Manipulation - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Manipulation

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You know.... yesterday I had to go and talk to my neighbors about the well and give them all a copy of the bill. At one of the houses when talking I got so frustrated about her complaining about everything I had to just leave. As I was walking home I was thinking I'm glad I'm not her husband because I would be in prison for life ..... sorry but it's the truth. I then thought Cathy it's just not worth it. I won't be around her, I won't be able to convince her she needs to clean the faucet screens in her home.....I won't be able to do anything for her that will make her happy so I am going to let it go and be grateful I have water tonight.

I feel some vibes here and I am one of them but in turn I have to let go also but it's like anything else........This too shall pass

(((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 6th of June 2014 02:43:00 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:

I feel some vibes here and I am one of them but in turn I have to let go also but it's like anything else........This too shall pass

(((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 6th of June 2014 02:43:00 PM

I think this vibe or "funny feeling" on the board is just a test, a temporary speed bump, and to me??? I think we all handled it GREAT....we disagreed w/each other but did it with alanon class......i am very grateful the whole thing happened....I can manage my triggers, i can believe in me and my choices to "love" someone or not to "love" someone....I can believe in my boundaries, my limitations...what is acceptable to me what is not and i am not afraid to stand to it..........naaaaw i see this as a HUGE positive.....we got a bunch of alanons on a discussion and it was all done in respect for each other.....we have a trusting fellowship here and it stood up to the test......we need these kinds of tests to see how we are doing in program........i am good with me....

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings El-cee,

It sounds like you are doing a good job of spotting manipulation now

I completely relate to your comment that it can be infuriating! I know that I feel a good feeling when I manage to rise above it.

Ninight and ((((hugs)))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, el cee. I can relate so much to what you are saying most especially in your last sentence. My experience is that people are not constant but fluid. I generally enjoy myself and others as mysteries to behold. I don't like people trying to put me in a box and I don't want to put others there either. I do have boundaries and I do have limits though. And I know others do, too.

Like you, I don't like being manipulated either, but that usually has more to do with my pride - I admit it - than anything else. I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that for all the years I've lived and all the experiences I've had, I can still be tricked, or manipulated or fooled once in awhile. I still don't like it much, but its true. The only thing I really have control over is whether or not I try to trick or manipulate or fool. I don't. I guess that's got to be enough for me because try as I might, I cannot guarantee myself that I won't meet somebody incredibly clever and shrewd who is interested in complete selfish gain and I won't recognize it until after the fact. And if I forget that truth about me, there's always somebody I'll run into who will remind me.

I've also experienced times when I've hit my limit of patience with something or somebody. I give it a day or two and I've completely changed my mind. I don't know why that's true for me either, but I do.

Once again, you've given me food for thought with your candid share and helped me reflect on my own experiences and changes made. Thank you for that.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi LC thanks so much for you honest and insightful post. I do understand and know that when I feel that way I choose to respond to posting that enriched my program and feed my positive energy.

I find that manipulation is all around in the world and that acceptance of this fact has allowed me to know that it is a very human trait that I can recognize, as you have done, and use my alanon tools to navigate.

Placing principles above personalities, examining my motives, and keeping the focus on myself usually enables me to stay the coarse and when necessary detach or say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean.
Please keep coming back and sharing

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

gee i hope i am not in some sort of denial...i mean, i said how i felt.....felt like i was being manipulated, reading the essay posts, but when i spoke up and out, i felt rather good b/c usually i would sit and trigger and figure "oh its something wrong w/me" and i would not say anything, but this time i did...

i really did't see any of us manipulating, just sharing our open, sincere feelings......

i still want to look at it as a positive....i didn't get all messed up over my trigger...i faced it and spoke up about it....i didn't hide it, i accepted it and spoke up for me and how i felt....

really i dind' see any of us doing that, but oh well, i guess everyone has their take and i respect any sincere esh and i do learn...at least i hope so ...checking my motives is one thiing i have been practicing of late......

i think i came out of this all a bit wiser....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the J froggie person was not appropriate. I don't like reading you must do this you must do that and you will do this etc.

Sounded controlling and giving ones own agenda like it is the only one.

People are unique individuals. They may find handling living with an A different than how another would. nothing wrong with that.

We do our best to keep our home here as mellow as we can as most of us go thru enough pain and strife at home.

This is a MIP message board, not a place to put parts of books or papers one has written.

It goes smoothly until someone uses mip in a way it is not meant to be used.

I hope you feel better, I am so glad for your honesty! sincerely

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It is because people are using the forum for agendas other than self discovery and identifying with and helping others...For example, to pride themselves on disagreeing with people while simultaneously not being open to feedback from others, to discuss parenting and relationships seemingly not related to the disease of alcoholism at all and to promote non-Alanon sanctioned ideas and writings and justify it all with double talk and claiming to be victimized when this is pointed out. This has gone on here mildly for years and it's understandable to an extent as we do not come into 12 step groups as perfect people. It's just rampant right now.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
I think the J froggie person was not appropriate. I don't like reading you must do this you must do that and you will do this etc.Sounded controlling and giving ones own agenda like it is the only one.People are unique individuals. They may find handling living with an A different than how another would. nothing wrong with that.We do our best to keep our home here as mellow as we can as most of us go thru enough pain and strife at home.
This is a MIP message board, not a place to put parts of books or papers one has written.It goes smoothly until someone uses mip in a way it is not meant to be used.I hope you feel better, I am so glad for your honesty! sincerely

thanks Deb...that article about the "childs duty" to love parents...obey parents....all that really hammered me, but ya know?? I didn't just sit and suffer, i spoke out and LOUDLY and very strong, I think......so i learned that "NO..there is nothing wrong with ME....just what happened to me" and I am taking care of that by A--not recycling the evil.......B--taking care of me re: boundaries and saying "NO" to what is wrong for me.......and i agree...i felt like it was controlling and manipulative.... there is no "one size fits all" in recovery, like we each have our own ways of approach, but alanon and its suggestions are there for a very good reason.......yea, some stuff may apply or work for one, but not another but SOME stuff, i would think should come under common sense and common courtesy........Just sayin...........Thanks Deb for your service...I was delighted when I saw your name again on the moderator section.......Hugs........

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots...many...often times it is easier to apply "take what you like and leave the rest Jerry" and that works for me. It is also a form of respect cause I allow and am allowed to be in the same world with people who are somewhat different than me at different times. I can put any color or spin or impression on anything I like for whatever reason and what works best for me though is "what do I want to get out of this" and then hold on to a solution without expectation. I don't like manipulating myself into craziness worse than I allow others to. I always have the first and last choice including how I handle it. I learned from my AA counselor about the character assets of giving grace and margin even with others different than I. That helps save my mind and spirit a lot.

Manipulation isn't all that bad. It is a negotiation tool in getting my needs met at times. (((((hugs))))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
It is because people are using the forum for agendas other than self discovery and identifying with and helping others...For example, to pride themselves on disagreeing with people while simultaneously not being open to feedback from others, to discuss parenting and relationships seemingly not related to the disease of alcoholism at all and to promote non-Alanon sanctioned ideas and writings and justify it all with double talk and claiming to be victimized when this is pointed out. This has gone on here mildly for years and it's understandable to an extent as we do not come into 12 step groups as perfect people. It's just rampant right now.

hey pink, i expressed pride in me for not going off on a trigger, but managing it and overcoming it......was that "prideful"??? didn't mean it to be...i was looking at the positive i got out of this "jerry" thing......hope noone else misunderstood me....used to be i sat and suffered adn binged on junk food and was real antzy...now i saw me speak up, set the boundary, express my feelings and i did feel better............thats all i meant

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You are fine neshema you did good :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
You are fine neshema you did good :)

oh thank you, Betty, I want so bad to grow and feel and do better.....and i also want to know when I need a "tune up" on something....this board is so honest about feedback and to me its like a "family" step 4 in a way....seeing others what they think, how they did or acted upon something, I learn...I want to learn....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone, I had a bad day yesterday. I let others determine my mood and I was angry at myself for that. First, my gorgeous son who I was bragging about 10 mins prior turned into the monster from hell on the phone and I wanted to choke him to death. Then my friend from work has picked up on my feelings, even though ive been trying to detach really hard, so she keeps asking me questions and probing me when actually I just wanted a bit of space from her. I have a tight deadline for work this month so my own time is gone, my other friend phoned in tears about her work, my eldest son came for dinner and the isms in him are as plain to see as the nose on his face. So, by the time I was on my own I wasnt happy and I read here from others who arent happy and I thought this world is actually nuts, all of it, im nuts! Feel a bit better this morning, slept for 12 hours solid and have woken up with a bit of a sore throat so maybe im in for something.

Im sorry if anyone took my post personally, It was the whole day and everyone in it. I still got some great feedback. I had not thought of pride, that is a defect I have not thought about to be honest. Yes, it could be that, like I fear she will get one over on me, I need to work on my own self trust. Manipulation is an ism in some people and I cant change that so all I can do is set my own boundaries for me and behave the way I am comfortable with. Thanks again, im going to re read this esh.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((el cee))) I'm glad you got the rest you needed. I didn't take anything you said personally, so no worries there.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks grateful, I am a bit annoyed with myself. When I lived in denial, I would justify my bad behaviour with other people so when it dawned on me that I had given away my serenity without even realising it, i got peed off. However, that was yesterday, today is all I have so I will make this a good one.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

See how it works? Fluid not constant - like the ebb and flow of the sea to me - are we humans. Mysteries to behold. Love you, el cee.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Love you too, ya wee doll.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.