerned.
If, on balance, I decided to do it again, I would try to imagine that I was doing it on my own and I would make my decisions based on that.
Susie: I only have one thought to add to the mix of responses and good e/s/h. It has to do with your experience that there is not as much alcohol overseas as here. If he is chemically dependent on it, would that really make a difference to him or to you? I knew a man who sprayed Aqua Net hairspray into his mouth for the alcohol in the can. He ended up with terrible burns and ulcers but went right back to the river where he lived to drink anything he could find that had alcohol in it. I'm sure he didn't start out that way, but he did get to that point. He couldn't buy it. He couldn't order it in a bar. So, he dug through garbage cans looking for things people threw out that contained alcohol. There are so many over the counter purchases one can steal, buy or find to obtain alcohol. And even if one stops the drinking, the disease keeps progressing without treatment.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 03:10:29 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 03:11:05 PM
I hear each of you loud and clear and am in agreement with many things.
Being in a foreign country would make it much more challenging to me if I did decide to separate from him. right now, I just make a call or send an email and have my choice of places to lease. I already have a vehicle. I already have friends and multiple support groups. If I move I have to start from scratch. There is a lot to be said about having a friend who has seen you at your rock bottom and for that friend to have loved on you up to this point.
He (as an apology, I think) referenced going to rehab in Morocco. As far as I am concerned that is just another I'll do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. No matter what his intentions are. I am not sure that I am willing to walk into that trap. I say Im not sure, because I am being honest. I need to move these rational thoughts from my head to my heart.
I told him he needed to go to rehab Before we move, and he said "hell no". and I was thinking exactly the same thing.
I think this is where I am going to have to draw the line in the sand. The sad thing is...to what end. He does go to rehab but does not participate. He does go to rehab but he relapses.....its the same song and dance over and over again.
I am not sure If I see a solution to this dilemma. I guess I am going to start touring apartments.
It has worked for us financially; it has been exciting and challenging; it has also been lonely; it has been hard to learn new systems and cultures without the support of my partner; it has been difficult building up a new personal support structure.