Things I have learned in Alanon.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Things I have learned in Alanon....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Truth

I see in this post its all about the need to control...a common character defect in us codependent alanons.....

I have to work on my need to be in control b/c to me not being in control meant i was helpless/victim now i realize that I cannot control another person , place or thing, I can only control me and what I do , think, say, etc....

I have to work on this all the time, using my program and show myself that it is not my right or power to change anything outside of my own skin

the need for me to be in control was b/c my life as a child was so OUT of control....my need for being always in control was fear based

most of my negative issues are out of fear....so i work on my fears.....work on the root and the rest of the tree will become more healthy....

nice share.....

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes there was a need to control. Now I understand that "healthy" anger is designed to protect you. It means I have to take action.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey kiddo I remember when you first came here! You are progressing soooo much. I am very proud of you!!

hugs,debilyn

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn

Thank you!!!! I actually learned the "other" a long time ago. The next step in my journey was to not feel ashamed about being abused. Share my story and get it over with.

It was the shame from the abuse that was keeping me stuck. I am even detaching emotionally now from my own story. LOL

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I like this post, this is truly sharing your progress. I think this is the first time you have shared yourself like this. I learn from posts that talk about the journey, how someone got from there to there is helpful and to me is what alanon is all about. Sharing the growth. We are all learning, old timers have told me that the learning never ends. The loving interchange between members, I love that part of the preamble, I strive to give my love and show my kindness, I try to show my good will and offer my experience strength and hope. I try to share with others in mind so its not all taking but giving something to someone. Glad you trusted enough to share your shortcomings, thats how we get freedom from them.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Well in the words of Doctor Phil.....How is that working for you? That guy makes me laugh.

mercedes1959 · Senior Member

Great Post

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Works great with most thanks

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your share, Truth.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

El-cee that was not directed at you. That is just what he says.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry it just popped into my head at the time and gave me a chuckle.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Great share. Glad I learned those things too! And also other things like how to take suggestions and feedback and to own my part in things as well. I am glad I learned humility and to not be defensive and contrary and blaming and obsessed with others, and/or passive aggressive. I'm glad I don't feel discouraged when people don't agree with me but also happy I can detach empathically when I realize some folks are simply not well or aren't ready to change. I thank Alanon for those things too.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree alanon is a great program. It gives me the courage, to look at myself honestly, and the wisdom to keep an open mind in order to hear, process and act on what others share from their personal ESH.

Alanon also gave me the ability to have empathy, compassion, understanding and acceptance of fellow members as we walk this difficult road together. I am truly grateful for this program of recovery.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I agree alanon is a great program. It gives me the courage, to look at myself honestly, and the wisdom to keep an open mind in order to hear, process and act on what others share from their personal ESH.

Alanon also gave me the ability to have empathy, compassion, understanding and acceptance of fellow members as we walk this difficult road together. I am truly grateful for this program of recovery.

i am with Pinkchip and Betty on this one.....I am soo eternally grateful for this program, its community, never have i ever seen so much love, empathy, encouragement for me to heal and keep at it...yea, i had some old timers kick my butt in my early days but ya know, I knew they cared..I knew they had my best interest at heart...I learned how to take ESH and take what works and leave the rest and still care about and respect the one who had to give me that "shove" to work my program.....i can feel honest compassion for others AND for myself, that is a new thing, lol....I can't even list the good alanon/12 steps programs has given me....what i know of any God, i see it in this program...i was a hard core agnostic, almost a god hating atheist....I have softened....yea, i have doubts about Creator's involvement in our lives, etc., but i am at least open , willing, and willing to be honest about me and to me...and i am open to the universal power and its love within me to heal my broken heart... ...hope this made sense....time for bed

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Thank you, Trust, for your share. I was nodding all the way through as I read it!

Thank you for sharing your progress.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Truth for sharing.
Your comment about 'even learning to detach from my own story' caught my attention - that never occurred to me before, and it sounds like a good lesson which I will try out. Thank you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I forgot to say that having a sponsor, working the steps, and being part of has been a great blessing too. Before that, I had no system for living well. I needed a sponsor, the steps, and the fellowship to help me change my thinking and behavior. Prior to that, I was convinced my experiences were so different than others when they were not. I also was prone to sharing my own distorted take on my life and what I thought which had nothing to do with the steps or recovery and was the ongoing product of me trying to fix my busted thinking with a busted thinker rather than listening to others.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I know now those behaviors came from my low self-esteem and need to control everyone. Shaming is a powerful tool to keep someone inferior to you. Who would love me if I wasn't fixing? The answer she taught me was me. I would love me. I told my story because I needed to and now I will release it. I did not cause the abuse, I did not create the abuse and I cannot cure the abuse. My sponsor was the most beautiful writer and she taught me a lot about written communication. She taught me lots about Brene Brown, Louise Hay etc. She is just a beautiful soul. Sadly, she is sick and does not answer her phone much anymore. I actually think she started to drink again. She also taught me assertiveness, and if someone is not delivering the message with kindness then let them go. God Bless everyone today !!!!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh and she also taught me it was not my job. My job was to listen and observe. God I loved when she said that because it felt like a full time job. I just remembered that....geez I miss her today.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Truth,
I am sorry your sponsor may have started drinking once again and is not available to you. I appreciate reading all that you have learned from the alanon program and salute your dedication. Before program I could talk a great game, thought that I was perfect and knew exactly how everyone should act and behave.

In reflecting on this thread, I realized that the hardest lesson that I needed to learn and slowly practice was how to"Walk the walk" and not just Talk the talk.

Placing "Principles above personalities",one day at a time, using the slogans helped me do just that.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Hotrod. It is hard to let someone go that taught you so much. I wish she could see her value.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand Prayers that she can finally "see".

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.