Sister's wedding is stirring things up - Al-Anon Family Group

StargazerLily · Veteran Member

Sister's wedding is stirring things up

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. I understand and can relate to a lot you've written here. I have no advice for you because you are the expert in your situation. I can offer to you something from one of Al-Anon's readers that has helped me when I was uncertain of what to do: I can decide if I have the Opportunity, the Desire, the Ability and the Time to do what ever it is I'm considering. If the answers to each question is yes, then it is probably my HP's will for me and my HP will give me all that I need to carry through HP's will for my life. Another thing that helps me is to write a pros and cons list and see what is the greater list of the two. I can utilize Step 3 and/or Step 11, too.

And for what it is worth, I see something positive in your story - it appears to me that it is very important for your sister to share this special time in her life with you. For all of her pushing and shoving and trying to encourage you to be there in what I would say is a pretty immature way, I don't think anybody pushes that hard for somebody to be with them during a very special time for them if the person who has been invited isn't cherished and wanted at it. I could be wrong, so this is one of those take what you like and leave the rest things, but that is the good I see in your story.

I don't know what has happened between you and your Mom. I'm a rescuer myself so I get your reluctance to feel the feelings and still say no to yourself when it comes to doing for your Mom what she can do for herself - but is any of this enough for you to stay away from your sister's wedding?

I went through a very difficult time in my own life recently and being around sibs was like sitting in a field while arrows were being shot at me. It helped me to look at my motives for being where I was at the time - and it was to be with my ailing father who wanted me with him as he declined and when he died. That gave me all the strength I needed and Al-Anon tools, my sponsor, close friends and the Al-Anon fellowship helped me do what I couldn't have done without knowing my purpose at that time. I had thought that I might not be able to be at my father's funeral after he died because of the difficulties of relating among some of my sibs - several who drink excessively and one admitted alcoholic who doesn't want to do anything about it and the rest untreated codependents - but my HP and Al-Anon tools helped me be where I needed to be when I needed to be there. I would have regretted missing Dad's funeral and ultimately - everything turned out much, much better than I thought it might.

Sending lots of hugs and encouragement.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 22nd of May 2014 10:13:08 PM

karma13 · Senior Member

I agree with grateful to be pros cons list and step 3 and 11 would be good here. No one can tell you the right or wrong as no one knows what is right for you to do in this situation except you and your hp. What feels right for you to do? Leaving your sister and your mom's feelings out of your decision. If you decide to go, you could show up for a while and leave if you began to feel uncomfortable. It's all your choice, and what they think of you how they feel that's their stuff, not yours, how freeing ;)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Being that I'm getting married in a month, and it's difficult enough to plan a wedding, spend tons of money and you just want people you care about there....I would say it's a day you and you mother owe your sister to forget the drama even if you have to pretend it doesn't exist. You have a right to your feelings and believes....but she also has a right to get married with her loved ones there for the function(s) and not have them bringing their drama into it and ruining it. I understand both sides of this.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the ESH here and have to agree with pinkchip, marriage is a huge stressful ordeal and maybe a time to put the drama aside to show your loved ones you are there in support. Nobody wants their wedding ruined and just for a little while things don't need to be ugly. Have you done any private counseling in regards to how you are feeling? That helped me out a lot when I could barely contain my hurt and anger. Sending you love and support on your journey!

deacon · Senior Member

Also agreeing with Pink Chip and Breaking Free- I was at a wedding recently where one of the bridesmaids cried all the way down the aisle because she had just broken up with her boyfriend. She was certainly entitled to her grief but really should have put it aside for one day so that the bride could have her time in the sun. And it did rather put a downer on the whole affair. My grandma used to tell me that anyone could put on their big girl pants for one special day. Maybe accepting your sister for what she is and not for what you want her to be would a step forward for you emotionally. So put aside your differences with your mom and sister and show them what a class act you are. You cannot control their behavior but you can manage your own.

But, if you really think that you will break down or cause her added stress on what is meant to be a wonderful day, then for her sake, don't go.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ok dear one, what would make you want to go to a party for someone who says to you, "I don't care how you feel! ?" simple.

Just becuz they are blood family does not mean they are not toxic to us. I have one auntie left and her daughter my cousin. This aunt I thought loved me refuses to give me gramas ring that was promised to me.

Her daughter has a restraining order against her.

Am I going to be around them ever??? NO way.

We who are in recovery from A's damaging ways, protect ourselves. Hon you have the right to say no. You have a right to say I expect to be treated respectfully.

I mean seriously what has happend to make you want to go. Sounds like sister has not been loving one bit! Her behavior sure is not making it be inviting!

We do not know what her motives are. Sure is not becuz she cares about you and your feelings. Is it becuz her friends wonder why her own sis won't come? who cares what they think.

I am here to support YOU. I want the best for you. plus I do care how you feel and we have never met!

Proud of you for standing up for that sweet soul you are. That takes courage, something the A's want to stomp out of us.

Sending you love and strength! debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to say I am shocked by people saying she should go be around people who have made it clear they do not care how she feels!

I don't pretend, I will not sacrifice myself anymore for anyone. I used to pretend so I would go to A's moms for xmas or whatever. I stopped that asap after al anon.

Pretending is not showing anyone how to treat us. wedding or not, I don't care how important it is.

I know if I love someone, want their company, I treat them right, and welcome them.

We learn in Al Anon that we get sick by accepting unacceptable behavior.

ugh. I have to agree to disagree about this one! (c:

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If my sister is getting married, I will be there even if my worst enemy is there (not that I have enemies). That day is not about me and my grievances. I didn't hear the sister saying she didn't care. Obviously she does or she wouldn't want the poster here to go to the wedding and bachelorette party at all. She just stated she doesn't feel the same about the alcoholism issue and isn't abiding by "no contact" with parents.

People and their egos (wanting to be agreed with and backed up on issues) ruin weddings and family affairs and cause unnecessary drama. This wedding is about the sister. It's not about the parents and the alcoholism. To make it that way is selfish. Sister has a right to disagree and not feel the same about her parents. It is what it is.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"She also told me that my drama with them has nothing to do with her and she doesn't care how I feel and doesn't want to hear about it. That hurt me so much. I feel like I need her understanding and compassion but I'm not going to get it."

Mark it is right in her post. Her sister told her she did not care what she thought. For me, for someone to tell me they do not care what I think, is unacceptable behavior from a person I thought loved me.

If sis had said, "I know we don't agree about mom and dad, however, I love you and want you to come support my wedding."

I did not say anyone does not have a right to feel as they do. that is not my nature. we feel what we do. The poster is hurt, and being treated badly, why in the world would anyone go where they are basically being abused and ordered to go?

This is just my feelings you know. I may not be right or wrong. I just do not feel if someone treats me disrespectfully I will not make it seem like it is ok by attending!

deb

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 23rd of May 2014 03:44:30 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah it's in there that she didn't care about that stuff with their mom and doesn't want to hear about it. She has that right. People have the right to not agree with our interpretations of others and they have the right to say they don't want to be coerced into it or have it dominate family functions and gatherings. It was not the most sensitive way of saying "I dont' feel that way about mom and dad anymore. I know that bothers you and you wish I supported you by feeling the same, but I don't. Please put differences aside for my wedding." People don't usually word things with ultimate tact (I usually don't when frustrated). It appears to me like the sister is just not with the "Lets cut off mom and dad cuz they are drunks and lets exclude them from everything" tip and she's tired of it and doesn't want it to ruin her wedding. That is her prerogative. When we go "Oh I can't believe she invited XYZ knowing how I feel about them!!!" we are making it all about us when it's not.

I only hear she doesn't care how she feels about that topic and especially doesn't care in relation to her wedding. I did not hear "I don't give a crap out you and your feelings ever at all!!! Please come to my bridal shower and my wedding though." That would be ridiculous.

The poster may be right that the sister is being deluded and maybe even insensitive about how bad the parents are but 2 wrongs don't make a right. "You don't agree with me so I ditch your wedding to make a point because my feelings are so hurt!?" I would not. Just me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh no mark I don't have a desire for you to agree with me. I respect your feelings !

Its just me. I have no tolerance for anyone speaking rudely to me, or to anyone else. I have no allegiance to anyone who does not treat me with the love and respect I deserve.

Plus she did say how very hurt she was and is. I would support whatever a person wanted to do. Again it is just me.

I do not lash out from frustration, am not an arguer or a person who yells. I grew up with little conflict with a family who never cussed, yelled or was rude to each other. We do exist. We also shared things, were honest. We said what we felt, and were not argued with.

Learned a long time ago not to yell back or argue or allow anyone to pull us into their bolony. That would put us at their level.

Maybe our family was one of the exceptions. Also I am grateful we do not have addicts on either side of my family. No we were not perfect, but we treated each other with love.

You know too, for me a wedding does not mean parties and all that. Marriage is a sacred contract between two people who love each other. A gift from the creator. several of my friends have been married over 40 years.

anyway I digress! I do love your shares and I feel as close to you as ever!We don't have to agree to care about each other, and respect each others thoughts, opinions and beliefs. (c:

StargazerLily · Veteran Member

I appreciate seeing the different perspectives here because it helps me see things a bit more clearly and understand myself better.

I did go tonight. My mother was not there. I found out that there is another bridal shower next weekend that my mother will be at so I get to have more practice at being calm and relaxed in a really uncomfortable situation. It was strange for me sitting next to her tonight knowing how she feels about me. At one point she laughed and yelled "f*** you Alana". Now she was joking and drinking but she's never said it before and I can't help but wonder if she really meant it on some level. I know things won't ever be like they were and I am beginning to accept it.

Deb, thank you for your kind words. It's great to be reminded that I have the right to say no and to not be around people who are toxic. I feel so powerless when I forget that.

What I can't understand is why it would be asking too much of my sister for her to say "I'm sorry you had to go through that" or "That really sucks, I love you." I'm not asking her to hate my parents or be angry at them and I never asked her to exclude them from anything, ever. This isn't about her agreeing with me or taking sides. It doesn't make sense to me that this is the same person I was in therapy with.

Pinkchip, of course my sister has the right to not agree with me and not hear about these things but how do I deal with the fact that she is mad at me for something she doesn't want to talk about or hear about? How on earth would that ever get resolved? If what she is doing is trying to stay out of it then how can she be angry? I think that would fall under the category of unacceptable behavior.

I will have to write more tomorrow. I am sleepy now.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Uhhh, Alana??? She was drinking, cursed you (something she has never done before), and was still angry even though you went to her party? Hmmmmm. She's also seemed to have done an about face from being together with you in believing your parents having a drinking problem prior to tonight's party. I went through something similar with a sister of mine. We had been close friends (or so I thought for years) and then she seemed to do an about face in behavior when my Dad had a stroke. Said lots of cutting things to me that floored me. What I realized later was that my sister - who had always been a drinker since her college days - was experiencing the progression of the disease which explained her switch in demeanor. She had always been a kind and loving gal who became cruel almost seemingly overnight. It wasn't overnight though. She'd been drinking beers at night for years. She'd become like a Jekyll/Hyde personality and it confused me until I recognized what was familiar to me - alcoholism in yet another loved one. She confessed later that she knew she was an alcoholic and that she didn't want to do anything about it. She can be pleasant and sweet on the surface in front of "the public eye," but can change in an instant with no apparent reason for it.

When I first read your experience with your sister, I just saw an immature gal stressed out by an upcoming wedding who didn't express herself very gracefully. With this new information, there might be more to it than that? What do you think? Might there be a drinking problem for your sister, too? If so, that could very well be the answer to every question you have now.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 01:27:16 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 01:39:04 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 01:42:24 AM

karma13 · Senior Member

I do have to say being around unacceptable behavior cruel cutting sarcastic humor in the past " fu#k you " even if they were drinking, didn't mean it, I hear possible denial here. I do not think myself, I would go to the next event. I would feel I made a appearance last night and that was enough. I wouldn't want to allow someone to abuse me again.
You said how do I deal with the fact that she is mad at me for something she doesn't want to talk about or hear about? How on earth would that ever get resolved? If what she is doing is trying to stay out of it then how can she be angry? I think that would fall under the category of unacceptable behavior.
I would say detachment with love would be a good tool to use here. I can literally drive myself bonkers trying to figure out someone else's motives, feelings, why they do the things they do. The truth is it may never get resolved. Acceptance is another tool. It sounds like your sister is actively drinking and even if she is not she is going to have behaviors of the disease. I think you are spot on about it being unacceptable behavior. Self care would be of utmost importance here, I love my sister but using I statements I would call her up tell her I would not be coming to the next shower and perhaps not the wedding, depending how I felt inside that day, what was hp, my intuition telling me to do. Not my alanon friends, not my family, what does my hp think is best safest for me to do. I would also tell my sister I felt hurt when she cursed me in front of all of the people at the shower, or whatever I was feeling sad, angry, resentful. Then I would let go and let god. I would tell her for me not for her, to free me, knowing she may not change. Bless her change me. My prayers are with you for courage whatever you decide to do. Much love ;)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can see the other side too. You have to protect yourself Alana. If it's going to damage you and hurt you that badly...To thine own self be true. "Why is she mad at you?" My guess is she was hoping she was important enough for you to put aside your differences with your mother and attend her bridal shower. So it sounds like she also spoke in anger when she stated she didn't care how you felt about your parents and it had nothing to do with her. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her wedding, bridal shower, etc...so she has a point I guess but sounds like she's acting like bridezilla. It's possible she was so hurt by your not attending the bridal shower that she can't and doesn't want to discuss reasons. Part of her may also agree with you but she doesn't want to validate your excuse for being absent so she "can't" really talk about it because she might not actually feel that way and it's all about her own resentment. Also, if she is in bridezilla mode, she probably can only talk about the wedding when it comes to family stuff. She may be pissed, hurt, and anxious that this feud is going to keep playing out and mess up her "perfect day." Lots of possibilities when you take into account the way people act about family and about weddings (especially their own).

What I do know is that if my own sibling didn't show up at my wedding after being invited and possibly included in the wedding....That would be a dagger and it would trump anything my parents did or anyone else to merit them not being there. So you would then be taking a disagreement and turning it into a relationship ender. One of my sisters still drinks a lot...I would still go to an important affair of hers. My partner's father was a bitter old drunk who left him 10 dollars in his will to make a point of being nasty, but he still went to the funeral for the rest of the family. Sometimes doing what is right goes against feelings. I don't know for sure what is right for you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, lots of women get drunk at their bachelorette parties...so I wouldn't use that as a sign of alcoholism progression as much as how she might drink on any other given day. Not that it makes sarcastic "F you's" an okay thing ether but, again....I suspect bridezilla "all about me and my wedding" attack and the circumstance is so different than the "sitting in therapy" sister you saw even though she's the same person.

It is possible that as bad as you want her to validate your feelings about your parents....she wants you to validate the importance of her wedding. Often times in families affected by alcoholism, all relationships break down because of problems communicating openly. You learn not to communicate because of the "elephant in the room."

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 24th of May 2014 07:14:40 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

PS - I may have to recuse myself from this thread as it is making me realize I am flipping into gay groomzilla with a wedding 1 month away that we have sunk 10k into and have family flying in from all over. eek. Sorry Alana. lol.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Haha, detach pinkchip, lol. Only you know if it is right to go to these family events or not. When people treat me with unacceptable behavior I detach and take my space big time. You wanting an apology is normal, but beyond your control. Al-anon face to face meetings can help you figure out what is yours to take on and what you may have to let go of. This is a stressful time for any family dysfunctional or not, but like I say my family thinks they put the FUN in dysfunctional and by that I mean no fun at all really! I am sending you much love and support on your journey!

StargazerLily · Veteran Member

This group is such a great mirror to help me see my thoughts and feelings more clearly. It's like when you're not sure about something and someone gives you their thoughts and feelings and ESH about it you realize how you feel by whether or not you agree with that perspective. I value and thank each of you for that.

Grateful2be, thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree that my sister probably still values me on some level but it's hard to see it right now. "Sitting in a field with arrows being shot at me" is very much how it feels. Your second response sorta paralyzed me for a moment. I am remembering things that could point to my sister possibly having a problem with alcohol. But, I don't feel qualified to make that judgement but it would answer a lot of the questions I have. Mainly why she would say our parents aren't alcoholics because then maybe it would mean that she is too if her drinking matches theirs or comes close to matching theirs. But I haven't really been around her in a year so I don't know what her habits are lately.

Karma13, I have not done the step work, that is a good suggestion. I will look at 3 and 11. Detaching with love is something I did with my mother years ago and it was working for a while but then I got off track somewhere. Thank you for the reminder.

Breakingfree, I have not been to a counselor in over a year. I sort of hit a wall with it last year and did not have the strength to climb it. Now that I'm beginning to feel better that may be something I pursue. I feel like maybe I didn't make this clear but I have no intention of ruining her wedding or acting ugly at her wedding or anywhere for that matter. I do have major reservations about going but would not make a scene or anything like that.

Deacon, I am working on accepting my sister for who she is. I think the thing is that if the way she is is angry and uncompassionate then I will have to accept her from afar.

Pinkchip, I do appreciate you perspective even though it seems we are at odds. I think the fact that you are getting married gives you the unique ability to see things from where my sister is sitting right now. I hope your wedding goes smoothly and is a joyous occasion for you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your response, Alana. Al-Anon will be a big help to you if you choose to go. I wouldn't have even recognized the disease process in me and in my family members without it.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 08:21:48 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

After all is said and done I pray your sister has a wonderful and joyous wedding. It will be her day and no one else s.

(((( hugs ))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.