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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Apologizing to A
Post Info TOPIC: Apologizing to A
sunshine23


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Apologizing to A
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After calming down and processing the events that had happened, I realized my hands are not clean in failed marriage. It is like my AH hurting himself and I added salt to the injury. He is responsible for hurting himself but I made it more painful for everyone. On hindsight, I should have left earlier or reacted in a more positive manner. I master enough courage to write him a text saying that I am sorry for behaving in an mean spirited way which hurt both of us. As predictable as As are, he started berating me. I was tempted for a tiny second to start a debate on his actions vs mine. What an ass h he has been but I stopped myself with the serenity prayer. I did what I could for my recovery. He takes what he wants and I need to leave it at that. How he reacts to my apology is not what I can change. I feel better that I apologized even though I knew I will get a scolding.

 

 



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Jerry F


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Right on...that is what it is about...cleaning your side of the street; working the program for your own recovery.  Good self control and great tool that Serenity Prayer huh?

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



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hotrod


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Good work Sunshine. You have a found the deep and powerful wisdom of this program.

Keep coming back.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
SunshineGirl


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Hi Sunshine

Thank you for sharing about your apology to your AH.

I did similar to my AH (me coming from place of being A myself, and re my Al-anon behaviour issues). I felt a great sense of relief from doing so. From cleaning my side of the street.

To my surprise, my AH reacted in a kindly way but it could have gone either way. Obviously I picked a time when he wasn't drunk. I just said it, kept it short, thanked him for his acknowledgement and left the room swiftly to avoid it turning into a 'tit for tat'. From either side.

I felt it was really worth doing.


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sunshine23


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My AH today all of a sudden told me to take 60% of his pay. Now I am not sure to take or not. I think I will take and put in another account for rainy day. Not sure if it has to do with the apology.

An hour later he is writing nonsense. Unpredictable yet so predictable. 



-- Edited by sunshine23 on Monday 26th of May 2014 07:43:28 AM

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SerenityRUS


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Sunshine big hugs,

I used to say that my STBAX was so unpredictable that he's predictable.

I could say to my sponsor this is what's going on .. now watch .. if I do this .. than this will happen and she would laugh at me and say no, no, no .. and then when I did this and this happened she was like OMGOSH .. how do you know .. it's just a pattern .. I know when I need to back off and I know when to continue. Obviously I couldn't keep doing that because he became a caged rat in some regards and I didn't want to deal with getting bit!

All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and keep him from shoving his stuff over to me. Good for you on doing that part of the deal .. now .. I think your plan of taking the pay and putting it away sounds like a good one.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
sunshine23


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Thanks Serenity and sunshine, I was sadden by the texts but I never feel compel to respond. Unlike 2-3 weeks ago. I felt like a caged rat that had to jump when poked. Now I have peace and private time with God and to deal with my issues. I also have time to read encouraging things on the board. Every little progress, even someone posting about finding this board is such a blessing!



-- Edited by sunshine23 on Monday 26th of May 2014 09:27:32 AM



-- Edited by sunshine23 on Monday 26th of May 2014 09:28:09 AM

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SerenityRUS


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You are sooo right they are sad .. the more I see my STBAX as a sick person the more compassion (maybe it's pity) I feel for him (that's as of today .. LOL .. tomorrow I may be mad as hell). The texts that seem so rational to him .. they are so bizzaro to me. GAK .. it's frustrating to say the least.

Right now my STBAX is trying to convince my daughter that she needs to change schools and that her summer is going to suck. I'm wanting to lash out at him and realize that what is the point .. his reality is he can have an opinion about a situation he knows NOTHING about and that's on him. He has no legal say on where the kids go to school .. he has no legal say on what church they go to .. he has no legal say on the medical care they receive .. he has NO legal say PERIOD.

I have sole legal and physical custody .. reality is he doesn't even have a say in where we live. I can move ANYWHERE in the state and he has no say.

He doesn't live in the same reality as I do.

YES .. this board is a blessing is putting it mildly.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
grateful2be


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If you feel cleaner because you admitted something you saw was your part in the drama, that's it. That's all you need to do. That and continuing to work your program to grow and change for you.

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el-cee


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You have been working hard on doing the next right thing, good for you.x

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Debilyn


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Good for you!

May I remind you, before we get these great al anon ways to live, we do still mess up.I am sure I would still goof!

We are human and blow it. Simple as that.

Please forgive yourself. That is important too. Does not matter how he or anyone responds, it adds good spirit to you! hugs



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KennyFenderjazz


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Sunshine,

I've found that I have become more conscious of what part I had in it as I go further into recovery. I have apologized for bits and pieces, and have acknowledged many of my parts in it. Of course, as I go along and am just trying to keep myself clean in recovery I am having mini-revelations about my part in it, keeping a list for reference for when I actually get to step 4.

Not beating myself up, just becoming more aware and trying to clean up some of the mess. I don't like messes anymore.

Peace
Kenny

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