The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My AH keeps asking me to go out with him. I have gone out a few times with him and our daughter. He usually expects more to come out of it later...but I keep saying no. Right now he isn't drinking. I don't think he is really truly sober yet, as he does not go to AA meetings and keeps NyQuil around. My sponsor says even though he is cleaning up a lot of his junk, he is still the same person. This is hard to wrap my head around. He is showing effort by doing the things I requested, but he is doing them after I left! It bothers me. he is also watching our daughter while I work sometimes, which helps. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not trustworthy in the long run. He tells me not to look at the past. But I have to remind myself why I left in the first place. Since he lost his job he is spending his retirement money...I know he has spent thousands on toys he doesn't need. My sponsor says look for action, and don't rely on his words. Makes sense. He still doesn't have a job. He still spends money that he doesn't have. I am working on trying not to get sucked in when he tells me he misses me, he is done drinking and he realizes what he has done. Those are words. I need to see him change long term. Cleaning up junk should have happened long ago, so it doesn't mean he is a changed man.
I don't think he is really truly sober yet, as he does not go to AA meetings and keeps NyQuil around. he is still the same person. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not trustworthy in the long run. He tells me not to look at the past. Since he lost his job he is spending his retirement money...I know he has spent thousands on toys he doesn't need. My sponsor says look for action, and don't rely on his words. . He still doesn't have a job. He still spends money that he doesn't have.
I highlighted the things that should stand out to you......not in AA.....NyQuil gets you high...my brother does it when too poor to get high otherwise .....not trustworthy......actions not matching his words......spending money irresponsibly........just look at your post in full and you know why you left......do you really think it could work the 2nd time with nothing changed????? still no job.....he is trying "good behaviour" the best HE can do to suck you back in......an alcoholic NOT in AA, working an intense program, sober for a few years , has NO chance of staying sober and being someone that you would want to be with........BEWARE.......i see red flags all through your post.........I think you do too...............
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I understand what you are saying and maybe your A is trying to get you back, the important thing is that recovery should be for the A, not dependent on
anyone else. If he is getting sober for you, its the wrong reason. Not till he is in a recovery program should you consider going back. We do not decide when
its time for an A to clean up, that's totally his decision, but that doesn't prevent you from making boundaries of your own.
Your right when you say, you have to see him long term. Tell him you are not going anywhere and see how he does, you can see him occasionally, but you need
a plan for yourself and that is working a program for yourself, going to Alanon meetings and really trying to understand the philosophy. It will help you to find solutions for yourself.
He keeps NyQuil around, which means, if he's like my A, that he's getting his alcohol from NyQuil, whiile he's fooling himself that he's dry.
He has no job.
He's spending his retirement money.
He's buying expensive "toys" that he doesn't need.
He's trying to get you to go out with him and be intimate with him.
He's behaving extra-nice as they do when they see they need to reel someone back in.
Not sure what's attractive about this scenario. I know we all have longings that they should be responsible, caring people, and when they move one step toward that, our hopes start to blossom. But I'm guessing that what you really want is someone who either is not an addict (which this person can never be), or working a solid program of recovery, has no addictive substances in the house, holds down a job, spends money responsibly, and understands what you've suffered with addiction and disappointed hopes. All this guy has done is clean up some junk and go semi-dry for a period of time. And lay on the sweet talk very thick, it sounds like.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I just remember when my A went through the same motions. No job, spending money like water. But was going to AA every now and again ("even though I don't really need to"), had sworn off the alcohol, and was being extra-nice. I remember one nice date in which I was feeling really hopeful and excited, when he slurred his words once and I suddenly had this jolt of panic. But he swore it was only because "he was feeling a little down and so he took some NyQuil, and it was just medicine." Then my friend who works in a pysch unit told me about how alcoholics really use NyQuil.
If I had it to do again, I'd wait until my A had two solid years of working AA, with no NyQuil in sight, before I considered thinking about how he runs his life and whether I want to be involved with him again. That would have saved me untold grief.
As an aside, I don't know how old your daughter is -- but the time I finally decided to leave my A for good came about because he endangered our toddler's life when looking after him when he supposedly wasn't drinking any more. Be careful with that precious life. They can love them incredibly much but the alcohol still makes them make very dangerous decisions.
Hi Mattie. Your reply brought tears to my eyes. You are so right. It's hard to accept sometimes, but you see my situation clearly. I feel that sign of hope just because he is being nice to me and cleaning up the yard. It's not enough for me. I wish he was everything you mentioned. He isn't. Never will be. I can't change him. I think I am in a little denial about the NyQuil. I know that it keeps the flow of alcohol in his body, no matter how little it is. My daughter has been in his care when he was drunk...I knew the final straw was a few months ago when I was at work and I called to talk to her and he was slurring his words. Word salad is the term I use. My older daughter was at home but she shouldn't be around it either...nobody should. I felt that jolt that you describe many times. Thats a good description of that feeling of panic and fear I have felt so many times. That's when I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I have promised myself to sit back and watch to see how long he can be sober or dry or whatever and not cave in to his words. I signed a year lease on my apartment to force myself not to move back. I have to give myself years, not months. I am so glad I can come here and have people read my posts and give me their perspective. It helps me stay on the right path of taking care of myself...even if I am lonely at times.
Sometimes I wish he was still drinking so I wouldn't feel confused. Crazy thinking. That's why I keep coming back. Thanks for your honesty!
Newlifegirl, alcoholism is truly a thinking disease that needs active and ongoing treatment. Drinking is just a symptom, albeit one of the worst symptoms. Sounds like a nutty drunk to me minus the vodka. Don't doubt yourself or your sponsor.
Confusion can be a gift if we turn it into our HP's hands and ask for clarity, guidance on the next right action step to take for ourselves and the power to carry it out.
