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Ok .. so I'm kind of working this out in my head and I guess I just need some validation for what I think I should do and what I want to do which is always a big jump .. I want to burn that dam truck .. I know I shouldn't .. LOL.
So as I've posted it was a wild weekend in terms of the insanity that my STBAX THINKS he can and should do which makes me want to itch and tell him exactly what he can and can't do which partly involves jumping into hell and not coming back. Then I figure he's already there .. how much further can he go. I'm sure a lot however he can go there on his own and doesn't need any help from me.
My daughter accidently butt dialed me which leads me to know of a conversation that took place that he seriously has NO business having .. things about schooling, church and plans for this summer. He signed those rights away .. now he's more than welcome to have an opinion however .. seriously speaking he is to discuss those things with ME .. not with the kids. He has a right to ask them about these things I get that part of the deal .. however he has NO right to influence them in terms of what kind of church they go to .. where they go to school OR even what they do during the week while I am at work. Again .. he signed those rights away and hasn't been interested in 3 years .. he is not going to cause issues for me in that regard.
The other big issue is WHAT am I doing when they are not home .. that is the one that has really just crawled up my butt and kind of stuck there. I am considering laying a boundary down about when he has the kids he's not to text me unless there is an emergency and I'm going to stick to just that .. I'll reword it nicer .. seriously I don't care what kind of money he's spending. He had to text ME because the last time he whined that was when my daughter let loose on him and was very clear she really didn't care what he was going through financially .. that was so NOT her or her brother's issue. She let him know that big time.
He also quizzed my daughter about if I told her about what he said regarding the clothes deal and kind of insinuated that I hid things from them and she did set him straight about that and pretty much nicely said no dad, .. mom isn't the one who hides things. That did shut the conversation down .. and my daughter can pull those kinds of comments off and make you feel like you are having tea with the queen .. lol. She is very gifted verbally in the art of being diplomatic (which is why her melt down was such a shock).
He's def trying to tell me about ALL this money he's spending on the kids because this is ALL about tax time. I claimed both of the kids and there is nothing he can do as he didn't provide them more than 50% of their financial well being last year I did, even though he made more money. He would be hard pressed to prove any of it.
The idea that he's so interested now just kind of galls me to say the least and my hackles are up because my feelings of what is he up to NOW? LOL?
Anyway, I just need to stick to my side of the street and one of those things is that I have to remember I DO have the right to say please don't text me when you have the kids unless it's an emergency. My time is my time. Thank you. :)
The other issues I will deal with IF they come up again .. I don't doubt that they will .. I will deal with it at that point.
OMGOSH .. did I mention the two cop cars that were in the parking lot when he brought the kids home? I guess the kids said his eyeballs were about out of his head .. LOL .. I know mean .. however I did laugh over that one .. I wonder if he got the message about the crazy texting that way?
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
There is a more diplomatic way to talk about the texting which is that you'd prefer he not text you during visits unless it's an emergency because it's HIS time with the kids to enjoy, not be texting you over things that can be resolved later and also that you believe he can parent on his own (even if you don't' fully believe it) without needing to communicate with you about things every time he's around the kids. The whole "my time" thing...your kids don't need to hear that....which they will. They will think they are a burden to you if you need "me time" so bad you can't accept a text when they are away.
I'm also sure that he feels you talk about what he's doing and not doing with the kids when they are not with him but he doesn't understand that there are long, documented problems with his conduct and they are hard to not talk about. So he probably figures "well she talks about me, makes me into the bad guy and even has my kids in therapy telling them it's because of how evil I am...blah blah blah!" Also, I am betting he feels like a loser somewhat and is looking for any leverage to feel better or to sling some of the crap he is sitting in your way so it doesn't smell so bad all around him (figuratively speaking).
That's what I needed to hear because that's what I'm having a hard time with .. the kids know they aren't a burden .. they also know I have a right to some alone time considering the fact their dad only sees them 2x out of the month. Actually both of them say how much better I am as a parent when they DO go and see their dad. I'm rested and relaxed .. well yes .. everyone needs to have fun alone and with their family.
This is a subject that has come up in therapy and this last weekend I DID insist they see him only because my daughter is using it as a way to hide from what happened the last visitation and sorry we don't do that in this house. We face, own and process our individual behavior and figure out a way to be more productive. I am trying to teach the kids not to dwell in the past however it's important to acknowledge that there is always a better way until there is not. As long as they do their best it's all good.
I like your wording and I will pray some more on how to carry through in a more diplomatic fashion .. it's hard with him to say the least. Saying I trust his parenting would be a lie .. LOL .. however maybe I can tweak those words to mean what I say and not say it mean.
There is NO doubt he feels like a looser and needs to fling poop .. that's one of the reasons I have chosen not to respond to him this weekend .. I figure it will be better waiting until I feel less frustrated .. that is a nice thing about texting .. I can wait until I feel ready.
Thanks and hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yeah...I was trying to get more at "You need to make decisions and do your parenting without constantly checking in." Like step up and just be a dad. Bad wording on my part. I was thinking if you said something along those lines he'd see that his constant texting is making it look like he is clueless about parenting rather than what he is intending which is just to annoy you and make silly, unnecessary, resentful remarks about how much money he's spending. That maybe would hit him in the giant ego and he might stop. Dunno.
Well, .. I kind of blew it and not .. LOL .. I am very frustrated with the cat situation. I'm out of options and I get texts today about what am I going to do about the cat, come get her and so on. He wants NO responsibility of the consequence of his choices and NO .. I'm not surprised .. lol .. he's doing what alcoholics do.
I sent a humdinger of a text. His wording about he always helps and I never help him pushed me up and over the top .. although I will say in all fairness .. I was very calm about the text and I only sent one. I told him I feel awful about the situation with the cat. I also called him out and told him he had no place to preach to me about helping .. over the last 2 1/2 years I have done above and beyond, his accident, his behavior, broken face, broken hand. How he doesn't ever take into consideration how his actions affect other people .. it is NOT just about him. How his choices STILL hurt the kids and I. I explained how much it cost me to get our old lady over here, how it's going to cost me over the next few months. My food benefits being cut. When he has the kids, he's got the time to text me about money? I thank God everyday we do ok. Why did he take the cats if he knew he was moving home? How did that help me? I am completely baffled .. this is NOT just about HIM and it never has been. I wanted to work with him on the issue instead he waited for me to fix it. I'm at wits end and I'm open to suggestions.
Of course I haven't heard back from him. LOL .. I doubt that I will. I have NOTHING else to say about the situation. I have done everything I can .. I'm just so frustrated that he doesn't get it and because he's basically active .. he won't get it.
So poor kitty is probably going to the kill shelter .. I'm heartbroken .. I'm completely out of ideas. I have been telling him that since April 30th in terms of what do you suggest? He can't .. I know he can't and I no longer fix things for him.
Sigh .. it is what it is .. I'm sorry for him. Thanks for being here,
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
