The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where there is addiction within a family there is also strife between the other members not addicted. Basically there are two situations to talk about. The first concerns parents who have an addictive child. That child may or may not be an adult. The second is a scene that involves a parent and a child with the other parent addicted.
Parents with an addicted child: Your job as a parent is: To love them To teach them right from wrong To instill values To teach them respect To teach discipline To encourage them to be confident
Your job as a marriage partner: When partners in a marriage value equality, they see each other as equals, treat each other with respect, consider each others needs, and support one another. Equal partners agree on goals together and work as a team to achieve these goals. They show equal commitment to the relationship and provide mutual support and nurturing. Each values the other?s work life as highly as his or her own, even if that work life doesn't include employment outside the home.
Your children have duties too: Children need to obey their parents. Children need to respect their parents Children have the responsibility to love their parents Children should be considerate of their parents
These jobs and duties describe an ideal functional family. It is unrealistic to expect a family unit to meet all these criteria. When an addicted person is involved the family unit struggles to maintain a cohesive unit.
The case of the addicted child: When a child is the addicted one the marriage suffers from differences on how to handle the addict and more importantly how to keep the marriage sound. The partners must not let another person destroy their marriage even if the other person is their child.
There will be differences of opinion on how to handle the addict. It would be helpful to find a support group that has experience in these situations and use their expertise to find a path that both partners can agree upon. If the partners argue and fight over the plan a wedge will be driven between them. The addict will use that wedge to his advantage. How can anyone respect a marriage that is based on forcing the other to bend to their will? Your effectiveness depends on working together as a unit.
Letting your emotions drive your actions will result in failed efforts. Remember this sickness did not happen in just one day, it will not go away in one day either.
You must establish boundaries of what is acceptable behavior for you and your spouse must do the same. These boundaries apply to you, not the other person. You decide what action you will take if that boundary is crossed. This is not free rein to punish or humiliate others, only to protect yourself. Boundaries also must be set for the addict as well with a clear understanding of the consequences of violating that boundary.
The case of the addicted parent: When one of the parents of a child is addicted the normal roles of the parents and child rearing suffer a dramatic change. This change upsets the roles the parents play in bringing up the child as well as upsetting the marriage relationship between the parents. the roles of parent to child, addicted and not, and parent to parent roles will be discussed.
Parent to child relationship:
When children grow up in a home with addiction, and the usual denial that surrounds it, they may develop serious trust issues as adults. The lies, the keeping secrets, and the broken promises all add up to send a message to the children that trusting can backfire on them. Many grow into adulthood not being able to truly trust anyone, which affects their romantic, professional and spiritual relationships with others. They have been disappointed too often by the alcoholic parent to really let themselves fully trust. That trust must never be broken.
Parents have legal and physical responsibilities and duties to their children, so that the children will grow up to be productive, healthy adults who contribute to society.
In order to provide children with their basic needs, the parent?s relationship with each other must be one of unity and true loving and nurturing of each member. Disagreements must be handled in such a way that the child learns how to solve problems without arguments and violence. Hiding problems within the family teach the child to lie and avoid facing situations.
The child should be told that the addict is a sick person and their actions are the result of their illness. They need to understand that it is possible for the addict to get better. They need to be reassured that they are not the cause of the addict?s sickness.
Stability in the home is the most important thing in a child's life. A loving environment gives the child a sense of security essential for their emotional growth.
The question is how do we provide the essential needs of the child in an addictive environment? The answer lands squarely on the non-addict. His/her relationship with the spouse and the child must remain free from undue stress on the child as well as the addict.
The first thing the non-addict must realize is that anything the addict is not capable of giving to the family must be supplied by him without feelings of anger or resentment.
The next thing that needs to be done is to make the child feel he is important. If the non-addict focuses all his time on the addict, the child feels left out. The child must feel he is an important part of the family. Listen to him, consider his feeling, and validate him. Let him know that both parents are equal partners in providing him a loving environment.
Encourage the child to develop a healthy respect for those who are sick including the addict.
By following these guides you will establish a realistic, healthy base for the child.
Well, actually, I feel preached at. I also see that some of what you've written here puts undue stress on the non-addicted adult in these situations. I'm glad what you've learned works for you. I'm going to be honest in saying that it doesn't work for me. The reason it doesn't work for me is that although I agree with much of what you say, without a relationship being established first, I think this share is premature.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 09:05:17 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 09:06:07 PM
Jerry, Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I agree with all that you presented,and think that It is very important to present the entire picture. I find that in a family affected by the disease of alcoholism presenting these requirements and ideas without offering a solid program of recovery for the non addicted partner in the relationship is counter productive.
Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless--- Living with the disease all members of the family become affected and require a program of recovery. Alanon and alateen are just such a program .
In alanon I learned to let go of negative, destructive tools that I developed coping with the disease and I developed new constructive tools to rebuild my self esteem and life.
Hope you keep coming back
Wow Jerry I think you just summed up all my thoughts in that share. I really do encourage my son to respect his dad however I cannot allow violence in or near his safe space.
I also know it is my job to find him a positive male role model (either through a big brother program or somehow) so he learns values that men are suppose to learn. I cannot sign him up until he is six though.
-- Edited by Truth on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 09:09:08 PM
When children grow up in a home with addiction, and the usual denial that surrounds it, they may develop serious trust issues as adults. The lies, the keeping secrets, and the broken promises all add up to send a message to the children that trusting can backfire on them. Many grow into adulthood not being able to truly trust anyone, which affects their romantic, professional and spiritual relationships with others. They have been disappointed too often by the alcoholic parent to really let themselves fully trust. That trust must never be broken.
****************** this happened to me...to this day i struggle w/trusting....actions mean more...words very little until they show sustained honesty and it takes a LONG time for me to trust......and its very easy to lose my trust
RE: the non addict spouse.....seems to me that the non addict spouse has all the burden.......I don't see any program suggestions.......i relate to the kids not being able to trust in an addicted home, my mother was an alcoholic and yea, the secrets, the lies, broken promises by BOTH parents really messed me up
however i have to go w/the other posters who mention that w/out a solid program foundation for the non addicted spouse, kinda puts the onus on the poor non addict who really , without a strong alanon program would be overwhelmed, unable to take on this burden of raising kids w/an addict......i was a non addict spouse who left b/c it was too much for me.....now with 12 years of alanon, aca, coda with me, I still would not entertain being w/an addict.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Right now I try to encourage him to play down the street with a family that has really good family values. I have also asked them that if he says something off if they would encourage him to see what a healthy relationship looks like.
I take a positive parenting course at a local place and the kids get to play in the other room supervised. It is extremely overwhelming with the violence escalating. If that was not in my life honestly I think I would not be overwhelmed at all. The more people I tell though it seems to be getting better.
I know for myself I am very aware of what living with and in the decease of addiction feels like, what I don't know and what is more helpful to me is other peoples experience of how to do this in a way that does not destroy me personally, it is never through the lack of love for our families that we arrive here, so I need to know how does one stay strong and give all that is needed to give, how do we set healthy boundaries, and what consequences do we enforce when boundaries are crossed, what consequences are reasonable, isn't this really more about people being made accountable for their own behavours?
in re-reading this, my take is that the non addicts here or on any other board or other fellowship , struggling to work their program diligently and sincere , are NOT the ones "annointed" by anyone or any entity, legal, spiritual or otherwise to carry another's burden..............JUST sayin......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I do agree with Nemesha and Grateful. I think that would be in a perfect world. I actually think addiction/violence is a community problem and a global problem. Humans have been trying to solve these problems for years.
I discovered this forum today and have read other threads and this one here, all I can say is how unfair is the situation I am in.
For the whole of my 7 year old child's life I am the one who is doing all the thinking, organising and most of the parenting.
My husband is a good father in comparison to some other fathers out there (specially my own one), however he has an addictive personality that contradicts all of his qualities.
I have finally understood the role I am playing in the relationship and I am now determined to not let his choices affect my life and my daughter's life so much, and I realise what a bumpy road I may have ahead, but right now the feeling of unfairness is very strong.
More fool me for believing in him, years ago before making a family, that he would stop, control himself and blahblahblah
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi, Luiza: Al-Anon meetings, literature, step work with a sponsor helped me work through so much of what you are experiencing here. If you don't attend Al-Anon meetings, you can find them in your area or at the World Service Office of Al-Anon's website. We also have on-line meetings twice a day here. Please come back to our message board, too. Glad to see you found us.
As I realised that I have to change my behaviour and my mindset instead of concentrating in controlling him just this week, I have already missed the Al-Anon meetings for this week in my area, which are held on Mondays and Tuesdays.
I will go on my first meeting next Tuesday the 10th as it is the most convenient for me at the moment.
I still didn't have time to read the whole website, I am glad to see there is online meetings, how interesting! How ever I am in the UK...but hope I can work out the times.
I was lurking here this morning, planning to register once after my first Al-Anon meeting but decided to register today just by reading this thread...
I am sick and fed up of feeling guilty and that I am failing my child because of her father actions. It is not ME.
I am sick of feeling sorry for her and myself and for the child I once was.
Looking forward for the next chapter in my life.
Thanks
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I know that feeling of waking up and realizing you are a victim, then being sick of being that victim. Once you have been to an Al Anon meeting you will be able to identify with other people that have likely had that experience. One of the objectives of Al Anon is to take away that victimization feeling and replace it with empowerment. The depression of living with an active A made me think I didn't have choices, when I actually did, they were just choices I didn't want to face.
In UK, I believe you are 5 hours ahead of US Eastern time right now. That means that meetings should be 2 PM and 2 AM for you on weekdays. I hope you can go to one, and I like hanging in the chat room afterwards even more than the meetings.
Just for the sake of awareness, alcoholism and violence need not be linked. Saying things like "alcoholism/violence" is a problem that (insert whatever) makes it sound like these things are one in the same. That is offensive to double winners here who were never violent and probably to other members who know their qualifiers don't have that propensity and whom they love dearly despite their alcoholism.
And ironically, it's shaming to people (and their families) that already are struggling with accepting the label of addict/alcoholic and will then be faced with misconceptions about being a violent person when they are probably not.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 5th of June 2014 06:36:41 PM
I love my son, too, and I loved his Dad. I just couldn't live with him because he got increasingly ill. Both my son and his father were educated, taught right from wrong, and all the other things listed. Their brains went haywire for some reason - and sadly - I had to distance myself first from my husband and later from my son at different times. No wife or mother wants to do any of what some of us have had to do or endure. Lectures and instructions on how I should behave or what my duties are is insulting and pompous.
Yes, i agree Grateful..I wasn't sure what was causing me discomfort, it is arrogance. Jerry we welcome your humanity; your humility.
yea, i agree with pinkchip, grateful, paula, cathy I have TWO alcoholic brothers...both are addicts/alcoholics and NEITHER would harm a fly.......I think to link addiction w/violence gives the impression that ALL addicts/alkies are going to be violent and dangerous.....they CAN be, but they also are NOT that way....it depends on the personality, the core part of them......my two A brothers and my 2nd A husband would not harm me if their lives depended on it.....I find it offensive to globally "assume" that if he/she is an addict/alcoholic they for sure are gonna be or are violent.....it just is not so....they CAN or they can NOT be....it is a case to case situation as far as what I experienced....my AH #1 was...my AH #2 was my sweetheart who just was drinking himself into the ground....i didn't want to see him die...so i left...he refused AA, I wanted recovery....we split.....sad but it was the best thing i could do for me, otherwise i would have watched him die a slow and horrible death........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Wow. Maybe our new member Jerry is actually God himself?? That's the impression I get from you Jerry that you have the one and only answers on how to live with an addict??!! So...these "rules"'would only apply to people IF they CHOOSE to stay with an addict. There's a part in the opening to my meetings that says " those of us living with alcoholism usually find it to be too much without spiritual help" something like that....I find these posts to be preachy and high and mighty. Not personal at all. People in al anon can choose to live with an alcoholic or not.
Encourage a child to develop a healthy relationship with an addict? My experience is it is almost impossible to have a healthy relationship with an addict. Most young children cannot even understand what is wrong with an addict. What about Alateen? That would be a good suggestion. You came here with a first impression of being a know it all. All experiences in al anon are different. Children are innocent when dealing with an addict. Your post sounds like a guide on how to cater to an addict.
Take what you like and leave the rest
I read a lot of "musts" in that thesis. There are no "musts" in AlAnon. (From the welcome to AlAnon). Sound like someone who is hiding behind the phrase "family values".
The alcoholic walks away from the family a long time earlier than the non-alcoholic with hope in his/her heart realizes. And then they lie about it. They often talk about family values while they lie expecting the non-alcoholic to have the family values while they do whatever they want. Family values do not work when you are dealing with an addicted person. Family values works when everyone in the family is on the same page. Not when one or more persons are living outside of family values.
I own my side of the street. In alanon, we learn to focus on us, not other's intentions. Plus an apology coupled with blaming someone else for not doing what you want is both controlling and not a genuine apology. Do you believe you should check in with you ex's intentions before doing anything? If someone really did what you are asking, they would be obsessing and wasting time with qualifiers trying to understand them rather than ourselves. Perhaps you only prefer this procedure when it comes to you so you don't need to just apologize and admit wrongdoing.
Also saying "and or or" instead of the slash is still just as offensive as when you lump things together in the same sentence, you infer they go together. So you description of you "intention" was (to me at least) to still say something offensive and then make an excuse that it was a semantic misunderstanding when it wasn't. Hence, checking 8 for what? To hear an irrelevant excuse. No.
I would like to talk about what is on your mind, however I cannot when you are behaving accusatory. If you keep treating me with disrespect, I will not respond to any posts of your posts whether positive or not.
I'm not seeing disrespect. Especially when it was related to an offensive comment you made and then gave an insincere apology with demands that people check your intentions when you make such hurtful comments. I would be pleased if you didn't respond to my posts. I only respond to yours when you make harmful and ill conceived statements. You also make posts that you "love that you can disagree" and an entire thread about disagreeing with other's ESH, but it's suddenly "disrespectful" when people disagree with you. Seems pretty hypocritical.
