Trusting again? - Al-Anon Family Group

onestep33 · Newbie

Trusting again?

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know where you're at, I'm in a similar situation. I will come back later and post more, for now here's a (hug).

Kenny

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi onestep

First off know that there are online meetings here you can attend, twice a day. 9 AM and 9 Pm on weekdays, weekend schedule is slightly different, take a look at the chatroom for more detail. Also there are quite often people hanging in the chatroom that are great to talk to.

My wife became A 4-5 years ago. Because of heavy denial from both of us, I really only realized there was a problem about two years ago. She went into one rehab Fall 2012, and came out pretty good, preaching the AA line. But not too long afterwards she relapsed. Two DUIs later, it's fall of 2013, she is in jail for 10 days without bond since it was parole violation, and was remanded to another rehab.

At that rehab she said "tell me what to do, I'll do it" And she did. her recovery has been remarkable.

I went to Alanon a couple times in late 2012, but I didn't really get it. I thought they were all saying I should leave my wife, even though most of the people in my home group are there with their spouses across the room in AA. But I didn't hear the message right, I wasn't ready.

I went back to Al anon after wife got out of rehab the second time. While she was at the second rehab, I had to go to 2 hours of family education every Saturday to be able to visit her for an hour. At that session, I asked "my wife looks like she is doing OK here, making pretty good progress. now what the hell do I do with all of this anger? I've had to live through this without the anesthetic that she had, and I AM PISSED!" The answer from the counselor, who had 20 years of sobriety, was Al Anon.

So I went again. And this time I heard a different message. I learned about detachment all the things that you are learning about now. But I also found that I could vent to these people and they would nod their heads up and down and give me little snippets of advice after the meeting. They knew where I was coming from, and knew I had to vent. A few weeks ago I shared at meeting, and I got part way through and said "hey, this is great, this is my first share that wasn't really about her!" I was letting go of some of my anger.

I still don't always trust her. I try to give her the amount of trust that I believe she deserves. but as long as she seems to be keeping up in recovery I give her a fair amount of trust.

My first slogan I committed to memory was "say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean" My wife was recovering enough that I started to feel I could talk to her. She had been angry for much of our marriage, and she was starting to come around, and I was starting to trust her. Within two days of her return to our house, I found a box of wine, one of her preferred weapons, out in the garage. I saw it, felt the anger start to swell, and stopped. I thought about it. I realized I couldn't be mean to her, but I did have to say something. So I calmly went inside, said "honey, I just found a box of wine in the garage, what do you want me to do about I?" She looked at me for a second, happy that I wasn't just automatically yelling and assuming it was her fault, and said "dump it out. I don't want to see it!" As I was dumping it out, my son saw me with it, and I asked him if he had seen it before. he reminded me that I had found it while wife was in rehab and decided to put it up there in case I needed to entertain. I dumped it, and at this point, there won't be any entertaining with alcohol in our house.

I was able to give her latitude and make her own decisions. As she made good decisions, I was able to trust a little more. As I was able to vent about it at Al Anon, I was able to get rid of the anger more.

I realized, once she was in recovery, I had only a couple of choices. I could try to help her in her recovery by recovering myself, or risk the alternative, which at the time I thought was her drinking again. I soon enough found out that she valued her sobriety enough that she would have dumped me if I didn't stop triggering her with a lot of passive/aggressive behavior. That was (part of) my part in it. So I stopped. I had grown in trust of her enough, and had had enough Al Anon, that I was able to stop many of those behaviors. So my alternative became change myself or get the heck out, and I changed myself.

She is now 6 months sober, and I am a couple months recovering, and we are probably happier now than we have been in our marriage. But I had to get rid of that anger, figure out what my part was in it, and change some behavior.
And she had to be absolutely devoted to her sobriety.

It sounds like your husband is devoted to his sobriety. Have patience, and you will be able to trust him again, and get some recovery in for yourself. This has been a long journey for both of us, and I'm sure it will be for you as well and so far it has been worth it. I still have the occasional "drunkdar" alert go off, if she sounds strange on the phone. When that happens I have to stop, re-evaluate, get the pit out of my stomach, and plan what I will do if she really is drunk. Those times I still have serenity because I have a plan and boundaries set up. The relapse hasn't happened, but I don't kid myself that it could So I'm still trying for One Day at a Time.

Thanks for reading, I hope this helped, and you don't mind *my* rambling on!

Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the share one step...that reminds me of a couple of lessons I got from sponsorship in early Al-Anon on almost the same topic. The topic was expectations and I use to "what if" all the time until my wise sponsor told me that if I wanted to have balance for every "what if" I came up with I should also ask "what if not"? and right after I was told and taught "kill all your expectations...expectations are future resentments"...I hate resentments and how they control my thinking and attitudes. Keep coming back...welcome to the board. You're qualified to be here. (((((hugs))))) smile

karma13 · Senior Member

trust needs to be rebuilt over time, it is not a quick process, do your best to stay in today and be gentle with yourself ;)

-- Edited by karma13 on Friday 23rd of May 2014 04:34:39 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

For me and I'm no longer with my qualifier .. I'm able to trust my HP and myself to know what is best for me. I learned on these boards to listen with my eyes and not to let my heart lead because of the unrealistic expectations of what I thought he should or shouldn't be doing. Reality is this .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. I only can do my best to express myself in an appropriate way, while allowing my HP to work in my life and letting him to his journey. In my case .. my STBAX is NOT a trustworthy person and until the God of my understanding shows me that he's truly changed .. I don't have to trust him (STBAX). I only have to trust my journey, my HP and myself. I used to beat myself up because I was "suppose" to trust him because he was my husband after all .. 17 years is a lot of damage to undo and while I know I shouldn't live in the past .. until he shows me something different .. I don't "owe" him to trust him. In my journey this is why I couldn't stay with him. I can trust him to try to do the best he can .. which on most days .. it sucks .. that's as far as I trust him.

It IS easier to deal with the A when they aren't around it's just not in your face .. the emotional upheaval that has been caused between two people as well as whole families just isn't there .. it's as if the pink elephant has just become a tiny box and no one has to step around it. It's just no longer there .. and then they come back .. *poof* the pink elephant reappears and no one knows how to walk around it anymore or pretend it's not there. I stopped feeling guilty about the fact that the pink elephant with the scarlet letter A was running around my house and I found as long as I acknowledged it and said .. oh .. I see you there .. there is no need to hide or pretend you aren't there .. the smaller the pink elephant has gotten. Some things just are what they are and I can put a tutu on the pink elephant .. it's still a pink elephant.

Great series to read is Getting Them Sober and I believe Vol 2 addresses the newly sober A's and the feelings that the sig other's go through .. I highly recommend it. Toby Rice Drew I believe is the name of the author, or Toby Drew Rice I get confused on that part. It is not CAL however it talks Alanon and recovery. Very short read and very informational packed .. it is very good for the soul.

Hugs, S :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome One step. Changing attitudes and learning how to respond differently is a process and remember it is progress not perfection. Keep taking care of yourself and coming back.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received great ESH, I just wanted to send you love and support on your recovery journey!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My belief is to never trust an A on program or not. I don't put pressure on anyone as far as trust. I just watch how they are, and love them. They don't even know if they will use again. It may be a second thought and they are drinking. or using other drugs.

Its a disease, they crave alcohol all the time. they have to have a program, a personal map to follow to help them stay sober and work on their character. They may have to work on being on time, not lying, being moral, not steal, manners, thinking about others. Its not just stopping the drug, that is almost nothing if they do not work on the rest with skills.

I like to accept people how they are. If they are always late, and it does not bug me, I am glad that they show up. If they lie, for me I choose not to be around them. '

Plus what do you mean? Trust what? that he won't drink, won't steal, what? He is a very sick person even when he is not drinking. We cannot expect anything.

I am glad he is working hard on his life. I just hope he is in AA or has help, they cannot carry this off with out help.

let him figure that out. debilyn

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