The material presented
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Tough day for me. From the people staying with AH now, he skipped work today. He broke some beer bottle and probably step on them so this morning there were bloody footprint around the living room. As much as I want to ask him how he is, I did not because he might think hurting himself is the way to get my attention/hurt me.
The whole day was texts. About how I failed in my wifely duty, ... i replied only to say I will not respond to abusive texts. Then he called and I repeated I will not talk when you drink. He is texting "I hate you, ..." This makes me almost want to laugh. It is so much like a child throwing tantrum.
I feel that it is the struggle for As because when we leave, they are left to face their issues. They know they are at a T junction. Their alcoholic selves are screaming left while their conscious selves say right. So they hate the person who do not enable them anymore. they hate the person who threw them under the bus (so they think).
I am glad I did not ask him how he is. Based on past experience, he will just abuse the concern. i can only make myself better. I cannot make him better.
My AW hurt herself in many ways, none of them were consciously manipulative, but it wouldn't have surprised me if some of them had been. She put a big gash in her leg stepping into a plastic tote, fell over into large objects that sometimes broke her fall and other times just broke, half the time afterward she would be mad at me because she would be befuddled. other times just terribly upset because she couldn't remember what had happened.
But after awhile I learned to just state the facts. Not say something like "Really? You were drunk off your butt and you are surprised you have a gash on your leg?" More like "you fell through a plastic tote. I threw it away because it's trash now". Anything beyond that was JADE and would turn into pointless circular arguing. Just walk away when she would somehow insinuate it was my fault, I knew whose fault it was because I was sober.
Your post says so much to me sunshine, awareness of the reality of the disease and how it will try hard to tap into your guilt, your sympathy and gets angry when it doesnt work. Its so good that you can clearly see what is going on here and you have not bought into it which is good for you and him. He gets to build some coping skills, painful but there like growing pains. I had to do this with my son, alanon calls it , detaching with love, it was brilliant, I got to say no in a calm clear voice, sorry but no, very powerful and like any child or child like person, it didnt take too long before the message sunk in, he hardly ever tries it on anymore and he looks for his own answers much more today. Keep going, you are doing brilliant, detach with love, let him feel his own pain and he might actually get better.x
I would like to give you a huge pat on the back for your awareness and sticking to your boundaries. You showed a lot of grace under fire. Your post is inspiring. Yeah, I broke up from a relationship with an alcoholic I was with for a long time, but we were not married and he was not quite as malicious and far gone... I don't know if I would have been able to handle what you did so well. Keep it up. I know it's not easy.
Yup .. the ESH you have received is truly priceless.
I'm dealing with the issue myself and mine decided to get on his pity pot about how he helps everyone and no one helps him .. I was not as graceful as you have been I lost it.
I was good .. it is hard not to take the bait .. congrats on not buying into what he's selling :)
Big hugs sending love and support, hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks all. Now I feel great. I do not know about later but I am enjoying this moment now. I need to understand that I do not have just 2 kids but 1 big kid that is a bully, wants the cake and also wants to eat it. He "wants" the family on his own terms. I can only pray he cannot stand even himself that he will choose recovery.
