Relating to Bettina's honesty - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Relating to Bettina's honesty

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand your torment. I had an affair while married to my first husband...this affair was with a man I worked with. He was a minister and an addiction counselor (interesting, huh?). At the time, it gave me the attention and, honestly, the sex I was missing in my marriage. I understand why I did what I did, and if the temptation ever arises again, I will know I am missing some essential ingredients in my life (not another man smile ). Thankfully, I have more wisdom and better tools and I don't ever want to make this kind of an amend to ANYONE. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty in your sharing.

Beatrice · Senior Member

I love Dogs,

I don't think his intentions are friendship based...more sexually based. He does sound like there maybe a player lurking. I don't want to judge.

Any decisions we make in our lives, know that we take the responsibility and the consequences. I don't believe in a right or a wrong. Just learning
lessons, we learn from everyone that comes into our life. The reason for not going thru with anything with him , is your heart ready for any hurt
he may or may not leave on it.

Life is an adventure, we have to live it. We decide, we make the rules for ourselves.

Just be up for any challenge that may come your way.

Thanks for your share
Bettina

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

This is how I determine thier intentions. The same way the relationship begins will be the same way it ends.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Truth,
I believe that life always has the potential to change and we cannot determine what will happen.

hugs, Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It appears, ILD, that you are asking for prayers that your will be done in his going to VA? Can you simply tell him that spending time with him face to face doesn't feel right to you at the present time? I've learned that saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean for my sake and simply works a whole lot better for me in the long run. It's not about him as much as it is about you. You know you're vulnerable. You know what is missing in your marriage. You don't you don't want to have an affair. Maybe this is just another opportunity for you to take care of yourself in a way that helps you remain true to yourself? I have had very good friends who are male. Some are married. Some are unmarried. If there is another gal involved - I make sure she knows I'm on the up and up. If I am involved with an SO, I make sure they know where I stand in relationship to them and to the other person. I've made some mistakes in my own life when it comes to "gray area" things, so of course, there is no judgment here. Staying true to my own values, needs and wants has been helpful to me in keeping my life simpler and more manageable. Fantasy - like fear - isn't real. And acting on fantasy - just like acting on fear - can blow up in our faces in ways we seldom see coming. For what its worth, take what you like and leave the rest, sister.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Agreed to a certain extent. I try to balance that with what I am seeing today. Will I be happy if this exact same scenario went on in my relationship? If my answer is NO then I should move on.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

That is just me though. I think we all make our choices for our own reasons.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

As for what Grateful said, yes I may just do that. He is very good friends with my sister and is even planning on possibly visiting my parents in VA when he goes back. In other words, he's a family friend so him wanting to see me when I go to CO is not out of the ordinary because we'd do something as a group with my sister, her boyfriend, and the kids. I think it's an issue with where I'm at in my marriage and with what I'm looking for in my life. Anyway, that's kind of where my prayer comes in.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, I see. My interpretation of your meaning was different than your meaning. I saw that you were asking for prayer for him to be in Virginia when you were in Colorado because you weren't feeling good about spending any face to face time with him? Even on the third read through that's what I was and am seeing. E-mails and message boards do have their drawbacks. I'll just pray for blessings for you all.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I tend to agree with what Truth has pointed out .. I have a favorite Bahia saying and that is you can't build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness .. what that means to me is a relationship that starts out with some kind of dishonesty, deceit regardless of the intension usually will bring pain and sorrow. What is the foundation? We are all adults and responsible for our choices. Causing someone else pain .. I don't know .. it sits wrong for me.

Why can't people leave a relationship first and THEN start another one? What is wrong regardless if one or both of the spouses are addicts with allowing each party to leave with dignity and grace?

I guess this is a subject that is raw for me because I was cheated on and it hurts .. I would have he ended our relationship first and move on vs pulling what he did .. it hurt worse and I felt humiliated by how disrespected I felt and was treated. If nothing else .. I am the mother of his children and just for that fact alone I deserve to be respected enough to end our relationship first.

People are going to do what they are going to do .. trying to fill my God size hole with someone else just never has worked out for me and I wind up in a relationship of need.

Hugs S :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ild, I think your own instincts are right, its about your unhappy marriage more than anything. My suggestion would be working hard on you, giving yourself that love care and attention that we all need and then you wont be tempted to look outside yourself to have your emotional needs met. Im not very experienced in this kind of situation to be honest. Ive been on my own for a while now, completely seperate from my ex for over a year now and im working on me, until im happy with me Im not ready to let anyone in. Im not sure if this is healthy tbh or is this fear based? Dont really know. Thanks for sharing, I love these open and honest shares, takes courage and trust, brings us all closer.x

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I understand your torment. I had an affair while married to my first husband...this affair was with a man I worked with. He was a minister and an addiction counselor (interesting, huh?). At the time, it gave me the attention and, honestly, the sex I was missing in my marriage. I understand why I did what I did, and if the temptation ever arises again, I will know I am missing some essential ingredients in my life (not another man). Thankfully, I have more wisdom and better tools and I don't ever want to make this kind of an amend to ANYONE. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty in your sharing.

yea, i understand the torment too...my first AH, cold hearted husband would "punish" me by withholding affection and attention...I dam near cheated on him TWICE....the first was an old boyfriend i ran into, I was starved for love and attention and "J" and I talked and talked at this eatery we both frequented and we smooched by my car....God it tasted so good to have someone want to hold/kiss me just b/c it was ME...then I go to another eatery with a g.f. and i was done w/ AH #1 but not moved out...looking for my own place and i meet this yummy dentist who really wanted me too..he wanted to pay my way to get out of there...the open, honest , sincere convo we had was so refreshing, i let him walk me and my g.f. to our car and yea, i let him kiss me goodnight...i also told him that i had to get out on my own..no man helping me and thus i am "obligated" and put in that position..he understood...i was so love starved and it wasn't jsut physical love i was being deprived of it was communication, honesty, being able to talk/share/relate/bond in an intellectual way as well.....he deprived me of the physical AND the mental/emotional/spiritual love as well...so yea, i traded kisses w/two guys....not right but understandable....now i would get out of a relationship instead of trying to resuscitate a dead body...when the relationship is dead , it is dead...time to get out.....cheating is not my "thing" i would want to do....and kissing is in a way cheating....especially when you feel desire for one other than ones husband which i did..that dentist lit a fire under me that could have given warmth to an entire siberian town.... .....oh yea!!!!! biggrin biggrin now, i hope i am healthy enoguh to find someone who can have an equal, healthy, loving, trusting, sharing, mutual relationship AND be best friends and faithful, loving lovers as well...............dream on Neshema biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

for me I am very Bible based so have to be careful here.

You know him, and are seeing now what a non A could be like. Or an A living a recovery program.

I believe you know one is kind to leave one relationship before they get into a more serious one with a friend.

Its very nice to have a manfriend. i had mine for ten years. then he wanted more... but situation was different.

I am happy for you. Love is so precious, and if something did feel right, how wonderful. You have been giving and working on your marriage so hard for so long.

Myself I see nothing wrong with keeping it a time to explore how you guys are as friends. AS that is the number one thing in a relationship.I have seen people leave one marriage to go to a nother fast and they are super happy and have been for years.

it just seems like if people click they do.

I won't be negative about this. it is up to you, you are there, you are a smart woman, strong woman.

thanks for sharing this. I am so glad I see more people letting it all hang out! '

hugs, debilyn

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