The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well here I am again. I thought I was going to come here to offload a pity-party on to you. But after a quick think-through, I realize the real issue is me STILL not living MY life for MYSELF, but needing validation from others first and foremost.
I'm not currently embroiled in any drama involving chemically-addicted people (if that's the right term). I'm involved in my own drama, in my own head, revolving around a couple of people addicted to themselves. Given their overactive egos, they are not capable of the levels of intimacy I am ready for in close friendships or companionship. I think fear and lack of self-worth are keeping me from expecting or going out and finding better. I got my heart trampled on all over again, while in the midst of trying not to fall back down the rabbit hole of depression. Thanks to al anon, I am doing far better this time around, but a little upset that I let this happen again ("Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making" - Oh shut up, Lee Ann Womack).
It all snuck back in on me again. All my old ways crept back in, even though I thought I was working a program. But I'm kidding myself, because I'm not consciously making that time for myself every day to read or join in a recovery group. I do it once a week and think "See? I'm ok...".
But it all comes tumbling back down again and I wonder how did I let myself get fooled again?
I feel like I've got the mechanics down. The hints, some of the steps, the slogans, and the meanings behind them. I do at least now have some goals of my own, for myself, but I'm still putting them off for other people. I'm so bitter and jealous of those people who just get up and DO whatever it is they feel led to do - I know a lot more men who do that, than women. It's like I was born without an ignition switch. I know much of that is conditioning, since being raised female in my family meant 'to serve man' - literally, the man in the house at the time, be it my Dad or my Brother. If you were female in my family you did not exist except for serving the men. Ugh. It's SO hard for me to shake that off. And now that I think of it, the afore-mentioned egomaniacs in my life are all male. I start to hero-worship them. It feels like (the misogynistic) home. I'm not man-hating here, I just want to put them into a healthier perspective in my head and life.
So yay, I can walk through a day armed with my al-anon and coda toolbox of slogans, recognizing, dodging and darting behavior I now know I should not put up with. But I still blindly succumb to dazzling displays of narcissism.
Anybody have any E/S/H or perspectives on what helped you with this kind of thing? On not only SEEING red flags, but actually HEEDING them?! And believing in yourself enough to keep good standards/boundaries regarding that? I know that many of you have DONE this, you have achieved this, you aren't like that any more. I know where I'd like to be, but I have no idea how to get there.
I need to do a lot of work on this. It's ingrained.
I guess I expected to get recovered quickly and everything would be OK. It goes so slow. You work a little at a time.
I have found the most uncomfortable relationship was more normal. When the relationship felt comfortable, I needed to run.
We get the same lessons until we learn what we are doing the same thing over again and it is not working.
The more you get to know yourself the more you will see the red flags.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, look at what you do is good and right.
I think I will always be learning a lesson or two in life it keeps me growing..
Work on you because you are the most important person!!!
__________________
I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Maybe you are progressing more than you think if big egos are now rubbing you wrong. If you were still totally functioning in low self esteem and with your misogynistic family of origin issues, you'd still be worshipping these guys right? You will just get quicker with noticing and heeding red flags. Sounds like you are doing it though. Note your progress!
Oh, thanks for the votes of confidence, Hopes & PC! It never occurred to me that I might actually be making progress.
Hopes...I had to reread this a few times: "I have found the most uncomfortable relationship was more normal. When the relationship felt comfortable, I needed to run." I hadn't thought about that, either. I will from now on though. I think those comfy relationships that felt like 'home', were with moody, sullen, emotionally-unavailable bullies. For some reason now, I have got it into my head that overachieving know-it-alls are a healthy alternative! I'm not trying to lump people in together, but this is definitely a pattern.
Thank you for the support. Yes, it's good to keep learning. I think I was expecting neat, convenient lessons. Not horribly embarrassing & messy ones.
One of the nice things is that we're all equals brought here by the effects of alcoholism and share a common purpose of recovering. We're safe to share our voice and our voices are validated. In your upbringing you said the men in the house were to be served. In our program, a loving god governs we take turns leading our meetings and program related affairs but are trusted servants who don't govern.
Maybe more Alanon meetings that are a good mix of both men and women and sharing Alanon service with men in the program such being group treasurer during some months that a man in the group is assigned as chair help with breaking the old thinking pattern and bring create some balance in how you are viewing men. Time and experience this way helped me to regain trust and confidence in myself as an equal to others rather than in a one down position. Just a thought, but if you have the Alanon 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book, a closer look at our traditions might shed some light on this issue of inequality and help you to work on it.
You have awareness. It take time to change old thought patterns but learning in safe places like my meetings has really helped for practicing in the world. Hope something here was of help. Thanks for sharing and being here recovering with me. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can't say I have progressed all that well in dealing with men with big egos. I don't argue with them very often and I seldom take anything they say seriously. I will confront their behavior when I think enough is enough, but for the most part I simply ignore them and they always go away.
Clearthefog, all i can say, I RELATE TO YOU. i currently also go through experiences some big put-offs with people with big ego. I can't stand them, and I think that I am in the run of developing more healthy attitudes than before, when I was a fully active co-dependent. I know now, ,I don't have to listen, I don't have to take them too serious, I understand where big ego is coming from, and I learn how to walk away..and sometimes even erase those people from my life, for they give me negative vibes.
sometimes they still manage to make me angry, but I am today thankful for that emotion, for I learn to step up for myself, and be more just myself, big egos is much wind for not much. that helps me to detach.and get on with life and enjoy more humble peoplelife can be so much more simple.
thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the support and helpful replies. It's good to have company in this journey.
My problem isn't that I engage in arguing with them, or that they are even arguing with me. These guys aren't bullying me. They're dazzling me with their superior knowledge and I fall for it. It's as if I have progressed on from the chest-beating cavemen, to something more arrogant. So I guess I'm having a bit of a realization this week - stepping outside myself and observing - this wide-eyed, naive child in me who still needs to believe that I can't do, think, or decide anything unless it is endorsed by a know-it-all smart, nerdy guy, who also possesses people skills. I have a way of finding these men. I can spot them at parties and I usually end up spending fascinating hours talking to them. I end up worshiping them. Then after that, I lead my life based on what I think would impress them, or what THEY would do, themselves. Where am I in all this? I'm missing! I'm totally absent from my own life. I have been absent since about the age of 10.
Ok. Self-awareness. Cool. It helps now that I am aware of my self-awareness! I'm hoping that'll be all I will need to smile at myself, shake my head next time I find myself doing this, and try to correct that behavior.
I'm actually happy that I have realized this, and thank you all for your help.
I've heard it said that what we see in another is oftentimes what is in us. So, maybe that smart person with the people skills that you see is also you and those parts of you that really like? Just maybe?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 30th of May 2014 07:03:08 PM
Thanks, G2B. It has something to do with that. They exhibit (on a grandiose scale) things I wish I had done or studied, and know I COULD have, if I had been born male and therefore encouraged by my family and society I grew up in (not in the US). I guess I can be grateful that they did brag about how much they knew/could do, etc., so that I could have this huge epiphany.
And so the next logical thought along that line is: I can learn all of these things for myself because I AM ENOUGH. But it's going to take a lot of practice over many years for me to really believe that, I think.
This has been a really heavy realization this week. I'm glad it's part of my codependency recovery, and not fraught with chemically-induced drama this time!
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Saturday 31st of May 2014 10:29:48 AM
