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Today I had a parent teacher for my kids. They used to be all As students. 2 years ago, we moved because of AH's job. Their grades are continuously deteriorating. So the teachers were telling us they are not doing well. My AH was at the PT too. after that he commented that they are doing very badly. I told him as kind as I can that their exams happened during the week he created havoc and we both contributed to this. He immediately turned it to "you failed them".
I was very sad about their grades and now this? He has been sending abusive texts the past few nights of which I did not respond other then replying once "I will not talk when you drink." I couldn't take it anymore Today. I started sobbing. So I replied to him that he failed them and I will block him from now on during the nights. He replied with go to hell. I told him "you are drinking yourself to hell".
I am losing my desire to be back with him. This disease is destroying me and the kids too. I have to focus on my kids.
It's so interesting that you brought this up and I hope it gives you some hope. I don't know if your kids are in counseling, my two to go to counseling and I'm grateful for the fact their dad's job covers EAP (Employee Assistance Program it's 12 - 18 sessions in a given year, it can vary it starts over in January). Kids need a non bias place be it Alateen and/or counseling to get this garbage that they have no choice and no voice in. I'm really grateful that I went that direction because both of my kids are thriving .. has it been easy .. no .. they are gaining life skills that they wouldn't have gained and they have learned a valuable lesson .. life isn't easy .. life isn't fair.
My daughter has never gotten good grades, .. during a time that should have been her easiest time she was struggling badly. I knew she was .. however I wasn't in a place do really DO anything as I couldn't focus on anything except my STBAX .. were we splitting up .. we were staying together .. DUI blah blah blah .. verbal vomit .. lol and oi! It was ALWAYS about him .. HIS drama HIS stuff and my kids suffered for it.
Her first year of high school and that kid has turned a corner. First off, she's maturing and she gets things that I sure never did at her age. She is naturally boundary oriented .. how that happened .. who knows .. lol. She knows what is her stuff, .. what is not and what she needs to accept responsibility for and what to let go of. Her grades went from almost failing 2 classes in the 8th grade to A's and B's, high honor roll the first quarter and honor roll the second .. that's HUGE based upon the classes she's taking and how she struggled in the past.
My youngest is 10 .. he deals with anger and how to address the issue appropriately. He uses his words to say what is and what isn't ok. He is finding his voice in his situation. He is the kid who comes home and the first thing he does is his homework and then he plays and so on. These are all things that I did something right in terms of there was a lot of good.
They have both verbalized that while they love their dad ... they do not want him to come home. They see and get how out of control he is at this point and are not interested in the least.
Biggest blessing I have found in healing is if I'm ok .. the kids are going to be ok. So as I get better .. they do as well. If it's good for me .. it's also good for my kids.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sunshine - PLEASE go easy on yourself! I would have let loose even worse with someone blaming me over 1. Things that were mostly their fault, 2. After you tried to be humble and own your part, and 3. While they are still busy creating havoc and slinging abuse.
Pat yourself on the back for standing up for yourself not putting up with this unacceptable behavior.
It is normal to cry and get upset with regard to this situation. You sound like you are dealing with this though and you are not in denial. Your head is not buried in the sand. You are further along than you give yourself credit for.
Sunshine this is indeed a dreadful disease that hurts the entire family. Please remember that you did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. The best you can do is begin to truly take care of yourself so your children have at least one healthy parent.
Make alanon calls, read your daily reader, post here , work the steps with the slogans and remember to live ODAT focused on yourself with the serenity prayer This too will pass.
Stand tall and proud - it sounds as if you are coping better than you think. Who wouldn't cry! I remember when I started to realise that I just did not have the support of my husband, and in fact if I showed any vulnerability he would pile on the insults. It was tough trying to stay strong, and ultimately not that helpful! I don't understand the whys of it and he has my sympathy. But I also celebrate the day that I realised that I had to look after myself (very well indeed for a while) if I wanted to survive and continue giving to those that I love. I think that you are showing great awareness and I really admire your boundary setting. You are right, focus on your children but please don't forget to focus on yourself as well. When AH was in the midst of hurling insults I used to figure out a treat that, in my mind, matched the hurt I felt. I had some good times as a result of those insults! At times like this I love the alanon phrase 'keep it simple'.
Thanks all. I am going to get counsellor for my kids. They need to learn how to cope too. Will stand firm and not go back to the controlling and manipulative self. That was too scary. Tomorrow will be another day.
Ahhhh, Sunshine: You've gotten such good e/s/h here. That disease knows exactly where to hit the most tender places in us and can bring us down so low. You are working your program. You are doing what you can to make the changes you can make. Your children's grades today are not a determiner of their tomorrows. As I told an over-achieving teen who made herself sick worrying about her grades, "When you die, no one will stand at your grave saying: Here lies "K" who always got straight As." This is one report, one grading period, one time in your life and theirs. Yes, you've all been through a lot. You are doing the best you can today. You and they are loved for who they are and not for what they do. And this, too, will pass one day at a time, one class at a time, one encouraging and supportive word at a time. Let the tears flow out and the support and encouragement flood in and pass that all on to your children who might feel as discouraged right now as you do? You have all survived some crushing blows and you are here to tell the story of it and to recognize that you are growing at your own pace as your children are, too, and that darn disease will not overcome you or them. What I see here is a very interested Mother who cares enough about her kids to even go to talk with the teachers, face the reality of this one marking period, and love herself and her kids through it. The lashing out at you from AH may come from his own belief that it is all his fault, too. There is no good guy or bad guy here. Just people doing the best they can with what they have to work with today. Just for today that is enough.
My seven year old let some tears flow one night a few weeks after a parent/teacher interview. I felt that tingle of shame and guilt poke at me. I heard the terrible words active A said at the time. Not helpful, I had to process all those feelings and then let any shame and guilt go. I did the best I could. This post actually reminded me to get a different referral for the seven year old. Done! thx all. I find with the 7 year old, her strengths will not be visible in standardized testing. Her tantrums and lashing out are/were a product of the guilt and shame she felt because she cant learn the curriculum at the same rate as the others. She has also been exposed to experiences she doesn't know how to process. One day at a time. They too have their journey. Keep shining your light with the hope to guide them in a healthy direction.
My 13 yo son was 10-13 when this all happened in our house. For the first couple of years, he and I thought that mommy was just "tired", because she did just have mononucleosis, which seemed to have turned into chronic fatigue syndrome. however, her bouts of fatigued, I figured out after awhile, were actually bouts of binged vodka.
Even once I figured out she was drinking, I left it at "mommy's tired". Maybe not the best strategy, but I was still somewhat in denial about the whole thing, couldn't imagine it was happening to us.
Once she went into inpatient treatment, she decided to tell him herself what was going on. She told him in a very sympathetic, yet straigthforward way. I was proud of her, it seemed like one of the first steps into her recovery.
Then she relapsed, starting getting tired again. Son went into denial on it, and started saying mommy was tired again. I told her she needed to tell him what was going on, it wasn't my story to share, but she was active again and didn't do it, even though she said she would. Then, she tried to pick him up from school with a BAC of 0.23, and a deputy took her away from the school parking lot to the county jail. That will put just about anybody's denial to rest.
I was out of town at the time, so he stayed at his grandma's. I talked to him a lot on the phone. Afterwards, AW went into another treatment center, and we had to go to two hours of family education to see her. I warned him it would be eye-opening. Sure enough, the first question from a parent was how to get her daughter to not go back to her heroin-filled boyfriend/life.
So son has learned a lot. As far as I'm concerned, the BEST thing out of this is that this happened at a relatively young age for him, old enough to comprehend but not into teenage years when he might just not want to communicate about it. And he knows now that he could be carrying a gene with alcoholic proclivity, and what could happen if he started to drink.
Also, he has had to learn to be able to deal with anger, deal with irrational mom, deal with irrational dad, and find out that even though he has to deal with our crap sometimes, we still love him and tell him and apologize afterward for any wrongs we have done. He's grown up emotionally a lot in a short amount of time. it is a journey, so I'm sure this will affect him both negatively and positively, and it's hard to tell at this point which will be + or -. But by the time everything is said and done, I think the sum total will be neutral to positive.
He has had some grades suffer. HIs school has actually been very sympathetic and was a little TOO nice to him after mom got busted in the parking lot. But we got that corrected after a little while, and he is doing pretty well.
So, go easy on yourself, you never know what bad things can turn into good in your child's life. They all have to go through pain to grow but, as they say, suffering is optional. And sometimes lemons are turned into the best lemonade.
I remember a situation almost exactly like this with my ex. I blew up to, called him everything under the sun and he was not very pleasant either. Its a really stressful situation to be faced with the consequences of your family life like that. Kids live what their living. Dont be hard on yourself like others here have said, you are trying hard to change your way of thinking and slips can be part of the process, if you can call it a slip.
I had to accept that my relationship with my ex was unhealthy in so many ways and at so many levels that of course my kids have been affected, it showed in different ways with each of my three kids. My youngest sons schooling suffered too. For me losing the desire to go back was a very good thing, I started to let go and concentrate on my recovery, this in turn changed things for my kids. While hes in the background texting and upsetting you, you have lost sight of your own needs and recovery. Why do you think you want to go back? Do you think it will be different? Is he in recovery himself? Are you both in the process of changing the things you can? Unless he is working on it the way you are, you would be going back to the same old same old, nothing changes unless if nothing changes.x
At times like this I love the alanon phrase 'keep it simple'.