New user name - Al-Anon Family Group

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

New user name

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess the "good" thing is that they're so bad at covering their tracks, that we can tell the real state of things. It's painful to know but I'd rather know than not know.

I hear a lot of strength in your post. It sounds like you're really living the awareness and realistic expectations that we're all aiming for.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Morning my friend

I was thinking about you the other day so I'm happy your here. I miss when someone is gone for a while. A week might not be that long but its a eternity when your missing someone.

When you lie it's hard to stay with the facts and they change from minute to minute. When the truth is told you don't have a problem. I used to tell my son this but it didn't do any good. I just have to except it for what it is and let go. Anything else would make me crazy.

Big changes are hard but when the time comes it will happen on our own time table.

Take care and stay close sister

((( hugs )))

Kerrymom · Senior Member

((Hugs)) I understand when my AH lies when it's to try cover up drinking but he lies about everything, simple silly things so yes I don't believe anything he says anymore either. Hope you can do something for yourself today

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

After everything that I have been through with the STBAX .. how do I know he's lying? His lips are moving.

Pink responded to a post of mine talking about how busy they are trying to get that next fix they are covering themselves with the current "emergency" I realized then that he has no idea the tidal wave that is coming behind him that is going to wipe him out. I call that the collateral damage tidal wave and it's sad to watch .. I can see the wave .. everyone else can see the wave .. however his focus is so on the current issue .. nope .. he doesn't have a clue.

Rarely do I even address the lying as there is no point .. even now .. all he does is deflect and makes it my fault that he didn't follow through on what he was suppose to do.

Side note he had court yesterday (non payment of bill) .. he didn't show .. happened to be with the judge he hates that wouldn't look at him with the DUI charges .. he doesn't understand that this judge doesn't look at anyone .. so it wasn't personal it's this judge and his style he only wants to listen to the facts not look at the people.

Other than that .. I mean all you can do is what you know to be the best for everyone concerned .. maybe you leaving or making changes is what your AH needs and even part of God's plan for both of you.

Hugs, S :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the update Goodbye ILD and welcome Andromeda I will get use to this new name:)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, sister. I can relate to your experience of yourself when you are being lied to and lied to and lied to. For me, that is one of the most painful experiences in relationship to a person with this disease. I can't even abide it with children. I understand the reasons why folks lie and yet, it is still painful because I want to make a human connection - heart to heart - and I can't do it with somebody who is lying. It is a deal breaker for me and although I won't take any immediate action, there does come a time when I will say goodbye to somebody who consistently lies and shows absolutely no effort to recognize their fear and to start acting in faith on their own humanity. That's me. That's not everybody. And oftentimes, it hurts me to walk away from that person, but it is my experience and my responsibility that I must remain true to myself as I am a person who relates from the heart. (((A formerly known as ILD)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 6th of June 2014 08:29:39 AM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

That is what always drove me crazy with my AW. For many years of our marriage, she was the one that NEVER lied about anything. Once she became A, all sorts of crazy stuff started happening. it took me a while to figure out it was just confabulation. It broke my heart, and that's how I finally knew that something wasn't right, and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

She is now back to never lying, it's wonderful. If it would have kept up, I couldn't have lived with it much longer. I can certainly understand how you can't live with it.

Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I found out that the lying is about fear mostly...fear of the truth and fear of not clearly knowing the truth and fear of judgment ...just fear. My alcoholic addict wife use to come up with some really good stuff yet it was not the truth and therefore not believable. Even inviting her not to tell a lie didn't work and I thought she needed to believe the lie more than she needed me to believe it. They do come to not liking how they live and this then becomes part of their bottom. However this is about us and not them cause the lying also brings us to our bottoms where we seek change. Andromeda...got it! In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful I can so relate. I have to stay true to myself as well and lying is a deal breaker for me as well. I understand it is fear that makes people lie but I just prefer to be around people that can acknowledge fears and work to a solution. Just a personal preference.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Andromeda, good to see you again ((((hugs)))))
Those lies make me feel so sad.
Jerry, I liked reading your description of the lying process - I've often thought that AH was lying to himself more than anyone else.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

A big lesson I got on lying was when with my sponsor I was trying to figure out why my alcoholic/addict wife lied t me, my sponsor asked "why do you lie"? After I got past the tongue tied reaction I had to inventory it. After I inventoried it I then pretty much understood why anyone lied about stuff. Not much difference twix us humans drunk or not. Progress not perfection. (((((hugs))))) smile

Beatrice · Senior Member

I agree Jerry, good analogy.

We all lie...sometimes I don't want to know the reality of things.

Remember that song from Fleetwood Mac, "Tell me lies, Tell me sweet little lies."

Hugs,

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I know people who don't lie because they are completely themselves. Some of my friends are honest about themselves - even the ugly parts. There are people in my groups who always tell the truth, too. They're not always liked because others don't want to hear what they say and yet they continue on being themselves. I know they are aware that some folks don't like them but they continue on being true to themselves. I admire that in people. There is a difference to me between people who are purposely distorting the truth for some kind of personal gain or to get out of trouble and people who are healing and learning more about who they truly are.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I forgot to come back on here and thank you for thinking of me!! It's nice to know I was missed.

As for me today: I am doing better. I find it's easier these days to calm down after AH does something stupid, ahem, I mean something not so smart. Apparently, this last incident has been enough for him to admit he's alcoholic and that he has a real problem. He wants to check out more AA meetings and try to commit to it. Of course, he had every intention to get to a meeting yesterday, but he didn't go. I'm in the mindset that says: Whatever. Do what you're going to do, I have my own life to live. I keep thinking it's time to move out but then he announces he wants to try recovery and then I get roped back in. I'm praying that HP gives me strength to make the right decision for me and our son. I have to remember that AH can always find recovery, whether I live here or not!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I always have to keep in mind I can't have ANY expectations towards my son and you too with your spouse. If we do, it always comes crashing down on our heads. I have asked my son not to tell me anything he's not going to do with all his heart and that way there is no hurt for either of us. He's good with that. I also told him to not try and please me because I'm already proud he's still trying.

He tells me he will never give up so I'm good with that and that's what I have told him. I understand his disease and I live with it and pray to him.

Take care and come back often because we miss you.

((( hugs )))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ok will do my best with your new nic. I am not good at names, if someone changes their nic....throw me a rope! lol

you said he could go into recovery whether you are there or not. So correct. I have seen you living in limbo for so so long.

Your wanting to leave has been there in the open for a very long time too.If he does get into recovery we know it is at least a year, at least before he will have steady legs. if he ever does.

Meanwhile your child does not get to experience the life of not living with an A. And we know how fast our kids move out! they are young for such a short time!

I honestly sorta long to hear from you how amazed you are how different it is with no A in your home. The serenity is so precious. Having your own little piece of home, making it however you want it, no one bugging you, is pretty darn nice.

Does not mean you and AH will be apart forever either. ONE day at a time.

hugs!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, so sorry that I changed it on you!!! Thank you for the encouragement. He is at a meeting right now and I sit here feeling guilty for wanting to leave. I've been on these boards for 2.5 years now, waiting and hoping that he'd go to AA, but never really understanding just how much Al Anon would change ME and that just because someone becomes sober, doesn't mean that the relationship will work out. Thanks everyone!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.