The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really want to learn how to see the truth, not just put all the blame on him so that I can be free of the self pity and the victim role. When he drinks all the normalcy of our lives goes out the window. Everything becomes a monumental problem for which I am always to blame. Today we had to come to the realization that there is a carpentry ant problem in our home. We tried for three days to spray with store bought insecticides. I had to call an exterminator, but because he secretly was drinking this morning, the problem escalated into me being blamed for the ants, the fact that we are in this house, the expenses, always having to have my own way, the kind of person I am, etc. It just sometimes is so very hard, on a day to day basis, to say to myself it is the disease, not me, it's not his fault or mine, it is the disease's fault.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Blaming and shaming comes out of right/wrong thinking. As and AlAnonics aren't the only ones who engage in this abusive style of communicating. I have learned that utilizing JADE helps a lot and talking things over with my sponsor does, too. To me, as long as he kept you twisting in the wind over who is to blame for carpenter ants (I think I'd point to my HP on that one), the disease could keep everybody's focus off the disease. I learned with some folks who drink and try to deflect attention from the fact they are drinking just to say "I'll talk to you when you're sober." Then I hang up, leave the room, or ask them to leave depending on the situation and the location. Another way to deal with it if I can't leave the situation is to remind myself "Oh! That's just the disease talking." Then, I don't respond at all but I'm not angry or hurt either. Being angry at a disease or hurt by it is a painful way for me to live.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of May 2014 05:59:14 PM
JADE = You do not need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain!!! That is it!! Thank you, did not want to live in an angry way!!! Feel so relieved I want to cry. Thank you again.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((Debb))) I've also used humor in the situation: "Yes, you are right. It IS my fault there are ants, that birds sing in the trees, that living expenses are on the rise, and that the sun comes up in the morning but doesn't shine at night." Of course, that depends on the person and the time, but that has worked for me, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of May 2014 06:40:02 PM
{{SMILES}} Thank you grateful2be! I sometimes grow weary and need a reminder every so often. I have belonged to an Al Anon group for a few months last year and do carry so much of what I have learned with me. The struggle is always on going and sometimes I need a reminder of how to make those important changes in myself.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Keep coming back, Debb, and going to meetings, too. We have on-line meetings here if you can't go out. They're not the same as f2f meetings but they are a help! I'm so glad you found your own answer here and that you can smile, too. I so understand what you have shared and I am touched by your humility and willingness to learn your part in it and make the changes you are able to make for now.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of May 2014 07:42:16 PM
Dear Debb welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am pleased to see that you have attended Al-Anon meetings in the past and are aware of their location in your community. As you know alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. We who live with this disease develop negative coping mechanisms that are very destructive to our self-esteem and self-worth.
Some of the symptoms of alcoholism in both the alcoholic and in ourselves is that we blame others, use manipulation, anger, judgment and criticism indiscriminatly and destructively. Having lived and tried to cope in the insanity of alcoholism we too need a program of recovery. Al-Anon is that program. It is here that I learned to break the isolation caused by living with this disease. I was also are given a new set of tools to live by such as meetings, a sponsor, the steps, slogans and the basic spiritual principles found in most philosophies.
Practicing the program by keeping the focus on ourselves, living one day at a time, responding to situations and not reacting and trusting a higher power all enables me to stop judging blaming and criticizing others. It is a process and we believe in progress not perfection.
You have taken a huge step in sharing here so please keep coming back
Thank you grateful2be and hotrod. I am so happy I found this forum and equally grateful to have been able to chat with you both. Blessings to you both!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Dear Debb
Welcome. my AW used to constantly Deny, Rationalize and Yell when she was coming off a binge. They were distractions she would use to keep me from Trusting myself. after an while I just chose not to engage in the insanity. I learned later, once I joined Alanon that In was applying JADE piendpbs.
qood for you wanting to not putalh the blame on him.
Kenny
Hi debbie, that is a really good question and suggests that you are willing to open your mind to new ways of thinking. In order to get to the stage where I let go of the blame and got myself out of the pity party I had to learn to think differently, I had to get rid of the negative thought processes that I had held on to for years. I couldnt do it alone and I found everything I needed in face to face alanon meeting. Ive been going there every week for 2 years now and I feel so much better, I am no longer a victim and dont not much self pity at all. Im happy most of the time and I control my own behaviour and dont take responsibility for anyone elses, well not much, its progress, not perfection.
For me this has been a journey, seeing the truth came quickly in my journey in alanon but it took time to accept the truth and then take the correct course of action to make changes that improved my life. The truth for me was that I had a part to play in my relationships, in my behaviour. I always had a part to play but I blamed my ex for everything. In order for things to improve I had to look within, look deep into who I was and what out of date, crazy thought process had to go. The answer was never ever about him or anyone else changing, only me changing made the difference for me. Due to the changes I have made to me, my family is in a much better place today, emotionally. Its amzing to me that I spent years waiting for all the different parts of my life to be just right so that I could be happy, I was always looking out but it is all about within. Sounds like a cliche but it is so true. Keep coming back, go to your nearest face to face meeting get the welcome pack, do the reading and you will be brilliant in no time, well thats how it worked for me.x
Thank you el-cee and Kenny, means alot to me to hear from you all!! It has been a journey and the journey has made me a better person, inspite of the emotional roller coaster. I plan to continue the journey and continue through the learning process because it is the right thing to do for me and my AH.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
