FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real - Al-Anon Family Group

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well then it would be real evidence. It's more a stop and think about it. Is this a real fear or a false quit wasting your energy real.

A is out driving drunk, you know this is evidence he will be in an accident and kill someone. False

You do not know.

He is not home, it is three am. he is dead somewhere. false

he is drunk passed out in his car in a parking lot.

So look at what you are seeing is it real or is it false evidence pushing you to believing an outcome that may not be true?

great question!!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Usually fear of what might happen is not real, its our mind that builds up stories of things that never happen and then if it does happen we are in no state to deal logically or rationally, weve lost our perspective or grip of reality.
For me, the more I act in a way that keeps me safe and keeps my serenity, through boundaries and consequences, then the more I trust myself so I can think through the fears and get on with my life. If I am fearful of something happening based on rational thought processes then I try and have a plan of action ready in case and then I can relax again.x

Fifi · Senior Member

This is a question I grapple with often. I am so wired to be on the look out for danger/trouble. I can find it anywhere. especiallyin terms of my sober BF. I always look for a specific cause to justify my fear, but so often all I find are many conflicting perspectives. It leaves me confused, sad and just taking one step forward. Not a great way to live. That is why I am here. To try and have more clarity about myself and the dangers I perceive. Thanks for posting the question.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Fear has some adaptive purpose, but it's way overblown by most of us. Most of our fears are unfounded and that is why the saying "False Evidence Appearing Real" exists. That does not mean all fears are unfounded. If someone is chasing after me with a gun, I am going to be afraid. Period. In that way fear is adaptive.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

This is where I get into trouble. I automatically hear that statement and think I am overreacting and ignore red flags.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"What iffing" (I don't know and don't know that I don't know) "What if notting" I don't know and I am open to more information when and if I get it...just for now I will let go of what I don't know and have no control over. I will turn the "what iffing and what if notting" over to a power greater than myself and be involved in what is good for me presently...proceed in a plan or activity which gives me peace of mind and serenity.

Its not a head trip its a practice. I had to come from where you are at right now Truth and I was solidly there and then had to be willing and open minded to learn and do what the elders in the program were giving away. Some of those where my sponsorship which I needed so badly because of my own I knew nothing and not only didn't know that.

Recovery doesn't come overnight cause we didn't get here overnight. You are growing. Your courage speaks volumes. Keep coming back and thanks for the share. ((((hugs)))) smile

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Okay this is where I get confused. This is my thought process. A is out driving drunk. He could kill someone. He should be reported. A is dating a drinker/involved in drugs. He could relapse. I should put safety measures in for my child. A is escalating to physical violence. He could hurt me. I should have a safety plan in place. A is showing me passive aggressive behaviors and minimizing. He could be using. I should gather evidence for my son.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

In my situation, the fears are not unfounded. He has purposely done and followed through with any fear I share with him.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Well if the A does follow through with what you fear then the next step is:

He is going to drink or he's not, He is going to drive or he's not, he is going to have a affair or he's not.....what are YOU going to do?

Completely let go of his actions because you are not going to fix anything he does unless HE wants it. You can only do what is needed for you and your child's best interest.

Let go Let God....

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I was saying what I was going to do.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I still have real trouble with this one because a passive approach is A is out driving drunk. Even though I know he has the possibility of killing someone I will stay silent. An aggressive approach is I running around trying to get him to stop.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I think where I am getting confused is as a "mother" of an alcoholic. One does not have to go to court and prove their case. As a ex of an alcoholic and trying to protect young ones you do not have that option. You have to gather evidence to prove your court case. So what appears to be "control" is the only way to protect your child.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Doing what is placed before me to do within legal bounds - to protect my child - and taking steps to do that is not control. That is doing the next right thing. Once I've done all I can do within legal bounds to protect my child - then that is all I can do and its time to let go. Control to me would be doing all I can do legally and ethically and then making things up to get what I want or taking unnecessary vigilante type action against the A and his friends when things don't go as I think they should.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes exactly thank you. He accuses me of stalking him. I don't go near him. He accuses me of wanting things to go "my way". He accuses of being difficult when I won't do exchanges at the house because he has terrified me. Making a phone call to the police is not vigilante. I deserve to feel safe in my own home and with who my child is exposed to.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree. Calling the police is a necessary action to protect yourself and your child when in danger.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Just like with the A driving .... People in the community deserve to feel safe on the road.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If I know someone is drinking and driving, I call the police and tell them where I know the driver to be driving. If I don't know for sure they are using and driving, I don't call. I can't talk for other people - since some of the crazies on the road are part of the community - but I can speak for me. I drive defensively and avoid high traffic areas. I know that driving can be risky - not just because of As, but new drivers, people with diseases that are life threatening and can impair their ability to drive safely but because of drivers who make up the rules as they go. So, I guess I can only speak for me and not people in a community because some don't care how they drive either.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

You just said where I get a hmmm? If I don't know for sure, I don't make the call. Why? If your gut is telling it is possibility, what is wrong with saying ..... I don't know for sure in the call. Normal people do that every day. It is called proactive policing.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Because I don't want to falsely accuse somebody of something that I knew for sure one day but don't know for sure when I call. I also don't want to jeopardize being believed when I know for sure somebody is drinking and driving (like they just drove away impaired from my house after drinking a bottle of wine) because I've called before and the police had interviewed the person I called about and they were stone sober at the time.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

That is where I get confused. It is like the addicts/alcoholics try to convince you that the proactive approach is creating problems for them.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

People who are not doing anything wrong are thankful that the police took the time to make the community safe.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I actually figured out what bothers me about that statement. It assumes that taking a proactive approach is the "wrong" approach.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I appreciate how you are seeing things, Truth. Thanks for the post.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

And I appreciate how you helped me get to the bottom of why it was bothering me.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I just know this if the police stopped me on a possible drunk driving charge. I would co-operate with them and be fine because I know it was not true.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

That is how I deal with my ex-a; you can accuse me next way until Sunday. It does not matter to me because I not doing it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Truth: I'm not sure who you are meaning by "you can accuse me..." or what you are meaning by "I'm not doing it?" Could you say more about your meaning?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry I meant he can accuse me. I typed that wrong.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the clarification. I appreciate it.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not doing what he accuses me of so their is no need to defend myself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand now. So happy to see that you are feeling it unnecessary to defend yourself and wanted to share that truth, too.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for checking in for clarification. I appreciate that.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We're here to support each other. I'm just passing on my own e/s/h and what others have given to me in our fellowship of equals. (((T)))

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