What do I do with anger? - Al-Anon Family Group

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

What do I do with anger?

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you attending meetings, sponsor, reading lit?

You have spoken about his recovery and lack of .. what about yours? I can completely relate to the anger part of it all .. it has only been recently (and I still have bouts just not the constant undertones of rippling anger that has always been there in the past).

Alanon and private counseling have helped me a great deal over the past couple of years. When I get and stay in my program of recovery I just am better able to DO something with my anger vs keeping it all tucked inside as it's going to hit a boiling point and explode everywhere.

My daughter described our home life with my STBAX as this .. mom, there was always an understanding that dad drank and you were angry. It was the unspoken hostility that was the hardest to be around with you and Dad.

It has been through healing that I have found relief for my anger. I didn't understand that in the beginning .. now it makes sense .. because it is understandable to be angry in these situations .. in my case it was the constant financial issues, infidelity, and so on. There was some anger I didn't realize I was hanging on to and not processing and this is stuff far before my stbax. They were similar patterns that were playing out in my life.

Now I can feel the anger and let it go through me or deal with it through an alanon friend and support. I couldn't do it on my own. I had to feel it, own it and then allow it to pass.

Big hugs glad you are here, S :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Serenity, Alanon Meetings, the Steps, a Sponsor and the Slogans have all been designed to help us release the negative emotions that have festered over the years. Once we are able to do this we find, courage, serenity , wisdom , self esteem, empathy, and ourselves buried underneath.

Please keep coming back You are worth it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, anger (among other things) is an emotion that can blanket deeper feelings. Anger doesn't hurt and it can give us a surging sense of power that leads us to think we have some illusion of control in a situation. Letting go of that anger can reveal a genuine sense of injustice happening when the scales are tipped too far in either direction - giving too much or taking too much. When I feel anger, I have learned to look at what is truly disturbing my interior peace. In what ways are the justice scales tipping for me? Am I giving too much? I can stop doing that. Am I expecting too much of myself or another person? Then, I can revise my expectations and deal more realistically with the facts at hand.

I lived for 8 years with my abusive xA who did die about 20 years after I divorced him. I was a person who stuffed my anger and turned it in on myself. I had migraines, severe bouts of depression at times, and other maladies. When I could look more deeply at myself and my feelings with others who were in the same boat I was in, I discovered first the anger - call it white fury because it was more powerful than a simple experience of feeling momentary anger - and then I found the feelings beneath the anger that had really been there since childhood when I was taught that anger was a sin and I believed that lie. Underneath the feelings was something greater than the emotions or the feelings I observed - I got in touch with my own HP and from there my entire way of being changed and so did my life.

I encourage you to attend Al-anon right along with the others who have shared thus far on the board. We can't heal ourselves by ourselves and we can heal in the company of others who have been or are in the same kind of boat we have found ourselves to be utilizing the program tools we learn and practice applying what we learn to our lives. I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 23rd of May 2014 09:27:50 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received great ESH and all I can add is my recovery includes, MIP, reading lots of al-anon literature, face to face al-anon meetings, my sponsor, the steps and when I need it a private counselor that understands the disease of alcoholism and the affects it has on the families. This program helped me move through so much when I dove into the above and I got better and gave up being a victim. Sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 23rd of May 2014 07:53:31 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I found that the anger was usually at myself. I was allowing things to continue in a way that was hurting me. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He is playing with recovery, if this is unacceptable to you then maybe a boundary could be used. For example, next time you relapse I will leave and stay with ...... In my experience alcoholics will push to see how much they can get away with, you may have given him the idea that this is okay and you now may have to take action that shows you wont. Words are a bit useless but actions say so much.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess I would ask you,"where does this anger come from? What is the anger about?"

when I learned the A was very sick, basically was not in control of his whole self. I never got angry anymore. It would be like being angry at a rock for being too heavy for me to drag home and put by my pond!

Or be angry I cannot stop the rain. It's insanity for me to.

Its part of the disease their disease gives us. Its all so mischevious. We don't even realize, "wait a minute I am angry at a bunch of symptoms that make up the disease of alcoholism!"

For me the key was learning there was nothing to be angry about. IF it was something i could fix like I am angry those stupid people put holes in my walls....I fix the walls. anger goes away.

I look at the xah as a sick, pickle brained man. So very sad. I mean seriously they are insane. their brains are so compromised even when they don't drink from the damage. plus their whole body is messed up from the affects of alcohol.

I hope this helps. Once you get this, you will feel such freedom. I quit thinking about when our sweet time would end. Because it was just part of the insanity. Also none of it is real anyway. none of it. love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the topic and the responses because this is how I learned about the subject. Anger?? I was a master at it and the drama I used to show others and my alcoholic/addict that "I" was pissed because of what "THEY" were or were not doing to meet my expectations was creative until I learned to laugh at it and myself. This is a great lesson for me on control; trying to have it and trying not to appear that I don't have it, Sucks!! I hated anger because of all of the massive amounts of energy (mind, body, spirit and emotions) that it took to express it. I hated it because I never owned it rather it owned me and I don't like being owned by anyone or anything. During the learning years in Al-Anon my sponsor told me "If you HATE feeling anger...feel the opposite of it and get the opposite feeling...the good feeling". I tested his wisdom and asked him what is the opposite of anger (mine was more rage) and he said "Forgiveness". I replied "I can't forgive this" and he replied "It's not that you can't forgive it, it's that you won't forgive it...to forgive is to let go of the power of it over you and for you". Anger is a power emotion and it is (for me) driven by fear and learning that my sponsor brought me to the opposite of anger is forgiveness...and the opposite of fear? love. I will not fear what I love and do not love what I fear. That is how it works for me. ((((hugs)))) smile Every time now you do anger...also do forgiveness.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 23rd of May 2014 09:16:37 PM

1lostmom · Member

I had a counselor use the iceberg model with me to discuss anger, and that is really what i think about now. Imagine an iceberg, where anger is what you see above the surface. But underneath, there is much more going on. Sometimes, choosing to hold onto anger is a lot easier than having to deal with the feelings below the surface.

I use my anger as a defense mechanism. When I feel angry, I do not have to address more vulnerable feelings within myself- like hurt, frustration, worry, fear, and loss of control. When I act angry, others do not want to be around me and it creates a wall that I can hide behind.

You our mentioned feeling afraid to talk to him, you mentioned feeling hurt and disappointed. Work on those deeper emotions. Work on healing the hurt and disappointment, and fear. You will find that the anger lessens as well.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.