Well here goes...when I was in my senior year of HS, I met a boy I fell so in love with, we really loved eachother, we had the greatest time.

We both had music in common and both won outstanding Music awards in our senior year. My singing career was going well and I had just signed a

deal to do 3 musicals at Santa Monica Civic light opera. I had finished doing the Joey Bishop show and Art Linkletter House Party. (I'm not bragging) Its just part

of the story. I had been singing professionally since I was Ten and was more on the stage then in real life. Of course my Mom thought I had talent and pushed me toward

this goal. My Dad was neutral. A musician himself. but with a day job...lol.

My parents were just not suited for each other, her being from Italy and leaving the love of her life to marry my Dad and come to America after WW 2, pushed by her parents who had 8 mouths to feed and it being after the war and Italy was destroyed. My parents argued every day of their marriage and my Mom had regrets about not marrying the love of her life. and she was very vocal about it, especially to me Anyway when my singing career started taking off, my Mom would threaten my Dad to leave him, when I really hit it big, by this time I was 17 and graduating HS , this was in June/63. I felt the burden of my keeping my parents marriage together. I still very much loved my boyfriend, he was a rock.

That July the whole family traveled to Boston, as my Dad had always said he wanted us to meet the other side of the family and to see where he was from. I met a handsome family

friend, invited me to dinner. He kissed me goodnite,(he didn't know how to kiss by the way) Went out on another date, I liked his company, he was 3 years older than me. Told me he was in the secret service...lol.. right. Well, we were ready to go back to California and he told me he loved me, I told him I had a boyfriend in California, he said he would not date anyone and that he would love me enough for both...I said, yeah but I will see my boyfriend. When I came back to California, he wrote me all the time and would call me on Sunday's. I told my boyfriend about him and we still continued to see each other all the time. The Boston boy, said he was coming out in april, that's nine months of writing and calling me. I was interested.

He was devastatingly handsome. He came out in April, we got engaged in May, he put a ring on it. and his family knew my family for years. He was Italian and Catholic like me.

My boyfriend was devastated. I was feeling the pressure of my Mother and their fights every day and me being used as the pawn. I was young. My dad told me you cannot get married, engaged, but not married, yet. The Boston boy was getting frustrated because he failed his California hairdressing license test. Said he was going back to Boston....I told him, so you come to California, get engaged to me and then leave, so I gave him back the ring. I was already seeing him as an escape with this constant pressure from my Mother. He decided to visit his uncle up North before he went back and he called me from every bus stop to come with him. Long story short he wore me down, I ran away from home, went to Boston and we married 6 months later. I lived with his aunt downstairs, but they were not strangers to me. I got a job. But would pray that my boyfriend would come and rescue me. I never thought to pick up the phone, cause that would prove me wrong. I went thru with the marriage thinking, it doesn't have to be forever. 6 months later, after arguing every day, knowing I made a big mistake, his Mother was an Italian witch, who had all those statues of the saints in her house., It was a strange house. I told the hubby, I'm going back to California, he begged me not to go, I told him you can come if you want but I cant guarantee anything.

A couple of trips back and forth and really missing my boyfriend . I hadn't seen him. Got married in 65, I wanted to leave this liar, of course he was not in the CIA and his sexuality was questionable. He was not in the service at all, he was discharged. I wanted to leave him, but I was raised to be a good Catholic girl.But being had no example of what a good marriage was, I had to go out and create my parents marriage. I couldn't stand this man. I had my daughter, and we made the last trip to California, where I swear I would not leave again.

He opened up a salon and we rented a home in my old town where I grew up and went to look for my old boyfriend.  That was my motivation, with my daughter in hand, I went to his

best friends home and told him, please contact......, I need to talk to him. I wanted to surrender to him and hope he would take my baby too. This was 67, Why.....he is in boot camp ready to go to Viet Nam. I was crushed. And devastated to think he was in Viet Nam. I stayed married to my daughters dad for 7 years, and when we divorced, he snatched my daughter and took her all around the world away from me, I searched for years...didn't find her till she was 12, she was 6,when he took her, and not united really till she was 25,  he was a pedophile,that's another story for another time. I married again, we had a son that died from a birth defect, we couldn't comfort each other, divorced, he since passsed away,  then the alcoholic came into my life, 1982, he was another handsome man, with charisma, his alcoholic life was progressing, I don't have to tell you what that was like, by 1989 things were not good, I had joined Alanon in 85.

1989, I get a call , out of the blue from my old HS boyfriend, he wants to go to lunch. We meet for lunch, that old strong pull was there and I realized I still loved him.

He is not married, but I am, unhappily. He is still kind of angry with me, but I can tell he wants more. I see my mistake and how I blew it, this kind, intelligent, level headed man before

me. Compared to the wild,  devastatingly handsome Latino man , who had a drinking problem at home. I wanted to drive off with my old boyfriend and never look back.

My old boyfriend and I kept in steady contact with each other, I didn't tell him anything about my marriage. My marriage started to blow up in 94 and we separated. My old boyfriend announced he had married. Again, crushed. I guess he couldn't wait any longer for me.

The A was begging for me to come back, so I did and much deeper into Alanon I would go. I also became a Buddhist in 85. My path of lessons were piling up.

Well, life with the A continued, ups and downs, health issues, roller coaster ride, you know, I don't have to explain, we finally separated in 2006. I set my boundaries, we remained

friends, till he passed away last July of organ failure. I was devastated, I never though it would happen. 2 years ago I went to caretake my Mom, during this time the A

passed. July/2013 and guess who I get a call from...my old boyfriend, You see our 50 year reunion was coming up in Oct., wanted to know if I was going. Told him I wasn't planning on it. My X had just passed. He said he wanted to see me and If I would go, he would go. I told him I would think about it.  But I really did want to see him.

I decided to go and there it was that nite in Oct., I had never stopped thinking about him, almost every day of my life for the last 50 years, here's the hitch, he is still married..

We had a great nite, laughed enjoyed each other's company, like we had just seen each other the day before, we kissed each other goodnite, not knowing when we would see each

other again. We continued to keep in touch, talking for hours about anything and everything, never had this intimacy in all my marriages. We had one lunch date, we went for a drive near the beach. He told me he had, guess what, a drinking problem,  that he loved me all these years, for 50 years, he never got over me leaving. I couldn't deny my feelings either. To tell you the truth I never believed in Love. I had some degree of love, but not what I feel for him. He got this idea that maybe we should try and help each other to heal and for him to really forgive me.

I guess his wife was sick of his drinking and kicked him out on a Sunday, there were other issues also. If I'm going to tell this story and get a response from you, I have to be honest and brutally honest, even if you judge me. I can take it, as I am responsible for my actions and consequences. But he called me from that old broken down hotel to come to see him.

Of course I went. He was drinking, but not drunk, drunk. We had some moments, but I could see the situation, but we couldn't deny our feelings., I came back the next nite, but this time with the"Under the Influence" book, I started to read from it, but could tell he wasn't listening, in my heart I couldn't believe that we were united in this way. The love and compassion I felt was overwhelming, he fell asleep, I left the book and went home.

He called the next day and told me I was his hero, that he picked up the book and started reading it and was so uninformed about his disease. He said that he would be ready in a week to the VA and start counseling and was going to stop. That was the end of January and he has been sober, we haven't seen each other since then, but we continued to talk , send music to each other. He finished the book, he gave it to his wife. She is not in Alanon and didn't bother to read the book. He says his marriage has been in neutral for years, but that's for them to figure out. He tells me she drinks two drinks every day and is a smoker. but doesn't think she is an alcoholic. He is not a full blown alcoholic, but he was on his way.

He told me, I don't want anything to go unsaid between us. He will not see me, as he decided to honor his marriage, but does not want to be married. He is a man of duty and service.

I understand that, just because people love one another, doesn't mean it has to be acted upon, but notice we both didn't pass up the opportunity. Not after 50 years, but oh what discoveries we found.  I have learned a lot from this journey.

Love is not possessive , we don't own people. Love is just what it is. As simple as that. He said that he thinks one day we will be together. I hope he stays on his path to sobriety.

I have learned that there are degrees of love and that love and forgiveness is important. I have seen that as one person goes, that means that someone else will appear.

Love is powerful and most people do not marry their partner out of love or do they marry their first loves. Because we have to learn the lessons along the way.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Like the famous Paolo Coehlo says: Love either consigns us to hell or paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.

Sorry this is so long. What do you think?

Bettina (I have been wanting to write this for a while ,now was the time)

-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 27th of May 2014 08:41:00 PM

-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 27th of May 2014 08:46:29 PM