We have to put people in "safe" houses so they won't be abused and abusers roam free. So weird.

I use to feel that way but now that I have experienced it. I heard from the people in the system and they say the system is "broken"

Truth,

If you have documentation and try not to beat the "he's crazy" drum to much, they will see him show his butt. I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying .. I always panic when my STBAX starts acting normal and then the God of my understanding reminds me blatantly EXACTLY that he IS crazy and NO I'm not imagining it.

You are NOT imagining what you are experiencing .. it IS real .. and all you have to do is stand quietly in your truth .. it WILL come out.

My STBAX in his profile lists that he's a social drinker and here I'm thinking he's practicing a program of recovery .. umm .. does that sound like recovery to you? If I tell you what I'm experiencing .. do you believe me? Well, really it comes down DO I BELIEVE me and YES .. I DO. I KNOW what I have experienced .. I KNOW what I have dealt with and from time to time I need a touch stone to remember YES .. it's HIM and not me at this point. From there I shift that I need to focus on me and let him show his crazy while I get my popcorn out and watch the show. It's like watching a train wreck and all I can do is keep myself and the kids out of the way as much as possible.

BIG hugs!!! S :)

Truth Why not buy a tape recorder, or record the incidents with your cell phone.

Tell him you will be doing that in the future so that he is aware.

Video is so I am installing cameras at the house

He does not get caught he has too many people who lie for him and he knows how to legally harass

I just phoned them... They gave me another number. That is how it works here. You just get phone numbers and phone and ask they give you another number and another number.

I had success with the local Domestic Assault Shelter and their counselors in my City. Just a quick easy phone call, told them I wanted to talk with a Domestic Assault counselor, scheduled an appointment and I was all set. My experience was much easier than yours. Do you live in a small town where they don't have those kinds of services?

I understand. I can't remember if you have attended Al-Anon meetings? It helped me to spend time with groups of people that included men who were good to their wives, mothers, and/or their daughters. It helped me feel safer to be with people who weren't abusive. I didn't talk about my situation while in it or when out of it much, but just being with other people and enjoying light and easy fun with them helped me relax more. I also had a couple of very understanding friends who came into my house and did all they could to help me feel safer. I didn't feel like it was me alone. I felt like it was me with others who cared about me in an up close and personal way. The domestic assault counselors or shelters weren't available then. I went to one several years after I moved away from the x and had developed a support system and new friends in the new City. One of the gals I worked with at the time had spearheaded a domestic assault shelter being built and funded in our City and was able to secure female counselors trained in assisting survivors of abuse. Because I trusted my co-worker who didn't know anything about the abuse, I chose to call the Center for a counselor at that time. That occurred about 6 or 7 years after I'd divorced him.

I also think it is a good idea to install cameras and to tape conversations as you are intending.  Whether or not they are admissible in court wouldn't matter as much as having evidence that he is being abusive to you now do you think?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 30th of May 2014 09:21:34 PM

I might have to go into debt for awhile to get myself back on my feet.

No I go to meetings. I just have to get a sitter. I meant practicing recording on my phone.

No the fear is very real. He will leave me alone I think well he has his new negative advocates but he always comes back. The abuse gets worse as soon as he gets a new girlfriend.

In my experience we are mostly on our own with unhealthy relationships and I live an ocean away from you. The system here cant really cope with dysfunctional relationships or people. The only thing that changed things for me and my family was working this program. Most people who have lived with alcoholism have experienced abuse to various degrees. I wont allow it now, no way. What ever you can do to make you feel safer then do it. If cameras help you have serenity then why not. Dont put your serenity into the hands of people who dont understand or believe you.  Its what you know, think, believe thats important and what you are going to do about it, not just pracical things but hoe are you going to heal and move on from it?

Do you have a sponsor?

He came after me when I was pregnant and ever since then I have had PTSD. He knows that he frightened me to death and he gets this creepy smile. I call it "dupers delight" . Believe me the old me would have picked up the phone had the police there in an instant. Now I have to re-train my brain

They write him raving reviews of how he is practicing "his" program. The abuse is made up. She must be crazy. She is a liar. He plays them all like a little fiddle. Domestic violence is not just between the couple. It is continued and perpetrated by people around them. The ones who want to minimize it. The ones who want to believe that it takes "two". The ones who want to doubt that what they are saying is real. It is a community problem. One in four woman are in an abusive relationship.

I actually cannot even count how many people he has convinced that I don't want him in AA.

The "players" just keep changing.

Truth, you cant change him, his friends, the system, the laws. You can change the effects these have on you. You can change your own way of thinking. Him talking about you and lying about you is none of your business, you can choose not to give that crap headspace. Why give him power over your mind? You have choices here, you dont have to be a victim if you choose not to be.