The material presented
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I just spoke to my relative whose functioning A (at least I think so) had a heart to heart talk with my AH in a bar (lol). Verdict is "you are asking for the impossible"( eyes rolling) "his job requires him to drink" (eyes continues to roll with blood pressure rising) and everyone that works drinks. I retorted "George bush did not" and "many of his colleagues go for extra services when on business trip in Thailand so it is ok too"? I feel really bad about lashing out at her because she is trying to help. She said I should allow moderation, 2 a day (eye balls popped out. hello! He tried that for a year!). Gave up on explaining and busy salvaging my eyeballs.
the thing is they just saw the iceberg and feel that the spouses of As are looking for perfection, picking on As and unreasonable. They think they know because they have been through tough marriages too. Thankfully, I did not harbor any hope for this H2h talk.
This further cement my conviction that it is only through prayer that change is possible because no one can understand Or help unless God brings about a change in As heart. The "want" to change. I am thankful for my pastor and counsellor who are familiar with addiction and al-anon materials and board or I will really think I am crazy. I really should have kept my cool.
Sunshine, are you an Alanon member? Im not sure that pastors and counsellor's unless have lived with alcoholism are going to give you the support that can be given at meetings. Understanding comes from living it, I think thats how AA works its about alcoholis helping alchololics. Alanon works the same way.
I am attending al-anon. I am also fortunate/unfortunate that my pastor has someone in his family that has this disease too. The counsellor working with my AH is a recovering A. I went to other counsellors before and felt more like I am just getting a listening ear with suggestions that may work for normal couples such as express your feelings. I did express my feeling to a brick wall for many years. He felt cornered into listening to me nagging.
I just had some texts exchange with AH. Same old, "go find your true love". "what to expect from someone who cannot provide intimacy" "get a divorce", " I will go find someone who can accept me". I still gets sad. I just ended with "may you find yourself in God"
-- Edited by sunshine23 on Sunday 25th of May 2014 06:24:09 AM
Sunshine big hugs, .. I have heard some looneytoon things come out of my STBAX's relatives and mine as well. I heard, .. well he drinks to relieve stress .. I heard he doesn't drink every day which in my case was true .. what people did NOT understand that when he sat down to drink it was a case at min, not one or two beers (those were 48ozs .. lol). I heard well at least he doesn't physically abuse you. The capper for me was when his s.mom would tell me he looks so normal .. after telling me for YEARS how bad his father looked after they got divorced there is a whole other dichotomy dealing with that issue. Anyway, my point is trying to have that kind of discussion with someone who want to see or doesn't get it is pointless. It is kind of ironic that they went to a bar to discuss why he needed to drink .. lol. I just can't tell you that I have heard these stories in the open AA meetings as well. I am grateful that I realize that this is THEIR issues .. my issue is to stand in my truth as quietly as I can and just detach. There are days that it is easier said than done and I am grateful that I have this board to come to just to get it out. My sponsor is not always available and this is far better than spewing what I would like to at him. The disease is completely illogical.
I do not need to engage with crazy. I can let go and let God in terms of as soon as his stuff starts I just stop texting .. PERIOD. There is no point in having a rational conversation with a drunk person. I am wasting my breath or finger time ... lol.
There are 3 things that might happen if you stop enabling and engaging .. he's going to get help, .. he's going to keep drinking himself stupid, .. or he'll find someone else to continue to enable him. Mine did the last thing and continues to try and find that "person" to fill his God size hole. It's become amusing to say the least to watch him find these women and they catch on pretty fast that he's not ok. I feel stupid because of that .. geeze it only took me 17 years and 2 children later to figure out how not ok he is. He also didn't have the rap sheet he has now.
Why do they do what they do, say what they say? 3 answers, .. he's an alcoholic, .. he's an alcoholic, .. he's an alcoholic. It is not an excuse for the behavior .. it keeps me from trying to rationalize with an irrational person .. and sometimes that irrational person in those situations is me.
I'm so very glad to hear you are getting and receiving help. I'm glad that your pastor has experience with addiction by way of the family .. my pastor is actually a recovering A and talks at different places .. he's in his 70's now. He gets it and I have never heard I was bad or wrong for leaving my spouse in this situation .. I did everything I could and he knows that.
Do you have a sponsor? It really does help the healing process.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I have not found a sponsor yet. Just started attending f2f. I feel very comfortable in the group. I think God's timing is wonderful. I moved at the right time when I am ready to a good apartment, my pastor was supportive of my move, it is the summer break soon, and the tough time for my job has ended. I see the lightbulb moment and knew I had to move. The peace I have now is priceless. Next on the to do list is find a sponsor.
Even though he is threatening divorce and withholding money from me, I do not regret my move. I know even if I stayed on, it will end up the same way just nastier. At least we haven't got physical yet.
Please do pray about this .. mine DID withhold money and started playing those kinds of games so I did file for temporary support and I'm sooo glad I did because there are some very skanky attorney's out there who think nothing of making you wait for months to get it garnished automatically. I had family and friends telling me he would never do that .. well he didn't for a good 8 weeks until he was forced to and because I did have the financials to go with the request he got BIG time spanked .. it was a hell of a deal to say the least. I also heard he would always see the kids and guess what .. he went 8 months without seeing them.
He was so angry about the filing it was unreal.
Just know you are not alone and to make sure you protect yourself financially.
I couldn't go back at this point because it was so bad.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My AH just texted me with "I am home" so I replied "thanks for letting me know, goodnight" then he came back with 3 abusive texts. These are things outsiders do not know. I just have to not engage or things will spiral down again.
