The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter has had a drinking problem for years. She seemed to function anyway. She even got a college education. Now that her kids have grown and left, she is barely functional. She can't work, is sick all of the time. I think her brain cells are affected, as she repeats and doesn't remember things right, and lies. I used to talk to her on the phone as I wanted to know how the kids were. I am old now and don't want to listen to her pretending everything is fine, and that she has a mysterious illness. I told her to stop calling and I do feel so guilty. I am not sure she understands what this all does to me, as she is so much in denial.
How does on get over the guilt feelings? Besides going to Alnon.
Just wanted to add...she does not bother anyone or ask for money, does her drinking at home. It is just the phone calls and the pretense I can't do anymore.
Working the 12 steps in meetings and with a sponsor will help you to know what is right for you. Some pieces of guilt may always be there or they could dissipate completely, however, learning to apply the 12 steps to your life will help give you peace from whatever emotions you are experiencing. We can be happy and joyful even having feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, etc. I have a son that is an alcoholic and pretends that all is well; I know differently, but there is no point in my expecting that he will be truthful. I enjoy hearing his voice anyway or receiving his texts. I usually engage in texting, as he has a tendency to go into rants about the government, etc, so instead of cutting him off completely, I just change the methods of connection that work best for me. I deeply love my son, yet I am not to be used as a garbage can for anyone's garbage regardless of my love. Now, if I lived with guilt over my past, I would probably suffer through his rants, but I don't wallow in guilt, so I do what is best for me and still have connection with him on my terms. Al anon works if you work it, that means attending regular meetings, having a sponsor, staying in recovery conversation with people in recovery and to be willing to let go of defects, no matter what.
Thank you. Maybe I will tell her to email me instead. She claims she doesn't do emails. We will see. I just don't like to get stuck on the phone sometimes twice a day. I dread it.
It's a sad thing to see your adult children destroy their lives like this. I have a son that has been drinking for a long time. I always thought his mind was gone but I find that it really isn't. Since he's been in jail his mind is starting to come back and he makes so much more sense when talking to me. I see he can and will be OK if he decides to surrender to his disease and does something about it. I can only pray for him, set my boundaries and let God take over. One of my boundaries was he will never call me if he's drunk or complaining. I will just tell him I love him...can't talk .... and hang up. He soon got the message.
You don't have to feel any guilt about be firm and letting your daughter know your dislike of the disease. She knows you love her but it's up to her to change her life if she wants to not your problem at all. You did not make her drink did you???
I also would recommend Al-anon because it will help you understand her disease and in turn help you and your part in this.
Take care of you and keep coming back because you are not alone....we will love you until you can love yourself.
Slogan: She is going to drink or she's not...what are you going to do?
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have a problem daughter and if i didnt' work my meets, steps w/recovery mates, literature, slogans, AND last night i attended a great meet right here....since i *sorta* have to deal with her if i want to see my baby grandson, i am stepped up on the meetings to keep me level
what pp says is absolutely what i suggest......work on you....take care of you ...detach from her and her problems....she , unless she gets into recovery, is a sinking ship and she will pull you down......it sucks, but powerlessness is real and we much accept it to make our worlds livable...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Lenii, she really has no idea of what this does to you because she is so into the disease and it is all about her feelings. That is just the way of the disease.
My alcoholic BIL has recently been diagnosed with something called alcohol induced dementia. Basically the doctors told my sis that he had 'pickled' his brain over the years and it has caused early onset dementia. He is 65. And, even though he has been forced by circumstances to severely limit his drinking, the damage is done and there is no coming back for him it appears.
I also think email is a wonderful idea. It lets you keep your equilibrium and maintain boundaries while staying in touch. You can open them when you feel able to do so and discard them when you are too emotionally distraught.
Going to Al-Anon for me was the very best way of being able to feel and then get over the guilt and shame...in face it was in Al-Anon that I first felt those two toxic emotions. What other way would you rather deal with it? If it works...work it with others who have worked it. "My program" has never worked well. "The Al-Anon Program" has never failed to work. I get to watch hundreds of others who have been successful in recovery and want what they have. Guilt for the alcoholic can justify continued and increased drinking and for the family and spouse it can justify enabling even harder and more often to prove that we are worthy. Try suggesting to her to "call her sponsor" and let her find out what that is all about herself. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Well, I sent her an email saying maybe we could keep in touch with email. She always says she hates email. I had a message on my machine after coming home from church, that was all silent, except at the end, it was her saying....".Bitch". So that is how that turned out. Today is her birthday(47) and I sent her a card, that's all.
I watch alot of Dr. Phil, and he says we should never give up on our kids. For years, I listened to it all, and then I finally started saying what I thought... What can one do when her S.O. enables her?
Nothing, lenii263. We can't do anything when others enable our kids. I've had to apply the 1st Step many times in relationship to some of my loved ones and others who really did mean well and just didn't understand alcoholism and the way the disease operates. I know I'm not enabling and I try to support my son in the ways that make sense to me with as much detachment in love as I can do it and that's about as far as I can go. I just have no power over that disease and the people who contribute to its continuation. Fortunately, I am able to recognize my powerlessness over how it did affect and can affect me and the solution for me. Al-Anon 12th step work, really good sponsors, people in my fellowship and MIP who are truly working the program, my HP and my willingness to take it one day at a time has made a very positive difference for me. It doesn't always take the pain away or make things easier but it does give me something to hold onto besides constant concern and worry. I'm glad you're here. As Jerry said, keep coming back.
This mom gig is a tough one sometimes.