Spouse went off the wagon after 9 years; what should I do? - Al-Anon Family Group

AnneR · Member

Spouse went off the wagon after 9 years; what should I do?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Anne and welcome to the board...I never handled anything alcohol/alcoholic/alcoholism successfully. It always out ran me, out thought me, out tricked me until I was a suicide candidate, crazy as a loon or worse and then by miraculous chance found the Al-Anon Family Groups. I called Help In Emotional Problems first and then the Suicide Prevention Center before finding the hotline number for Al-Anon and a live voice who knew exactly where I was because she had been there myself. Everyone here to some degree or more know where you are at with this and what you are talking about. For me go to the white pages of your local telephone book and get the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. Call that number and if a live voice isn't on the other end listen to the recording of where and when we get together in your area and make it a priority at getting to the very first meeting that you can.

Your husband is dealing with a relapse and also (which was said a my morning home group) he didn't start drinking again at where he started. He started at where he left off the last time. Lie, cheat, steal? normal. Anger, fear, anxiety, confusion? normal. Confused, sad, anxious, angry, resentful spouse and family...normal. You can only take care of what it is that is Anne. Find the meeting and keep coming back here to your MIP home. Relapse is part of the disease. Self sponsoring is (and he knows this) a relapse guarantee. He knows what he is supposed to do even if he hasn't done it already. (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Anne ,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. I have experienced what you describe and know how hard and painful it is to witness and live with.

I urge you to check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend . Alanon is a fellowship of people who have lived with this disease and who connect in order to break the isolation and support each other as we learn new constructive tools to live by. Remember we did not cause the disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
Keep coming back here as well.

You are not alone.

AnneR · Member

Thanks for your replies. They are very helpful. I did go to an Al-anon group years ago when we had this problem, but I had trouble relating to the folks there. For now I think I'll stick with this site. Maybe I'll see if there are any other groups in the area that I would feel more comfortable with.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Anne, my husband was dry for 15 years before he took a drink again. He had been hiding it for nearly a year before I found out and it became a serious problem in our home. This site is wonderful, but I do think that trying Al Anon again face to face might help you. I find that my face to face friends are truly a wonderful support for me and I don't know where I'd be without the program.

IF meetings aren't for you, there are online meetings through this website and there are Facebook groups, too. Also, you might want to just get some of the literature like the daily readers, "Courage to Change", "Hope for Today", etc.

As Jerry said, the lies are normal and it will continue. Al Anon has taught me to allow my husband the dignity to make his own choices regarding his drinking, not drinking, driving under the influence, or whatever bad behavior you can think of. I have choices too. I can stay and live with it or I can make a plan to leave. I can't change or influence his choices nor can I force him to tell the truth. For me, the lies were the hardest thing to live with, not necessarily the drinking. The shame that is wrapped up in alcoholism is sad but it doesn't have to be yours. You can hold your head high, take care of yourself(and kids if you have them), and let the alcoholic find their own path wherever that may lead them. You are not alone!

AnneR · Member

Thank you for your comment!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"Getting Them Sober" volume one. Toby Rice Drew was the best thing for me, especially in the beginning.

We can do nothing but stop asking them, and take care of us. Al anon is key. It teaches us how to deal with living with an A. We here listen and support each other.

The Addicts brain can be wired so they honestly believe their lies. How many times have we heard, no I am not drunk and he or she cannot walk?

I am so sad he relapsed. Sadly almost everyone of them do. All we can do is not take it as our own issue. We can choose to live with it and use things we learn from Al Anon. or keep it the same and be in crises all the time or end it.

He is an adult, has a right to do what he is going to do, same as us. The consequences fall where they do.One may be a dui, losing job, losing family, losing home, health, life.

It's up to him. Sadly they cannot just choose to quit. Until they reach a point of not wanting to live like this no matter what they have to do comes.

You have done the perfect thing coming here. We have meetings here, message board and chat room.

I don't know what you mean by an at home rehab, as that is an oximoron. A rehab serves to help the total disease, emotional, mental, physical and spirtual. NO way can one get that at home. Then they are encouraged to do 90 meetings in 90 days.

Sucessfully? addiction is a disease, they are never cured. We may be blessed with good times, we may be blessed with them getting into a recovery program. But living with an A is not just about their drinking etc.They have many other symptoms they must work on.

Keep coming back for you!

AnneR · Member

Thanks for your suggestions. Rehab at home was a program offered by a local foundation. 2 counselors came to our house once a week for a couple of months and worked with us both and even our son who was away at school at the time. They got him (my husband) going to AA meetings and it worked for the last 9 years.

Thanks!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sooo glad to hear this. Everyone learns differently, whatever works is all that matters. I will keep you all in my prayers.

That actually is great to have been such a part of his recovery.

I so hope he finds it again!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Anne. My AH has been drinking for my entire marriage, over 11 years now. It has only gotten worse. I have been in al anon for a year. It has changed my life. Also, toby Rice Drews' books "Getting them Sober" have helped me a lot. What did I do about behavior you describe? I moved out. The bad behavior started out-weighing the good and I couldn't handle it anymore. My sponsor, meetings and literature...and my Higher power helped me to start a new life. It isn't always easy. Reading al anon books have helped me a lot too. keep coming back

AnneR · Member

Thanks for your input. Sounds like I definitely need to read that book!

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