What comes to my mind in reading your thread is the Al-Anon slogan, "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean." Another one that comes to mind is "Easy Does It." And a third is "QTIP." One of the mistakes I have made in dealing with other people is putting on my angry mother look with an angry tone of voice to match. There is an old, old saying "A soft tone turns away wrath." Sometimes, just letting it go works, too.

For me, I guess I'd have to weigh just how nasty or disrespectful the tone truly is (sometimes we can get irritable and unreasonable ourselves without knowing it) and decide if it is worth it to me to expend the energy on attempting to challenge it or just leaving the room. The goal for me in Al-Anon isn't so much to stand up for my rights but to do what feels most peaceful and loving for me at the time without being a doormat. That doesn't mean I don't firmly state my boundaries or my objections to what is unacceptable to me. It just depends for me on how important it is and how much energy I want to expend on whatever it is that is troublesome to me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 12:02:23 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 08:38:10 AM

That is certainly an option as is separation if it helps you. I had to try different approaches in different circumstances with different people to find out what worked for me. It takes courage to risk a new way of handling an old problem to see if it will work for you. Good to see you trying a new way. (((M)))

With my so he is dry as well. Then I remember when he's talking to me it's about him, not me. If I'm in a store, public place, depending on how spiritually fit I am that day I will walk away, go get in the car and wait till he's done shopping. I take care of myself, put myself first. If I'm spiritually fit that day sometimes I will just stand there and think it's his stuff, not mine. Sometimes I say I feel sad when you talk that way or I feel embarrassed when you talk to me that way in public. I always use I statements when telling him something, that does not mean he won't get defensive he may, but I let him say what he needs to and let it go. Im not telling him to get him to change his behavior, he may or may not change,I'm telling him for myself. A lot of this with my so is what he learned as a child , his conditioning, I try to remember, I'm not perfect and stay humble, remember all the good things in him I can be grateful for.

Hi, I can relate to this. In my experience actions speak much louder than any words. I had to deal with that with my son, I told him if he spoke to me this way then I will walk out the room, im not listening to vetbal abuse, he of course continued, hence words are pretty powerless, so I left the room, he followed me so I said well I will leave this house and I did, went for a walk and when I got back he was quiet. You may have to make this kind of statement more than once but he will hear you loud and clear. He gives it because you accept it. Good luck, let us know how you get on, its important others hear these stories. This is abuse, its verbal abuse and its damaging, regardless of his reasons or motives, it should not be tolerated no matter what. I dont believe there is any way to understand it or justify it, its completely unacceptable behaviour.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 24th of May 2014 06:46:00 AM

A look is not verbally communicating with someone about how you feel .. now .. how that person reacts is on them. I'm only responsible for what I say .. I'm not responsible for how someone reacts to it. Nothing I say is going to change my STBAX and I'm still trying to figure that one out .. LOL. I can tell him that I don't like how he speaks to me .. now .. if he chooses to continue with his behavior THAT'S on him .. me accepting it .. is on ME. So I have clear boundaries .. usually since most of our communication is through text I don't have to respond back. Which is a freeing feeling. I also realize that some of his comments are REALLY about himself and how crappy he feels about himself. He needs to put me down to make himself feel better. Most of what he says I tend to blow off unless he is in my presence .. I just don't deal with him.

I have shared this story before .. he had no license because of a DUI deal and I'm driving him to and from work .. this is where I realized I was seriously changing .. as he berated me and now I can't remember what the deal even was .. I was a terrible person and so on .. we lived in the country at the time you would have thought he would have waited until he GOT to work before coming out with the good stuff .. LOL. Anyway, I stopped my van and said he was right .. he should not have to tolerate someone he so obviously despised and he had two choices .. pretty much (I'm paraphrasing) he could shut up for the rest of the ride or he could get out and walk the rest of the way. I would no longer be giving him a ride to and from work from that point forward. OMGOSH .. the look of shock that went across his face and I was extremely calm about the whole thing. He was apologizing (as he never says he's sorry it's that's not what I meant statements) I just continued to state calmly .. you are right .. I will no longer be subject to this kind of verbal abuse. I no longer wish to be in his presence for the 5 min ride to and from work .. why should my schedule be screwed up to accommodate him? He was beyond the pail big time .. he had no idea what to do .. what to say .. and guess what .. he got his own ride home and he figured out how to get to and from work. He never again took issue while I was driving and I never heard about how he couldn't stand my presence.

Now that being said there is a reason he's my STBAX .. I couldn't do the attitude anymore .. I no longer love him, .. most days I don't even like him .. the only saving grace he has at this point is that he is the father of our kids. I would have flambéed him as well as fillet him if there were no children involved so he should be very grateful there were. There is no way that I can or will put up with those kinds of put downs.

Dirty looks aren't going to fix that situation .. find out what you will and won't tolerate, figure out how to communicate and most of all find a boundary you are willing to follow through on .. that's what worked for me. Working with a sponsor has helped me a great deal.

Hugs S :)