How do I handle nervousness? - Al-Anon Family Group

HisMrsWright · Member

How do I handle nervousness?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, HMW: I can only share what works for me is working Step 3 and/or Step 11. I also choose to talk things over when I'm uncertain about things with my sponsor or another membership person who is making progress in the Al-Anon program. Oftentimes, I've learned that the suggestion: "When in doubt, don't" is a big help to me, too. Choosing to look at the topics, steps or slogans in one or two of my readers is another good option that helps me or journaling. I don't have a one way fits all method to various issues that arise in my life and all of the above practices generally result in my being able to make a very good decision for me. Glad to see you here.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

As Grateful said, when in doubt; don't! I had an issue with my AH last night who happens to be on a binge right now while on a work trip. Couldn't get a hold of him all night long and my fears and anxieties crept up and were hard to keep at bay. I kept repeating to myself, "God, he belongs to you. I trust you to take care of him. To answer your questions; what do I do if something happens? Nothing. Alcoholics do what they're going to do. That's when I start saying the serenity prayer and I find something to do for myself and I focus on how I am going to take care of myself in the future and even today. FYI: I still don't know where my AH is right now, if he's alive or dead, if he's sleeping around, etc. I can't control that. I can only take care of me and our child. Self care is so important at times like these.

Sending you lots of support and hugs today! You are not alone in this journey.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

When I experience what you are experiencing, I look at this as my addictions wanting to be fed. If I were an abuser of substances, I would see this as a seduction to pick up. You are being seduced by your addictions to pick up. When I am being seduced to pick up, I pick up my al anon tools. White knuckling doesn't work for me. My pride used to call the shots, too, when I needed my qualifiers to know they did not pull anything over on this gal. They knew they didn't and I didn't need to tell them, that would have been more shaming for them and a waste of my energies. Keep coming back! smile

karma13 · Senior Member

I love what Paula said above. I'll add I would talk to my sponsor or other trusted program friend and pray on clarity for my decision, then meditate, quiet my mind and wait for the answer. With no clarity, no action. I would follow the three As awareness, acceptance, and then action, instead of reacting. I usually wait to talk about it unless it requires my immediate attention. I don't have to respond to everything put in front of me anymore. If I have to talk to someone about undesirable behavior, I use I statements. I'm feeling..I'm perceiving this situation this way...when you I feel...I then get ready for a possible defense and I listen....I say no more if I can help it. I'll never be perfect though...always recovering. I still make bad choices sometimes. I have choices though and my serenity is my most valuable possession and I try to make the decision that will cause the least amount of harm for everyone involved. For my worry and nervousness, I pray. I try not to what if or project, I try to stay present in today, grateful for today. It's hard at times, old habits and conditioning die hard, but I love the serenity and peace I can have if I make the right choices and trust my intuition. If I'm worried about someone getting something over on me, that's my ego talking, God is not with me and I need to reconnect with God. My sponsor always asks me where is god in all this? when my ego has taken over. I need always remember the second I accuse or confront even if he is guilty,He can then blame me for that undesirable behavior. If she wasn't always watching me, or accusing me or....then I wouldn't do these behaviors..Most of the time it's in my best interest to detach with love, their behavior is about them, not me.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
Hi, HMW: I can only share what works for me is working Step 3 and/or Step 11. I also choose to talk things over when I'm uncertain about things with my sponsor or another membership person who is making progress in the Al-Anon program. Oftentimes, I've learned that the suggestion: "When in doubt, don't" is a big help to me, too. Choosing to look at the topics, steps or slogans in one or two of my readers is another good option that helps me or journaling. I don't have a one way fits all method to various issues that arise in my life and all of the above practices generally result in my being able to make a very good decision for me. Glad to see you here.

i do the same thing as grateful.....if i find one particular thing makes me anxious, its time to drag out the step 4 and find out what old trama am i reacting to....its kinda like what grateful says "i don't have a one way fits all method" either.....i just do what happens to appear to work the best at the time for the particular thing that is making me uncomfortable....but the good thing is that i am aware....feeling my feelings....sometimes a fear is out of old stuff, or something new and as an aca/coda, i do fear changes and stuff that is not expected.....the old needing to be in control curse.....

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

These are all such thoughtful replies!!!! Just a big ((((hug)))) to you.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I find my "nervousness" is actually my anxiety .. anxiety for me equals fear of the future/unknown .. I have to get back into steps 1,2 and 3 .. I feel infinitely better about what is going on especially when I can pray and talk to my sponsor, go to a meeting and so on. When I am in a place of calm I know when I need to speak and when it's just something I need to let go of .. the truth ALWAYS comes out and really if he's using at this point .. what does that really mean unless there is a boundary attached for you to him using.

I have learned that when I need to say something I will know what I need to say when I need to say it .. I actually use the bible, Luke 12:12 and apply that to the situation that I'm in .. I ask God for the words that I need as well as is this something I do need to address.

For me I sooo have to get out of trying to control the actions of the other person, again if my STBAX is drinking it will come out soon enough. It really doesn't matter unless it's hurting the kids or me .. he's already hurting himself and in that regard it's his journey to get through.

Hugs S :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The thing is they are Addicts. They do drink they do get sober, some go on a recovery program, most drink or use other drugs again. it is all part of being A.

What makes you think about them using again? Just does not matter. When we love a person we love them as they are. WE cannot change them. they do not use or drink to get something over on us, they do it becuz they are sick.

Its not a game, it is a disease.

The A is going to do or live how they are, just like we do.

He craves his drug of choice all the time. Its up to him to decided if he wants or can not use that day. I learned not to have any response at all. Afterall it is very sad that they are A, they did not choose it. What right do I have to say anything about it? I just love him no matter what.

It he relapses he does. Slips are bolony to me, they relapse.

When we stop trying to control them, watching what they might do next, basing our lives on what they do, of course we will be nervous. Freedom comes when we let go of this notion of our lives depend on them using or not.

hope this helps some. hugs!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

AlohaMrsWright good post. The feedback like this is what taught me how to have a much more balanced life even coming from alcoholism in my family. Anxiety I learned was one level of fear and for me that came just after suspicion...head working something I really didn't know anything about other than some past experiences I thought might be returning. Anxiety and worry if I didn't stop it here with some of the suggestions you have got here..literature on the subject, meeting, sponsor, journal and such would then progress to dread and maybe even panic...I would feel this in my chest with tightness and shortness of breath and maybe headache and depression (as if my worry was actually happening or had happen. When it reached my gut, my stomach where my emotions were running me and I was out of control then I could feel an outright panic. Nervousness use to raise the level of my fear quickly even when I didn't actually know if anything was real. The working definition of fear for me is False Evidence Appearing Real. My head is dreaming it all up and feeding it back to me as if it were real. I like reading the literature when nervousness starts to arrive and I will read those pages that pertain to the subject I am going thru...anxiety for example and fear and the others. Listening to a sponsor share their experiences on the subject or even other trusted Al-Anon members will quiet me down and I have journaled on it also. Prayer? always...quiet prayer with lots of listening. It was by listening to my HP response to me about the opposite of fear being Love that I found the best way to handle it today. The attitude of Love...unconditional acceptance of every thing in my life being exactly the way HP would have it be for me will take fear down faster than anything else I've tried. Keep coming back In support (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.