I'm ANGRY. - Al-Anon Family Group

Forgiveness82 · Member

I'm ANGRY.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand the hurt and the feelings of rejection if that is part of what is going on in you? I use to entertain lots of negative self talk that added to the hurt. Your hurt is about you. Of course you are good enough to be loved. You ARE loved. My experience with untreated As is that they don't love themselves and do things to hurt themselves like steal, cheat, lie. The reasons he did what he did are his own and frankly there is no rhyme or reason to the insanity of the disease.

It is good that you did walk away from this man with your dignity intact. You could have chosen to engage in a bitter battle that would have gone nowhere and you didn't do that. You could have tried to get even with him and that would have only added to the hurt you are feeling right now.

We get so beaten down living with untreated As, that we can turn what they've done in on ourselves - blaming ourselves for what they've done or not done. You're so right. His behavior is about him and not about you. Your behavior is about you and I think you are doing just fine and will be just fine - without somebody who hasn't been good to you and won't be good to you. You can do some of the things for yourself you wanted him to do. Complimenting yourself for what you've done well might be a very good start? An asset list and a gratitude list to bolster your self-confidence and the goodness that is in your life might be a help, too?

Glad you came here for help. I'm sorry you are hurting and I also believe these feelings and this time in your life will pass and you will be stronger for it as you continue to work your program and seek the fellowship of others who have been there or are there.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of May 2014 10:11:23 PM

jillybean1 · Senior Member

I try very hard to let it go....I was so angry at mine for things that he didn't even remember that he did. The anger hurt me and not him....he had no knowledge of the things he said, the lies, the nonsense.....the anger ate at me and didn't affect him at all. When I finally got that, I started on my path to peace.

When I forgave him, I let the burden off myself and I could breathe again. I gave him over to his higher power and I was off the hook.

I didn't have infidelity in the picture (that I am aware of) and I think if I did that I may have felt differently. I know that can be forgiven ----I have seen it in friends and family members ----I don't know if I could ever have trust again and that is the BIG issue with me.

Keep calm and carry on. Jill

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello forgiveness,

I so understand the pain that you are experiencing and the negative messages that you are feeding yourself over this person . Remember alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerlesss. I salute you for taking care of yourself and urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend --You are so worth it.

We recently had an excellent posting on the subject of anger and it might be helpful for you to reivew
Here is the link
alanon.activeboard.com/t57648448/what-do-i-do-with-anger/

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Forgiveness, ponder this:

If you were to be truly, truly, loved by an abusive alcoholic...what would that look like and what would that mean about you? In truth, I would bet everything that it wasn't that you were "not good enough to love" for him, but the exact opposite "too GOOD to love" in the sick manner he goes about "loving" people.

Forgiveness82 · Member

Thank you so much for your replies.
Felt awesome to let this out and be encouraged.

Forgiveness82 · Member

pinkchip wrote:
Forgiveness, ponder this:

If you were to be truly, truly, loved by an abusive alcoholic...what would that look like and what would that mean about you? In truth, I would bet everything that it wasn't that you were "not good enough to love" for him, but the exact opposite "too GOOD to love" in the sick manner he goes about "loving" people.

He was bringing a stripper into our house.

I can't even fathom this...but you've given me a lot to think about. Thank you so much.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Pink always has the shortest responses and the ones that cut to the chase .. LOL .. that's what I had to start realizing in terms of me not being enough .. the reality is I was expecting a very sick person to love me when he couldn't even love himself.

Think about what you wrote .. he brought a stripper into your house .. what healthy person does that? Who knows what kind of lies he told her and if he was honest (cough gag cough gag I don't believe that for a min) what kind of woman does that? Also a VERY sick one .. I actually dealt with an educated woman coming into my home who was also a mother. That is one I can't wrap my brain around.

Boy can I relate to your feelings of not knowing what to do with that kind of intense feelings there are a few things first off .. it's a feeling not a fact comes to mind. I have to remind myself that I have a God size hole that I'm trying to make a sick person fill it and make me feel whole. I'm the ONLY one who can fill that whole by loving myself .. part of my anger was understanding it was not even him I was angry at .. it was ME .. self forgiveness is a tough one .. I'm more than willing to forgive others .. however forgiving myself which is where forgiveness starts in order to forgive others .. it's not condoning the bad behavior or excusing it .. it's more about loving me enough to realize that I have faults as well and I DO have choices in how I continue to behave .. if the old behavior isn't working .. I can choose to change it.

I had to work on forgiving myself for choosing him to begin with some of the behavior blindsided me however ... I walked willingly into the relationship. I had to forgive myself for giving my children the same childhood I had, well it's much different than mine .. however they have an absent father. I had to work on forgiving myself for feeling stupid that I didn't see the affair sooner. I had to forgive myself for my part of what I brought into the relationship.

As I do this and create a much closer relationship to my higher power .. the anger comes and goes .. it doesn't stay. I'm ok with that because it's a feeling not a fact.

Hugs S :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I invite you to be angry at the behavior, the disease, not the sick A. He is insane, does not choose to be, there honestly is not way to rationalyze insanity or to understand it.

They do what they do for number one, getting their drug.

Forgiveness is more for us, we don't want to carry around that bitterness.

hugs!

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