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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> new to this and in desperate need for support
Post Info TOPIC: new to this and in desperate need for support
mburr


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new to this and in desperate need for support
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Hi all,

Newbie here. I've been lurking and reading for a while and finally decided to make an account.

Long story, kinda short...my partner told me that she wanted a break, completely out of the blue and I was blindsided by it. We have been together for 5 years and were going on 6 in a few months, were engaged and talked about how much we wanted kids and a family in the future all the time, she's actually the one that proposed. She has addiction problems, alcohol mostly then also pain pills which led to her dabbling in heroin for 2 weeks. She stopped after those 2 weeks when her parents realized something was up and she told them everything. She's now in AA and NA and has been sober for about 90 days now. She's been doing her 4th step for a few weeks now and says that it was lead her to make the decision of needing a break and some time. Of course having to sort through this sucks and it feels like my life is over BUT I understand that her recovery needs to come first and that they say it's really hard to be in a relationship while being newly sober and successfully doing the steps.

I joined al-anon and have been reading and visiting different forums as support. Through al-anon, I have realized that I am slightly codependent, learned more about addiction as a disease, that this disease takes over a persons life and hinders their judgement. I also have realized that I have a bad habit of dealing with people and things by just getting angry and holding grudges/building unnecessary resentment because of being the child of an alcoholic parent. I'm hopeful, excited, and scared about getting through my own recovery through al-non...It's just that some days are really really hard to get through cause all I do is think about the bad and revert back to my old ways of dealing with my feelings. I also have this almost crippling fear that she won't come back to me and want to continue our relationship. We've been through a lot together and have loved and supported each other through thick and thin, I honestly can't see myself with anyone else - we just connect on so many levels and it feels so natural.

I'm just looking for some support and some words of encouragement. Facing stuff that you've been ignoring for more than half your life is so incredibly hard.



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*MBurr*
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear mburr
welcome to MIP. I am so pleased that you are attending Al-Anon meeting and have had the courage to reach out here and share your pain, and confusion. As you are aware alcoholism is a dreadful progressive disease over which we are powerless. Al-Anon is the organization of men and women who have lived with this disease and found that they to have been negatively affected and need a program of recovery.

As you will see Step one tells us that we are powerless over Alxohol and Step two indicates that a higher power can restore us to sanity. Living with this disease certainly helped me to develop negative constructive tools to live by. Some of which were denial and pretend. They worked well for a while but certainly did not help me to face reality and live life on life's terms.

Al-Anon has given me constructive tools to do just that. Coming here and sharing, connecting with others who understand as few others can is a huge step in breaking down the denial. It also helps to get to know who I am, what I like and reclaim my self-esteem.

Please keep coming back as it will do the same for you.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
tiredtonite


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Welcome!  I'm glad you're here with us recovering.  I'm sorry for your sadness concerning your partner.  The 4th and 5th steps are so emotional and deeply personal.  The break may simply be about immersing herself in her step work with her sponsor and to establish or re establish her relationship with the god of her understanding. Now that you're in Alanon you may find that you relish the ME time and getting to know yourself, healing your past and enjoying new joys you find in daily living.  Try not to worry so much about the future.  I know that's easier said than done. If you stay busy with Alanon step work and meetings (especially in person meetings if you can) and ask your higher power to stick close and stay by you; that panicky feeling might ease some. When someone asks for a break, it's hard thing to go through. Your partner feels it's necessary.  In my humble opinion, your acceptance of her choice shows great love and maturity.  Hang in there. The best you can each give yourselves is recovery. It can bring about a much healthier relationship between you in the future.  Keep coming back.  TT

 



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 1st of June 2014 08:29:17 AM

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
sunshine23


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Welcome! I would not have made it this far if not for this site. You will find the support here and at Al-anon. Take care of yourself.



-- Edited by sunshine23 on Sunday 1st of June 2014 08:28:53 AM

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Courage


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Welcome to Al-Anon mburr. You made a good choice to look into recovery and I hope you find the fellowship and support that will help you. Keep coming back, and don't forget in person meetings as well as all the Al-Anon and recovery literature that is available.

 



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Newlife girl


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Welcome! I think the break will do you some good too. Getting them Sober is a great volume of books that can help along with al anon books. Try some meetings and take care of yourself during this time. Read on the facts about addiction.

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Living life one step at a time
neshema2


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welcome and it was very good thinking on your partner's part for wanting a break......nobody, really, can work a program as intensly as she is gonna need it and try to hold up a relationship too....program will, for the first year or so occupy all her time...she will be exhausted, sad, grieving, going through all the self discovery that caused her to need to run from life using substance abuse, also addiction can only be kept in remission, it is not curable...

she seems to, by reading your post, want to really get help....the most loving and humane thing you can do is say to her that you love and support her in whatever she has to do to save herself...

and you work on you by working alanon and all its suggestions.....get a sponsor and tear into the 12 steps w/sponsor....get into meetings....get the literature, like "getting them sober"  and also books on writers who manage their codependency...i love Melodie Beattie....also you need to become pals with the slogans and practice a slogan a week, I do it routinely......mine for this week is keep the focus on me.........fellowship w/other alanons, coming here was a big step for you....a smart step.....

if this relationship is to have ANY hope whatsoever, you both need to hunker down, work your separate programs and for now, for a while, put that on the front burner....and for life program will need to be a big priority as you both get healthier and can handle a close, intimate relationship....



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mburr


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Thank you all for the kind words and the support. It really means a lot to me.

I am fully invested in recovery for myself and am going to start attending f2f meetings. I am also looking into getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps with him or her.

I am hoping that everything will work itself out and that we can come out this stronger and have a healthy and loving relationship going forward.

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*MBurr*
Debilyn


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welcome. I don't know what you mean things working themselves out. Am guessing you will be learning many things that will shock you. Addiction is a disease, in a persons dna. It is not curable.

Even a year off drugs is young as far as being on a recovery plan. she is on the right path. You need to realize relapse is also part of this disease. Plus the addict gets worse and worse as time goes on. Please read the many stories on here where addicts have kids.

I know  you want support. I support you in your decsions. It's important to really research the disease and face the truths. NOthing leads a person to heroin, that was a choice.Plus that is a very, very serious drug.

It's extremely had to stop it once you have been on it.

Using is only part of the disease. Other symptoms get worse too. lying, manipulating, selfishness and more.

Her program sounds strong. you are doing the right thing by getting into al anon. I hope you do read Getting Them sober volume one. It will open your eyes.

You are so welcomed here. sincerely!

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
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