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Go to my mothers, take a show to watch with her, sleep, go for breakfast together, go electronics shopping with middle brother (we want to build a "spirit radio", fun fun!!), have acupuncture for the first time after several failed appointments, feel wonderful and then home for a nice quiet "me" saturday night. Maybe a foot soak The perfect weekend.
Everything ran to plan up until last night. Brother the eldest had a girl over. There was a lot of all-night giggling through the thin wall. I felt irritated....and then I thought to myself...this is my lonely, self-hating baby brother that I have worried about so much for so long....and these are the sounds of him having FUN and being HAPPY with a new FRIEND!! Funny how the irritation just melted away once I really thought about it. It's a habit, getting irritated, and quite an unnecessary one. I decided to listen to my ipod (which after all, he DID give me out of the goodness of his heart some years ago) and just chill out and stop being a grumpy old lady...lol.
Then, mother does not want to go for breakfast and has instead cooked me scrambled eggs with smoked salmon. This is not a complaint. This is the first thing anyone has cooked for me in a very long time and I relish every mouthful! We go for coffee after. Life is wonderful except, remember the lady I was considering sharing a house with? And then decided that although she has some good qualities is also quite angry and aggressive and talks about getting revenge on anyone that inconveniences her? (And I mean quite violent revenge so I had decided that living together was not ever going to be an option because, frankly, I'm scared of her and what she might do if she ever decides I have "crossed' her). I can't quite figure out the situation; it just isn't right so my choice has been to keep it casual and, out of my home. She has clearly had a hard life and lived around abusive people. She is also kind and generous. But, volatile. Sometimes, too generous (offering to drive myself/daughter places far out of the way etc) and it feels like when ABF is nice...as if she is storing up points...or am I HORRIBLE for thinking that?
Well, anyway, she announced last week that she was moving quite far away this weekend and we made plans to catch up, in holidays or whenever. This morning I receive a text....the house they were going to move to has "fallen through". (She saw it in the paper. Never actually spoke to the owner or made arrangements but left her old house, told the landlord to stick it somewhere unpleasant, packed up the car and decided to just "go". See what I mean about not quite right? So the texts continued all day- "when will you be home? Are you home yet?" I ask why and get no reply. But I know. She and her daughter have nowhere to go. I feel badgered and irritated and now with good reason. Because this must have been the plan from the beginning. She wants to stay "just tonight" yet found out this morning that there was no house to go to and instead of looking for somewhere to go, has waited all day in the car for me to get home? Tomorrow is Sunday. Every place that might help her will be shut. She speaks vaguely of how the lady who owns the house they don't have will be "back in 10 days". OK, and what's the plan between now and then? If the house even exists? Their car is in the driveway with everything they own and 2 cats in it. They are in my daughter's room "just for tonight". And I am uneasy because this wasn't a case of bad luck, or a friend just having a bad time, this was an absolutely BIZARRE plan (just move out with no secure destination and hope they can crash at my place??) and I think, part of a contrived effort to move themselves in here. I know she also wants ABF out, and that she likes to cook up weird schemes, so what manner of drama is cooking here? It's not the first time crazy has barged in my front door (one day I'll tell the story of the insane lady who turned out to be a man who rented a room from me when my husband left and ended up driving me out of my home with non-stop crazy abusive behaviour). My radar is clanging loudly and it hasn't gone off for a very long time; I thought it was completely broken in fact.
What will happen when I say, one night is enough? Will this be considered "crossing" her? I feel very uncomfortable. And so sad for her daughter who was excited about the house they were moving to and now looks just like someone has reached inside and pulled every last shred of happiness from her. The other day, her mother was telling me very loudly, in front of her daughter and mine, that things are too hard and she think's she'll just put the girl in foster care. My heart just about liquified and poured out of my chest for that poor kid. Her mother is her only family in the world; how could she say such a thing in front of her? I wanted to say or do something to put a smile on her face tonight but how can I? From unstable and dysfunctional to now homeless and sleeping in her best friend's room with her mother; she could barely even look up at me when they got here and stayed in the car for a couple of hours before finally coming inside. I took her in some chocolate and she looked as though she would burst into tears.
So, somehow, I have an extremely dysfunctional and homeless mother and daughter in my daughter's room tonight and, I anticipate, tomorrow she will pretend to make calls and ask for another night and then..well, I've heard the plans she cooks up, always deception and trickery so it's not as if she hasn't told me exactly who she is. Even daughter, being best friends with this girl, has decided firmly that she does not want to live with the screaming and dysfunction that is this family.
Do I feel bad; she is friendly to me, drives my daughter places sometimes, and thus far hasn't done anything but ask for a bed for a night? Will she go and do something sensible to find a home tomorrow and I will feel bad for doubting and criticising?
Oh this does not feel good. It feels like a gigantic S&*^-storm brewing in my very own home and I have no idea of how I am going to handle it. Plus I don't know how daughter will feel to come home and find them in her room, or even to know that they stayed there. She's a private sort of a kid.
I am grateful for what I have learned here, oh so very grateful because, although I don't think I had much alternative- you can't turn away a mum and daughter with no-where to go late at night- not for the daughter's sake- I can see the dysfunction now, I am not buying into any of the "poor me" and I know I'm going to have to be a big girl and not be walked over or have this turn into some sort of bizarre situation where I am used and miserable and complain privately but won't stand up for myself. Been there.
What would others do? What would you have said? Am I making a big deal out of not much? I don't think so because, who willingly moves out of their home without another place to go? It makes no sense. It's weird. It's all weird.
Weird!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
There are always options. Here in the states, I would have called police and/or child protective services and they would have placed the girl in state custody (not permanently) until the mother could get her act together. It's not my job to take in poor mothers with no other place to go. Sorry. We have systems in place for that. The mom would actually receive help through the government to set herself up in an affordable apartment. It takes more than poverty to permanently lose your kid. You don't need to be their caretaker.
Radar sounds as if it is in good order Miss.
You've done a nice thing giving them shelter for one night. You might not be thanked for it in the morning and it might not feel as though your friend is your friend when she realises that sheltering under your roof is for a much shorter period than she might have thought. If you are ok with that it will be probably be her 's***storm and not yours. If she kicks up about it, especially in front of the young people, can you call the police?
Kindly ask her to leave. This is just not right no matter what she has done in the past. No guilt needed in telling her this situation is NOT RIGHT and is weird. Honesty is best. She needs to hear what you have told us.
Also your daughter should not come home to somebody in her room. She is way more important then hurt feelings. Just think what could happen if you wait until your daughter gets home and the drama starts.
I pray you get the courage and strength to change your situation before it gets worse
Take what you like and leave the rest....
((( hugs )))
PS: You didn't cause it and you can't fix or control it for her
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Definitely best to do whatever actions are stated above quickly. If she stays there for a couple of days, and you confront her, she will start pulling the "squatters rights" argument, and find all kinds of means of trying to manipulate you into letting her stay "for just a little while longer".
She sounds like she has a PhD in manipulation. My guess is that she won't be agreeing to leave any time soon. So you'll need a Plan B. Maybe that's calling the police. How are your own plans to move out? It would be kinda satisfying for you to get your new place now and then let your A deal with Ms. Manipulative. Sorta like the Irresistable Object means the Immoveable Force.
But failing that, I think you know that this is not a good situation and that she is relying on making it difficult for you to set reasonable boundaries. She has magical thinking and reasonable plans are not a goal as far as she's concerned. As for her becoming aggressive in retailation -- it's already happened and it's not even in retaliation.
If I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever it takes to put a stop to this today. That probably will involve the police. She's definitely looking for an enabler. I think the silver lining is that you're seeing how right you were not to choose to share a house with her.
I'd see if "NO" will be the best and shortest sentence available. I use to do the longer or longer or longest version until practice brought it back to "NO"...is a complete sentence. No harm in trying. (((((hugs)))))
They left this morning, but, with absolutely no plan other than to ask my neighbour-who has already said no- if she can live in his bungalow. I wonder if the plan is to stay in the car all day again and turn up back here at night? I think I'll just offer to have the daughter here for a week or so while mum sorts herself out. What a mess.
I was pleasant but didn't stop and talk to her, even when she came and sat looking miserable in the lounge; I had told her I was busy and she could stay but I wasn't up for company. If some disaster had befallen her I would have been all ears and cups of tea but, I'm different to who i used to be; I just have no tolerance for nonsense, or adults creating ridiculous situations and then expecting sympathy. Maybe I am becoming cold and heartless, i don't know. Plenty of people have been sympathetic to me in the past when I've created my own drama to wallow in. I remember those people as being very kind and making my life a bit nicer.
Ugh. Over-thinking things and picking on myself now, I need a program today!!
Thanks for letting me talk this out.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh. They posted on facebook that they are going interstate and daughter has just discovered her ipad has been taken from her schoolbag and replaced- with the woman's drink-bottle. She stole from my daughter, I feel sick and so does my girl. How could someone do that; how can I afford to replace the ipad, how will daughter ever trust anyone, how will I?
Just feel sick, really sick. What a revolting thing to do.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I amso sorry Missmelisa What a painful expereince. I would report this to the police and ask HP for the courage and serenity to learn the lessons in this unfortunate event.
Prayers.
Aw mel, im sorry, there a saying about this, no good deed goes unpunished. Show your girl a good example report this to the police and hopefulky she will get it back and the women will get the proper consequence. I feel sorry for the other wee girl, what a terrible example to set your kid.x
So sorry. But you certainly dodged a bullet in not rooming with her. I didn't realize she was an alcoholic, but it makes sense, doesn't it? Because there's a whole lot of crazy behavior.
I guess the thing about this is that it gives you the chance to reflect on why you succumbed to her pressure and took her in for the night. I'm not casting blame at all. And I know you were thinking of her poor daughter, who is stuck in a terrible situation (though not one that you have the power to remedy). But I mean that sometimes it can be helpful to look at the details of a situation -- the many steps that led to her targeting you, and doing her best to wear you down, and where you might have missed red flags, or could have set up boundaries, so that when this kind of thing happens again, you'll be safe. Because I do believe that these people go through life trying it out on everyone they meet, and more of them will come along, because they're out there.
That's exactly what I'm taking from this, that there is a point where most people hear alarm bells, hold up a hand, draw a boundary and sensibly keep their distance. I go the other way; I think I hear the bells but my instinct is to pity the person or something; I think the nervous feeling is there but my response is to do whatever I can to help instead of protecting myself. Not sure how or why I learned this response but it's time to unlearn it.
I know I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to change this pattern because the same kinds of things happen over and over and it isn't that I am targeted by transient or crazy people, it's pretty much as you say Mattie, certain types of people try it on with everyone; i's just that it works with me so they keep coming back to me. Exactly how I ended up with ABF; any other woman would have slapped his face and thrown him out the very first night but I put up with it and he kept coming back, the next time with dirty washing, then a need for money, starving hungry, then homeless......lol. My response and willingness to help is what is bringing me these terrible situations over and over, it's as simple as that. I need to find a good book about being compassionate without being a sucker or something, because I'm a bit clueless really.I just always hope for and expect kindness to be rewarded with kindness, HA. There's one of me born every minute eh.
Her ipad turned up at school today behind a shelf and the other girl was there today. Last night I locked the ipad remotely and had it display a message "This ipad has been reported stolen; please hand in to the police or call xxx" so it would have been useless to someone else unless they were very clever and knew how to jailbreak an ipad. Or she just left it at school but, she swears she didn't- she's not a scatterbrain- and there's no explanation for the woman's drink bottle being in her bag in place of the ipad, she shouldn't have been anywhere near daughter's school bag which was zipped up, it's just super-weird. Also when I arrived home on saturday a glass garden ornament had been pulled out of the garden and smashed all over the path; well ABF says she was ringing the doorbell all morning and he didn't answer (he never answers the door, it's as if he is afraid to???) and he thinks she smashed it in anger because no-one answered the door; OMG crazy people everywhere!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 2nd of June 2014 01:58:27 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
The perfect weekend.
Sorta like the Irresistable Object means the Immoveable Force.