Not so happy today - Al-Anon Family Group

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Not so happy today

tortuga · Senior Member

(((milkwood))) Big cyber hug to you, I don't know to say much other than I understand how you feel. You will know what to do, trust your gutyou deserve not to be hurt, like everybody. I waited for long for my partner to change until I had to give up that focusand started the change on myself. that meant practicing self-love.
big big hug, hope you feel better soon. in support.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Big Hug)))) to you as well. I know I felt extremely hurt by the affair as well. I was pregnant. It was the abuse for me that drove me over the edge because I felt helpless to protect my child. In loving support. Your feelings are important to me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ah, Milkwood, I'm sorry that today your are feeling sad.

I saw the same in relationship to my "x," as you are seeing with yours. We were hurting each other. We weren't thriving together. We were just existing together in a relationship that simply couldn't stay together for all our mortal time on earth. And for what this is worth: There might be an explanation for affairs and I won't judge it. I do think that for some of us it is a deal breaker. Whatever you decide to do, sister, I'm here with you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
Ah, Milkwood, I'm sorry that today your are feeling sad.

I saw the same in relationship to my "x," as you are seeing with yours. We were hurting each other. We weren't thriving together. We were just existing together in a relationship that simply couldn't stay together for all our mortal time on earth. And for what this is worth: There might be an explanation for affairs and I won't judge it. I do think that for some of us it is a deal breaker. Whatever you decide to do, sister, I'm here with you.

yea, affairs to me would be the deal breaker....affairs and abuse...the 2 "non negotiable" "A's".......but its your life, your choice to stay/go.......as grateful said, i was in a toxic relationship , too....actually 2 but the 2nd AH was good to me, first abused me mentally and emotionally, it was a "dead" marriage from the git go....I left b/c i knew i would keep spiralling down that coda rabbit hole if i stayed......with program, i have upped my self esteem and therefore i don't settle for the crappy relationships that are going nowhere...i demand better for me by working the steps, slogans, meetings, often wiht recovery partners.....its a day to day basis...i am emotionally sober one day at a time by working my program.....all you can do is take care of you...detach from him., let go and take care of you............so sorry you are in this, but you can change you and change your life through this program......a nicer life awaits you....go grab it...you deserve it

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you are hurting today...you were hit hard in the gut with BS posing as stuff "hurting" little boys do.

-- Edited by PP on Friday 6th of June 2014 08:16:34 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi milkwood, sorry your having a difficult time at the moment, I can relate to those moments in life that are never forgotten and just when you need him his disease cranks up a gear. Your mum dying, I love that you got the chance to help her die, that must be a comfort to you, is a memorable and powewrrul event In your life and him having an affair during that time is difficult to forgive but again you show that gorgeous soul by saying he loved both you and your mum. So your compassion and forgiveness and awareness are so clear to see, you can admit your own part, you are clearly living in the reality if the situation. Its sadnthat he wont seek recovery because I imagine your recovery could help you work through anything, and if he was willing to recover im sure you would both have a great chance. Its back to step one really, being powerless. I have a friend in my meetings, a beautiful friend, very inspiring woman and she stayed in her marriage and eventually her and her husband had very seperate lives. He would participate in family life for short bursts and would retreat again into his own room and he stayed in his disease until he died quite young. She appreciated the times when he joined in and when he retreated really. Its sad. Your ah might never get recovery and dry drunk behaviour is difficult to live with, in some ways worse than during the drinking, well in my own experience. I suggest working on forgiving him, not for him but for you, so that you can let go and let god. His behaviour is just typical, irrational alcoholic behaviour and always will be realky unless he chooses to work on the isms within him.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Good night family - I'm so blooming grateful for you all! (((hugs))))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Same here, sleep tight, ninight as we say in scotland.x

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

milkwood wrote:
Good night family - I'm so blooming grateful for you all! (((hugs))))

hope tomorrow is a better day for you.....glad u shared...that was really open and honest and a good start to recovery......love what el-cee says "ninight" that is neat :)

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Milkwood,

I hope you are feeling better tomorrow.

Something I wanted to share in my experience with my STBAX is that his moral code was changed to disease code and that is where he lives now. I have a very vivid memory of him standing in the bathroom door he was out of the shower and him going on about his DUI and what was happening with it .. this is what he said to me .. well .. you know you never admit to someone you have done the crime. For example if I killed you it becomes the burden of proof for the States Atty to prove I did anything .. I would never just say I was guilty. My mouth hung open and right about there I knew it was over. Now I wasn't ready to really let go (I should have been running screaming from the house in that moment) .. I knew his thinking was so twisted up in the disease that he couldn't tell right from wrong it was all motivated by how much trouble he perceived himself to be in. I did tell him .. you realize that you sound like a sociopath right? He didn't get that he had no consciousness between right and wrong in that moment.

This is a man who will tell you today that he's a practicing Christian and recovering with Celebrate Recovery. He still lies and deflects the moment he believes he's been put in a position he's going to have to admit to anyone the truth of what is going on.

It wasn't a way I could live and that one incident was one of many including the affair/s as I knew in that moment he was going to continue to do what he had been doing because he was seeking and still seeking his feel goods. Until he faces reality there is no hope for a future and his reality is looking not so good at the moment.

Hugs S :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have experienced when my own heart has made a decision before I voiced it. It was done, nothing I could do would change the fact.

A time comes when I am done, period. Been pushed too much. The feelings are gone.

I need the intimacy with my mate to be with us only forever.If it is broken, I am done. What else do we share just between us?

There are other views, other places we can make into our home. Appreciate what we had, now move on. To live without someone not validating our feelings is a freeing. That was super rude to say blank happens. How hurtful. A person has no respect for another when they say that!

I felt sorry you were hurt, and he is suppose to be your mate!

We are here for you to help you do whatever you choose. hugs!

tiredtonite · Member

My heart really goes out to you. These defining moments are so hard when we've already done so much letting go. I hear you acknowledging your worth. "I came, I came to, I came to believe." The Serenity Prayer has helped me during these times. Also, the Alanon book Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses has been a big help with grieving my own Mom and other losses. (((hugs))) TT

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

How's it going today for you, Milkwood? Did you sleep well?

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

milkwood wrote:
This afternoon AH said that our relationship counsellor had told him that affairs often happen when the spouse is pregnant or has recently lost a loved one. His started while I was helping my mum to die. I asked him if he thought it was wrong that he had carried on seeing his girlfriend after the affair became public. He said 'well' and then 'I suppose'. I said 'don't you know?' I feel physically sick that he could have done that to me and my mum. I know he loved us both very much indeed.

I hate it when counselors say things like that. It just gives people excuses, because counselor may even have said afterward "but that is just statistics, not an excuse" or some equivalent, the idea is already in their head - it's OK, because this "happens" to other people too. I say "happens" because things don't just "happen" to us, we choose them, even if we just choose to go with the flow and it "happens" and we don't stop it.

Don't ever worry about being a downer, we are here to share ESH, and that includes the crappy times.

Kenny

Beatrice · Senior Member

My X cheated on me and even had twins with the other women. I came to the conclusion that it went beyond the boundaries of what I would to accept and we parted.

The thing is if we have no power over their drinking, we have no power over their deeds and what they say that hurts us.

I truly believe that Alanon is for us not the addict,. It is here for us to build a strong self identity and to grow so strong, we get to decide what hurts
us and what doesn't. You could sit around with an A all day and he is going to say hurtful things because his brain is altered.

Who decides the boundaries of a marriage. I say the people involved. Society has no right to dictate what goes on in a marriage and how we should
be treated. That comes under all the psycho babble of Oprah and all those talk shoes that try to dictate what we should be feeling and if we don't have
the criteria of what they believe is acceptable, then our marriage is doomed.

The point is we cannot control others, even our spouses. We can only adjust ourselves and our responses to what is said.

That's why Alanon keeps saying , its about you!! Its not about the Alcoholic. Its about growing and making choices for ourselves along with solutions.

Keep working it.

Hugs, Bettina

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Right on Beatrice...

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I can really relate to your post. My first husband started cheating on me when I was pregnant. This was almost 20 years ago. It went on for many years. I was in denial about red flags, until he finally admitted the truth 6 years later. People who are having affairs will lie constantly. This has been my experience. They don't understand the hurt it causes. Affairs and alcoholic drinking are very selfish acts. In my opinion...once the trust is gone in a marriage, it's hard to stay together. Lying and loss of trust has ruined two marriages for me. Only time has healed my wounds. I need to remind myself that it's about THEM, not me!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Exactly Beatrice!!

Beatrice · Senior Member

Im not trying to make excuses for the alcoholic, as they are responsible for all their actions.

But as long as they are not in recovery and are not sober, they are in an altered state. Not all, but most alcoholics wouldn't make the same choices
if they were sober. We must realize if we are in a relationship with an alcoholic and they are drinking, they are on the path of destruction and will
destroy people in their path, no matter who, as long as the drinking continues.

Remember the will to drink is stronger then anything, their only lover is booze. They only love alcohol. Nothing means more to them.

Being married or involved with an alcoholic does not make for a normal relationship. You are not in love with a normal man, you are involved and love an Alcoholic.
It changes the game plan. You should know your options and what you are dealing with. That's where Alanon comes in to play.

All you need to know, live and educate yourself is all there in this self growth philosophy. All the things you thought you knew up till now will change and your
life will change. All we need is courage.

Newlife, You need to remind yourself that its about YOU, not them. Keep working it for yourself.

Hugs, Bettina

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Beatrice for your wise words.
I still have a lot to learn about boundaries and acceptance and change.
I have my own fears of abandonment I think. I didn't know that six months ago. And I've let my self esteem slide.
This is an awesome programme.
I feel a bit like the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz, off to find my heart

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Milkwood, in my experience, you show your heart in your posts. That's one of the reasons I've been drawn to you. Lots of hugs.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful ((((hugs))))

Likewise - I remember one time when I was feeling bleak and I posted here. Up you popped suggesting that I go take a photograph of the view. 'What a practical, jolly good sense suggestion' thought I. I felt so much better for the doing of it and enjoyed scouring around for Liam as well! We've all had some fun with your ideas my big hearted friend

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, Milkwood. We have had fun together with others here, haven't we? What pops into my mind are those pictures you took and the photo of the ostrich in the pink bikini. I don't know why and yet I certainly find mirth bubbling up inside of me again.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to your share and definitely felt my marriage towards the end was a string of miserable days to be merely survived and somehow I knew there could be much more for me out there. Sending you love and support on your journey!

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you and feel you. I know it hurts. I have been down that road. A broken heart is the most devastating pain one can experience. But with our Higher Power and this program we can get to the other side of it.

(((((BigHugs2You))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.