The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel trapped...I know I am new here but I am really in a bad way right now. I have lived with this for so long now. I feel like i am in a position where I am unable to leave and that makes this worse. I have been living in Arkansas for about 7 years now...i have no family here and very few friends and of those that i do have are not close friends. I want to be where i am because i have a TBI child and am not working for a place that deals with TBI and they have helped me so much with him. he is now doing well in school and i feel like if i leave i have to begin again...which makes me angry...my oldest is in ROTC and just became a commander as a sophmore which is almost unheard of and if i pull him now everything He has worked for is gone too...I am having difficulty with how much damage is being done either way...to stay or go...I know no one can make that decision for me but I feel responsible for my children and want them to have things..i know all of that will be yanked from them if i leave. people tell me i can make it on my own and i know i can but i dont want my children to suffer. It will be Very hard on us without that second income. anyway, I just feel so trapped that i am depressed and not speaking to anyone least of all him...which does not make things better, but i dont want to fight with him, im so exhausted of it. if i say anything he is blaming me or trying to make me feel guilty in some way...if i dont say anything he is trying to bait me into talking. I feel like there is no point in even bothering to talk to him anymore...it will do NO good....he will not stop and we will argue...and as i said im so tired of it. I have to take medications for the constant anxiety over everything. I tried to get away this weekend and he spent the whole time i was gone texting me and trying to make me feel guilty for spending money. I just cannot win and i feel myself getting more and more depressed. I am reading all the "quotes" and they are good but how do you put those into motion in the moment...how do you get past the guilt for staying when you know it is having an effect on your children...most days hes not a bad dad and so i tell myself it is ok and let down my guard and then it happens again, stumbling around the house and falling into things...i just am so lost...I dont want to divorce, I want him, but not like this, I dont want my kids to suffer, but are they anyway, i dont want to leave the great job i have and the life ive tried to make here....
Dear Abba,
I hear you and so understand. I too felt "trapped" when I first entered the rooms. Meetings, the Slogans, the Steps, a Sponsor all helped me to see that I did have choices and was not really trapped. My problem was that I did not "Like" my choices and felt I was between a rock and a hard place.
It was suggested that I make no major life changes for the first year in program and that I learn to "keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, not project to the future or live in the past and develop a faith in a power greater than myself.
After attending meetings and doing all I was asked It became apparent what actions I needed to take and I did
Yes you are worth it. I too find this all very difficult to put into practical use " in the moment" , but slowly but surely I am getting stinger and you will to. Having a disabled child is hard no matter what... So sorry you are dealing with this and sounds like...alone... For the most part. I will pray for you.....my experience, is little, but my hope is full....prayers I have for you, tanya
I hope you have been able to get to a F2F meeting. Also, getting some literature - How Alanon Works is a great read on how Alanon and alcoholism work, Courage To Change is a great daily reader.
Keep coming back here as well. There are many people who have or have had similar circumstances and can give Experience Strength and Hope.
It will take time. It took time to get to where you are now, it will take time to get back out of it. But you can do it - just keep going one day at a time. Sometimes it's one hour at a time. When I started coming here a lot, and went to F2F meetings, my head started to clear and I was able to make those decisions. Depression and exhaustion from living with an active A will make you feel like you have no choices, but when your head gets cleared you will realize you do have choices.
Good for you in attending the online meeting....we always have choices, even when it seems like we are trapped. As Betty said, we don't always like our choices, but they are ours. Keep coming back
Do this also Abba...find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area in the white pages of your local telephone book and get up the courage to get to a face to face meeting where you can see and touch others who are going thru what you are going thru. Of course on line also and the board and the meetings are real. The rooms can provide friendship and mutual relationships. Also in program when I was new they suggested that I not make any major decisions before at least 2 years of steady program. After a few months this made all the sense in the world to me as I began to understand how messed up my thinking and responses had become.
