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So...9 years ago my husband had an affair after spending over a year deployed and being diagnosed with PTSD. Me being the dutiful enabler (I wasn't in al-anon at the time) not only stood by him, but made excuses why it wasn't his fault. I harbored hurt and resentment at him somewhat, but nothing compared to what I was ready to dish out to the other woman. As I have started working the program I have learned I has to let that go, cause the only person still affected by the whole ordeal was me! About a month ago, I decided to write an amends to this woman and free both of us from the control she had over my life. Fast forward to today. I get get a paranoid, accusational text from my husband about accessing his account and changing things. I spend most of the day trying to decipher his coded messages to no avail. I don't know what he is accusing me of and say as much...this makes me a liar. I finally decided it has to be about this amends and tell him it's none of his business, it was mine to let go of. Well, turns out, he was accusing me of deleting his twitter porn . This is a ridiculous mess between two educated people for crying out loud!
So anyway moving past the twitter drama, he now wants to play the victim in this whole affair/amends mess (That was none of his business to begin with). He is now pouting and acting like a complete child basically saying our whole marriage is a lie. Bottom line, his feeling are hurt because I "haven't trusted him all these years." So, as he always does when thing get difficult, he is shutting down and refusing to talk. "He needs time." The plan is we are going to has it all out tomorrow. The emotional reactive me wants to lay it all out for him and tell him where to shove his feelings, but the adult who working really hard to remember the Serenity Prayer right now wonders if I should just do an amends and move on. I love my husband, he is a good husband and father when he is not being selfish and sel-centered, but this one is really getting to me.
Hello. Welcome to MIP. Sometimes, when something is a ridiculous mess, its better for me if I just let the dust settle, talk things over with my HP and my sponsor, and wait for clarity and guidance on the next step to take. I don't know if that will work for you, but it does work for me.
This is a diffucult situation. Remember that making amends is meant to clear your inner being of residual anger and resentment and to set yourself free. It does not matter if the other people accept the amend nor really understand the meaning. This is a discussion and you do not have to convince him you are RIGHT you merely have to state your side and stay in your own hula hoop without accusing him or justifying your actions.
I like how you noted that "He is a good man, husband and father" and I would not forget to tell him so.
During the discussion please remember the tools we use at alanon meetings. No cross talk, keep an open mind. Listen to Learn what he is actually saying and remember not to defend yourself but present your side and respond by validating your decision, with honesty , clarity and understanding.
I like how you noted that "He is a good man" and I would not neglect that fact and would tell him so at some point in the discussion.
How you talk to him and what alanon tools you pull out of your tool box would depend on if he's an active drinker still and/or how steeped he is in his addiction. I am more up front with alcoholics in recovery because they have a program to learn to cope with the truth. They are also starting to be adept at owning their own part just like alanon teaches us. Prior to them being in recovery, an A is not going to listen, process, or hear any of their part in things because they are too emotionally busted. Prayers and good luck!
I, too, will get clarity first before I make any decisions on dealing with explosive situations. Know that he was triggered and you, too, are being triggered. Spend some time in focusing on your stuff (in meetings, with a sponsor, on this board, meditating, etc), so you are not so reactive to his stuff. I understand the desire to let him have it, believe me, I so understand.
Hi, you have some good progress there,its amazing how easy it becomes to recognize this program in others. I dont really get what amends you owe him over this. I would be tempted to leave him to his wee pity party and let him work through it. Unless you have worked out that there are real amends to make then this is his own issue to work through and I wouldnt go near it. If hes playing the baby role then I would in no way take the Mummy role because he will keep that up. Glad your here, hope you stick around.
I got so sick of those stupid arguments , and today I refuse to apologize for something I didn't' do, if you didn't delete his twitter program why apologize ? as to the trusting issue well trust is earned , an affair and porn sites for me would not qualify for complete trust . just my opinion . Louise
Unless there are other details you are leaving out(that's ok of course) I see nothing for you to apologize for. An amends is a way for us to atone and let go of something we did to harm someone else, but that doesn't include someone getting their own selves bent out of shape for reasons we have no control over and make no sense to us. We are not responsible for that. He sounds very much into his addiction, (porn or something else, if not alcohol). This business of him accusing you of deleting an account you have had no contact with is akin to him accusing you of hiding a bottle he hid and now cannot find. As someone else said, I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you all for your responses. I have decided not to discuss the issue with him other than to state the facts. I do not feel an amends would be appropriate since I perpetrated no wrong. While he will not admit how ridiculous he is being, I suspect after some reflection he realizes he behaved like a child because of his overall demeanor today.
Just as an FYI, I have been working the program for 1 year. He has been in AA for about that long with a sobriety date of Jan 19. I have had a sponsor, but it wasn't working out, so we needed to part ways. I have visited this site before, but never registered until last night. I am excited to become a regular member. Thanks again!
Glad you're here, Alex. Making the decision to drop your end of the rope and to use some of that energy you saved joining MIP - smart move, sister. Keep coming back.
. This is a ridiculous mess between two educated people for crying out loud! 