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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been watching episodes of a British TV show called "The Hoarder Next Door." It's on YouTube. It's very good in examining how people came to be hoarders (often losses in early life, coupled with becoming attached to objects as comfort). But the part that's most mind-boggling is the denial that the hoarders are in. They'll have things piled up to the ceiling in every room so that they have to climb over them, and they'll say things like, "I just need to rearrange these things and then it will all fit in." "It's just got in a muddle." And they agree to "rearrange" it, but when they're urged to start, they say they'll start later. And the series shows their characters and histories enough so you realize that many of them are truly wonderful, remarkable people - with a big problem.
So their ability to deny what's right in front of them got me thinking. I could see that there are common patterns in how hoarders and alcoholics/addicts deny things. "No, no, it's not really a big problem -- I just need to do a few things and it will be totally under control." "It's really fine, you know - in fact I need it to be this way. I'm actually doing this for a very good reason." "It all started when X happened - that was the only part that went wrong - see, it was someone else's fault. If there's anything that's gone wrong about this, it's not my fault." "I'll work on this, but just not yet. I need to wait for the exact right time."
So I was thinking smugly of how much these things were my A's excuses ... and then it occurred to me that they're my excuses. They're how I operated for years and years. They're how I still operate unless I stay vigilant. We all have similar ways of dodging reality.
Another thing that struck me is how the hoarders got used to their situation so gradually. It was always years and years they'd be on the path. They lost sight of what it was like to live in a normal home. I know that is exactly what happened to me with my A. I was accepting behavior that I never would have accepted at the beginning. And I was accepting behavior from myself that I never would have accepted at the beginning.
It was also interesting to see what remarkable and kind people the hoarders were. The fact that they had a problem didn't mean they weren't wonderful people. Their choices had just closed in on them and they got stuck. Then denying the problem kept them stuck.
So this is a reminder to me that someone looking at some of my choices might have the same reaction as someone watching the TV show -- "Why doesn't she do something about that? Doesn't she realize how things have gone off the rails?" Very motivating!
I knew a man once who was a good and kind person (and had also had a heavy drinking problem before I met him). He had a habit of asking questions that put people completely off. Folks would leave meetings gossiping among themselves about what a pain he was and no one ever asked him why the questions were important to him or what it was he was seeking. At some point in our friendship, he joined the seminary while still holding down a fulltime job. When it came time for him to take Greek and Hebrew, he was tested because he couldn't seem to get the material. The testers told him that he was ADD and ADHD. What??!!!! I have 2 degrees! This is my third degree! Well, said the testers, you learned to compensate for the learning disability by asking questions.
I felt sick inside because even though I hadn't ever confronted him on it or gossiped about it, I, too, found his questions to be irritating and sometimes just downright rude. When I learned what he shared with me, I learned a lesson I don't think I could have learned any other way.
It bothers me if I put down As because I simply don't know everything there is to know about them and I find myself wondering at times if 20 years from now everything we believe about alcoholism and about how to interact with As will be null and void. I guess keeping the focus on myself as you are doing, Mattie, is the safest place to be with others who also know they have a lot of rough edges that need to be rounded out, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of May 2014 09:07:45 PM
I am an alcoholic and had every excuse in the book at one time. Over 5 and a half years in the program (mostly AA, but some alanon), I left a relationship with another alcoholic, quit drinking, quit smoking, lost 60 pounds, went back to school, got licensed and certified, almost doubled my salary, and am getting married next month. Didn't dream even one of the things would happen when I was drinking...All I did was make excuses and self sabotage. Once I started living in the solution, really worked the steps with a sponsor, did service, my whole life changed. Not everyone relapses, is a dry drunk, or stays stuck forever. I made all those excuses for so long. Not sure why I hit a bottom and climbed up when others don't, but know I can't feed myself bs excuses like I used to. I get frustrated by alcoholics that can't get out of that rut or wont. But then I think maybe I was just blessed and I should help them instead because their bottom might be now and I would love to be part of their miracle too if they let it happen and do the work. That happens sometimes both here and in AA. Miracles in progress.
Today is a particularly difficult day. I apologized to AH yesterday and somehow it was great one moment and the next, the floodgate of hurtful texts started coming. How I did not fulfil my duty as a wife, how it justify him looking for a prostitute, how I caused it, ... Started last night and I calmly said will not reply to abusive texts and ignored the phone for the rest of the nights. This morning, many texts were waiting for me and the same old. I was so tempted to lash out at him. I had the perfect reason. He started it after all. I have the right to be angry.
Then I decided to read the board and this came up. It is a reminder for me that I should not lashed out at him under the pretext of making him see. I cannot make him see. So I calmly replied again "I am not going to reply to texts that are meant to hurt me. Have a blessed day." He text once more the same old and nothing else. I will pray for my own serenity and his recovery now. Thanks everyone.
Sunshine, that was definitely a working program in action. You're working hard to keep your serenity and staying off the crazy train, so to speak. As Mattie said, we all have excuses and we have to stay vigilant in working our programs just as much as the alcoholics do, too.
AW and I went to a party that her sponsor was hosting over the weekend. I mentioned to her sponsor that the things I would accept from my wife just gradually got worse and worse one day at a time, until I didn't recognize AW or me any more. Once that revelation hit, we have both been getting better one day at a time. We went down that way, now we are having to come up that way.
Yeah, it would be amazing to listen to the conversations in my brain before I started in recovery. They were in my brain because I was too ashamed to talk to others about it. Full of exactly what you mentioned. Glad that's come to an end, and will continue to try to guard against it coming back.
Thanks for this mattie, ive seen that show advertised but I dont watch because they are upsetting to me, to see someones mental health problems bared for the world to see. Now you have described it this way I am going to watch it, ive never thought of denial in this way but that is so clear to me. I had this same self talk, denying mess exists and sweeping the problem under the carpet, pardon the pun. Gradually putting up with more and more until I lost touch with normality, I didnt know right from wrong in the end. I wonder if it comes from that same attahment disorder im sure I have to some degree, I cant let go of people very easily even when its clear they are not right for me and there is a problem, a hoarder just wears the denial on the outside a bit more but its all about not being able to let go I think. Very thought provoking, thanks.x
