The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all, this is my first time on this blog but from what I read I really enjoy it. I just found out my hubby is an Addict and my life has been turned upside down. I saw the signs but didn't want to admit it but he finally confess and decided to go to rehab. He has been in rehab for only a week cause the insurance will only pay for 7 days. He seems different but I know this is only the start. He decided to go to a Sober House for a while even though he prefer to come home. I suggest that he go there as well as his therapist. What makes me nervous is wondering whether he is ready to change or just going through the motion? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to not upset him or make him feel like using again. I plan on going to Alanon meetings next week cause I know I need to really work on myself. I want to support him but also know that this is his choice. I guess Im just hoping hes serious about this considering that this is first time in rehab and from what Ive read many addicts seem to go to rehab more than once. Any suggestions as to how I should be once he's home?
Hi, t. Yes, it is his choice to get help and stick with the guidance - or not. That is all up to him and his HP. Fortunately, you are choosing to go to Al-Anon meetings and those can make a big difference to you in terms of getting help for yourself and sticking with the program. Keep coming back. It does work if you work it.
The best thing I did for my alcoholic wife when she got home from her second rehab was to start going to Al Anon meetings. There I started healing. I found out Al anon is really for me, but the side benefits made it great for the whole family.
There I discovered that I didn't cause her alcoholism, I can't control her alcoholism, and I won't cure her alcoholism. Understanding of that lifted a lot of burden off of me, along with accepting our first step, which we do very similar to AA, which is where we admit that we are powerless over alcohol.
With those realizations I was able to become more calm, and also realize that my AW is a person with real feelings, and did a lot of things she had no control over, and therefore I couldn't beat her over the head with them when she got home. instead, I took most of my venting to the rooms of Alanon, where people know what that is like and can sympathize. And I started to just get it off my chest. It was a few months before I realized I had done a share that wasn't mostly kvetching about my wife, but now most of my shares aren't about that. That feels pretty good!
I was instead able to become more up front about... everything. I have walked on eggshells my entire life. My family of origin weren't alcoholics, but a lot of emotional dysfunction was going on, so I am so used to walking on eggshells that I didn't know any other way. When she got home, I started being as honest as possible without trying to hurt her. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" became my mantra. AA encouraged her to become very honest as well. She got to a point where she valued truth and sobriety over drunkenness and lies. She went through a palpable change in her outlook, and has been getting better as she's gone through the steps.
If your husband comes back but he's not really ready, you may notice that many of the behaviors that irritated you before not only aren't being worked on, they aren't even acknowledged. it was that way after my AW's first rehab. Of course, I didn't know what was going on, I didn't even know that I didn't know, I just wanted her to come home fixed. She came home fixed, but it didn't last long. Manipulation and denial, rationalization, and yelling came back within a couple of months.
So, the only thing I could do after that second one was change myself. I had my part in it too. I was terribly passive/aggressive and shut down emotionally very easily from that whole problem I mentioned above with the family of origin. So I worked on that. Those kinds of behaviors were what made he reach for the bottle in the first place. I know I didn't make her an alcoholic, but I know I had my part in it, it wasn't just all her. My learning of that was also part of my healing.
Please keep coming back, and definitely go to meetings!
