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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Keeping the Focus on Me
Post Info TOPIC: Keeping the Focus on Me
tiredtonite


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Keeping the Focus on Me
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I've mostly been coming here and reading and benefiting from the experience, strength and hope of your shares lately. Each day seems to bring a new drama in my bf's family as well as consequences from his choices. I'm grateful for really getting what it means to detach and continue to take care of just myself.  Thankfully, we're both in recovery but of course our higher powers continue to send each of us our own life on life's terms lessons. Bf has been getting some rude awakenings and as much as I feel sorry for him, my rescuing days are long over.  When we visit with his siblings, they use his sis in law as a scapegoat and blame her for their brother's choices as if she has the power to control his choices. They've tried to gossip about her to me until I cut the conversation short by telling them I'm not comfortable going there that what goes on in other people's marriages isn't really my business. I may be less popular as a result of this but that's ok I'm popular with ME.  I'm easier to live with (keep my serenity) when I've been true to myself.  Another issue has been bf's sobriety.  It seems the middle brother seems to have a lot of resentment about bf's recovery and emotional availability. It's almost as if he feels he's lost his place in line for the throne.  Bf feels middle brother was getting a lot of mileage from being the "responsible" one but with bf no longer being active, it's almost as if the middle brother sees that as a threat to his position in the family. He recently flexed his control muscle and gave bf a lecture. Bf told him he could likely call him on a thing or two but didn't feel that was necessary and didn't need a lecture or unsolicited opinion for something requiring a yes or no answer.  Isn't interesting how we can resent them when they drink and then when they're sober and working a program of recovery too. Uh who has sick behavior??? Well, middle brother isn't in a program so that needs to be remembered too. I have to be mindful not to add fuel to the fire here when bf shares this stuff with me. I realize it's very frustrating and disappointing to him to have family use his active alcoholism of the past as a weapon in the present but of course I have my own things to deal with.  I am trying to offer a sympathetic ear but not react either in words or actions detract from what I need to do concerning day to day things that need attention in my own life.

Tomorrow we are attending his daughter's grad open house at his ex wife's house which use to be his home.  I'm going to need to be mindful of my motives while there. I have no doubt this will be a lot harder for him than for me.  My job is to have a nice time celebrating with his daughter.  He's responsible for taking care of himself and preparing himself emotionally to go to that house where she is living with her new husband and seeing the old neighbors who only knew him when he drank.  Staying present is going to be essential for me.  I told one of my friends at work I was attending the party and she asked me if I was going to wear something really "hot" to the ex wife's house. LOL  I am so over that manipulative type of behavior but I thought I would share that with you so you could have a laugh.  I told my coworker, I don't know what I'm wearing when I get up tomorrow I'll see what I feel like wearing lol  Honey, does this necklace make me look fat? wink  Well... time to get ready to go to my f2f and fellowship with my sponsor.  Thanks for reading along.  It's good to put these feeling out there and release them.   Would love to hear your experiences and wisdom around the crazy family dynamics.  TT



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grateful2be


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Hi, TT. Wow! I liked reading all that you wrote here. You are certainly putting program principles into practice. I don't think it is unusual for family dynamics to shift when somebody is getting healthier. The change back pattern is such an unconscious push. Nobody likes to change and so "change back" to the healing one can certainly be a hard push. I'm glad both of you are working your programs and that you are willing to step back and let your ABF rise to the occasion of putting his program to work and not changing back if he chooses.

In my FOO, there is usually one out. The rest of the family projects all their stuff onto that one. Then, at some point, they'll re-include that one with empathy and compassion and find another one to be "out." There doesn't need to be a reason for the person being outed. It is all to keep the pattern alive and well and nobody is even conscious of it. For six years after my Dad had his stroke, I got to be the one out. It was extremely painful - devastating to begin with at first. Program, my sponsor, the fellowship and my own health helped me through some pretty tough times. Learning to stand my ground without sacrificing myself or demanding anybody else should change was a very, very difficult challenge. Now, the FOO has shifted back with some to "everybody belongs" and nobody's out. That can change, too. We'll see. But I do know that your sister-in-law was probably soooooooo benefited by your refusal to sanction the gossip and the blaming and shaming. That knowledge makes me smile.



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neshema2


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WOW, TT....excellent example of taking care of you, detaching w/compassion and minding your own side of the street.....I enjoy reading shares from folks who are obviously working their program.....this stuff works, hey???  keep up the good job on you....biggrinbiggrin



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Debilyn


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lol hi sweet love! you nut. Ya sound good. sorry no family here.

but my horse Glory and my farmpig Augie are in love! top that, lol



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tiredtonite


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Thanks everyone for your support.  Things went as well as could be expected.  There was a lot of drinking and bf became overwhelmed by the smell at one point but was ok. The ex wife greeted him and introduced herself to me which if she hadn't I would have introduced myself.  This didn't happen until I escaped the flurry of her female relatives, her mother, cousins etc who rushed to introduce themselves to me wink  I think I did well in handling that. I could see the ex mil checking me out head to toe as I conversed with her husband. I could see her from the corner of my eye and enjoyed her curiosity about the new woman in her former son in law's life.

I could also see his ex had worked really hard to give dau a nice grad party and is a good mom to his kids.  I feel close to his kids so I'm glad about that.  His kids spent a lot of time with us. One even asked me privately how her dad was doing and said it must feel awkward to come back to the house.  I just said, "Well... life is different now."  She said, "That's very true."  Then we both took a breath and bf had joined us again. 

Although I'd seen his ex on a few isolated ocassions, I wouldn't have recognized her if I passed her on the street.  Her new husband never did acknowledge either bf or myself but that wasn't a surprise. He was boisterous, beer guzzling and attention seeking.  They had some sort thing rigged in the garage that dispensed beer from a spout atop a small refrigerator with a tube inside the frig. A toddler who I'm thinking was new husband's grandchild tried to open the small frig and he said to him "Wait, I'll show you how that works." I was standing close enough yet far enough from everyone else to say something without anyone but him hearing it.  I wanted to say, "Training him in early huh?"  Thank hp I didn't do that!  

The graduating daughter was so happy we came and the eldest told us she had asked a few times do you think dad and ... are going to come to my party?  Bf and I looked through all her childhood pics and current ones.  He was in some.  His ex and him were in one picture with the kids.  It almost seem an intentional photo just one so so the break up of the family wouldn't be glaring. The ex wife's new husband wasn't in any but there was a splashy page with his entire family labelled by the wife as our "new" family.  

Bf's former house is entirely renovated and the basement bathroom decorated with the our state's rival football team. The "new" husband was wearing their shirt too.  I was so proud to be with bf who whispered to me, I'm so glad I don't drink anymore as the boorish new husband became more and more the life of the party.  Bf daughters didn't speak with the new husband in our presence.  They usually hug me good bye but not today.  It's ok though I understand and know they care about me.  I think they were hyper conscious of both their dad and mom's feelings and not wanting them hurt.

I'm glad the day is over. I'm glad she divorced him.  Glad he got sober and I met him. Next week I may feel differently LOL but I only have to take it one day at a time right? 

Bf said he had a few moments concerning the house but said he is ok and realizes that he chose to reliquish the house of youngest could continue to grow up in it and what ex and her new husband have done with changing it is their business.  We agreed that things went pretty smoothly all things considered and all those invasive questions he prepared for from former neighbors never happened.  The ex sis in law told him how great he looked and said all the weight he lost she gained.  Someone took a pic of him with his girls inside the front door before we left and I saw a moment in his eyes that he pushed back and then smiled for the picture.  The eldest dau wanted one with me as well but I laughed and said I would pass since I didn't want it to end up on fb despite their promises that it wouldn't. They laughed too and said they would see us on father's day and we left.  I got in the car and said to bf this car has never felt so good!  He said yeah.  So we got through it :) and everyone remembered it was the kid's day to celebrate. 

Oh... his bro did hide in bf's ex wife's house all day since his disagreement with bf but he and his wife at least said hello to us both when they arrived. It's a start. 

Ya know... I think we actually had a good time.

Isn't detachment wonderful?!!  TT

 



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 31st of May 2014 08:14:58 PM

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hotrod


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Nice UPdate TT I am happy for you and thank you for bringing such powerful ESH back here.

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