The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, STBAX has the kids today. He offered to take our daughter for a haircut. Now this is after telling her he had no money and wouldn't until he'd been moved out and so on. I know him well enough to know he's thinking if he does this the judge will think he's a nice guy and he's going to lower the child support he has to pay .. well what is making me LOL .. child support is child support .. what he's doing is gifts. This is JUST like 2 years ago when he tried to go before the same judge and explain that he should have money deducted off for buying the kids underwear never mind he hadn't paid anything for 6 weeks. He tried to starve the kids and I out of the house .. never in my life was I as horrified as I was that summer. Anyway, another old story that I no longer need to rehash .. just back ground.
ANYWAY .. LOL .. I was having a lovely coffee with a girlfriend of mine, program friend. He can't help himself .. he really can't .. he's had the kids for 2 hours and was texting me about how much money he spent. I made a very conscious decision not to look at my phone or respond. I have thought about it and there really is no point .. he has an atty he needs to figure out what child support is and how it works with his atty not with me. I'm ignoring him .. ironically he's not texting about the cat. I've still not found a home .. it is heart breaking .. I don't know what else to do at this point. I will leave it alone until I have more information.
This is the SAME behavior as it was 2 years ago when he was actively drinking .. so it's hard to tell is he drinking or is he dry drunking it? He must have realized after he sent the text how crazy he sounded especially since I didn't respond and gave some insane figure which I don't understand and says 1300$ FYI .. I don't have clue what that means? Honestly I could care less. It's just NOT my problem .. I'm sorry he's struggling .. how is that MY fault? Well I know why it's my fault in his world .. it's just not MY issue and I choose not to take that on.
My friend looked at me and started laughing and says ... OMGOSH .. how LONG have we been here and how LONG has he had the kids today? I told her this is completely predictable behavior from him when he has the kids. I have to just ignore him when he starts in with this stuff.
If nothing changes .. nothing changes and OMGOSH NOTHING has changed .. and I don't know why I am always so shocked when I am detached, I can clearly see that nothing has changed. LOL .. this is the same song and dance just a different year .. LITERALLY not even a different month as sad as that is .. he's literally looney big time.
Anyway, this is what I'm dealing with at the moment and I'm ok .. it's just freaky to read the same texts and realize that they are the same ones from two years ago.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
As you said, nothing changes if nothing changes. And, that is why we don't go to the hardware store for bread, right? I'm sure it's so hard for you to detach and not engage. Keep working that program!
You are right he is using the kids .. he's back to obsessing about what I'm doing, telling me what he's spending money on and trying to control me and my situation. I'm not interested in playing his game. I told the kids that it is an acceptable answer to give him when he starts with the 20 questions .. dad .. if you want to know what Mom is doing you need to ask her .. when we aren't home what mom does with her free time is none of our business.
I have no doubts he will decide no more visitation sooner than later because he won't be able to handle it. That's what the texting was about .. which THAT is really sad. He doesn't see the kids except a few hours out of the month and he needs to spend ANY time texting me? He's got awesome kids .. so seriously very sad.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
What practice has he had at actually being a loving and caring father over the last 2 years? He's seen the kids how many times? Under 5? Yet he has been made to financially support regularly. Hence, he sees the kids as walking dollar signs and doesn't know how to enjoy them and be a dad.
When you truly have a great relationship with your kids, the amount of money you spend on them is not such an issue. He would stop sweating child support if he had that relationship because he'd see it was going towards the wellness and care of his children whom he loves. Oh well....
OMGOSH .. that is exactly it .. and I think what kind of pisses me off is that if I were out partying, plastic surgery and things of that nature .. ok .. I can understand that kind of frustration that people who pay child support go through. THIS? This is BS .. and I'm on the fence if I should address it or not meaning I don't know that he will "get it" and so it's more hot air at this point and the world has enough issues with global warming I don't need to add to it!! :)
He has not had ANY practice on what it means to be a caring, loving father although .. in all fairness I don't know how much of that behavior he actually saw modeled either. When his mom was 35 and he was 16 she was a raging alcoholic who always had issues with anger (ragoholic big time). I mean when the nuns are calling in the 70's because they are concerned with the level of abuse going on .. there are issues. Then there is HIS dad who completely checked out, literally lives in another country now. Really who has his model been? There is no emotional connection for him and it only becomes about his wants and needs to make himself feel better.
I'm very proud of myself because I looked at the bait and hook said hmm .. yup .. I could soooo go there. Thought about what it would mean in terms of .. is he REALLY going to hear me? The courts will once again explain child support and what that means .. I don't need to do it. I may address it through my atty .. I haven't gotten that far yet. We will see.
Progress not perfection, and I'm doing just fine in this regard. The only thing that frustrates me is 2 years later and I'm still talking about the divorce .. LOL .. well .. that will stop when the divorce is over. I do find I'm not as obsessive about it and I might peak later as the time for finalization gets closer that will be because of the level of anxiety and grief that my marriage is legally done. That will be sad .. really not so much because I want him back .. because he's still doing the same thing and it really didn't have to be that way. It is and the reason that it is .. he's an alcoholic.
I will address the issue of the texting when he has the kids .. he can text when he doesn't .. I will not respond when he has the kids.
Thanks for being here, S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
