The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
excerpt from reading one of my books written by Melodie Beattie........
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting us to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
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As a codependent, I did this...to the expense/loss of myself....i put others needs/wants b4 my own which many times did not exist....
as a result of this i was resentful, feeling used, exhausted, overwhelmed, trying to "live" another's life, thinking i can "fix" or "cure" them and when i failed each time, the resentment and feeling like a failure continued....
i got free when i let go...leave them to their own devices....let them walk their own path w/out my interferring when it is something THEY are capable of taking care of......
if my neighbor, say, doesnt' water his lawn and i take up that responsibility, his grass will be green and he will think he does not have to water his lawn....if i stop watering his lawn for him, his grass will grown brown or die and then and only then will he realize that HE must water his lawn or it will dry up and die.....
yea i can be loving and caring and even nurturing but that is when the other is overwhelmed and trying to help themselves and just need a little boost or encouragement or a lift
I will not tote their "life knap sack" anymore b/c to do so robs them of their journey, their lessons and it prevents them from learning the consequences of their wrongs and they stay stuck ...stay thinking they don't have a problem....how can they realize that they have a problem if i keep absorbing their problems???? they cannot
letting them reap what they sow is the most humane thing i can do...It may be their only hope of getting into recovery b/c they are now facing their consequences
Just saying.......please take what you can use and dumpster the rest....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Very well written Neshema, I too used to be such an enabling care taker, with boundaries in place to protect and keep the focus on me, I am healthier and happier than ever. Thanks for this post. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Being a witness to another and the way they live their life is so much easier than trying to do their life for them. As Louise Hay suggests: There are 1,000 different ways to do the same thing. So much more fun to watch the different ways people try to do the same thing than to try to convince them of the way that is mine. Thanks, Rose.
