Need advice on sharing information - Al-Anon Family Group

Beeker · Newbie

Need advice on sharing information

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, this is Grateful2be, and not necessarily Al-Anon: I share with my family the truth about what is going on with my AS. I won't keep secrets for him and I won't try to decide how everybody else should think or feel about it. I also have learned that it is up to my AS whether or not he goes for treatment or whether or not he uses. We've been the route of rehab, AA, NA, jail, prison and I quit climbing even on the rehab train with him bumping along the same tracks at different speeds over different terrains and ending right back up where we started. I limit my exposure to him depending on what kind of shape he is in and what I'm willing to do and not do. Al-Anon and a therapist who understands alcoholism/substance abuse and is a certified addictions specialist has been a big help to me. My son is in his 30s, too. He'll keep doing what he's always done until he decides he wants to re-enter a recovery program in earnest. I will continue to support and assist myself in the Al-Anon program.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 22nd of May 2014 06:56:55 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you need to get with your own program. Al-Anon teaches us to take care of ourselves, focus on us rather than them. He is going to drink or not, what will YOU do? That's one of the wisest sentences I encountered in Al-Anon. Meetings, readings, research; living our life for US rather than for them. What can you do to stop a speeding train? Nothing, except step back and not let the train hit you.

Beeker · Newbie

Thanks both of you for your responses. I am trying to disengage and not worry myself about his choices, knowing I can't control him and he'll seek help when he's ready. If he wants to prioritize a new job or moving over his sobriety right now, there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm in an awkward spot because my parents and I are still paying for his rather expensive recovery coach (parents drained their emergency fund to pay for rehab). We've prepaid through July and have discussed paying through October if my brother wants to stick with the coach. But if it's not working, I wonder if I should let my parents know. Part of me thinks they should be able to make an informed decision about continuing their financial support; the other part of me feels like it's tattling.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

You should be worrying about you I think as well. BUT - I assume they are asking you if you have heard from your brother and how he is doing. I don't see a reason to lie about any of it. They are trying to help him, and they need to be able to evaluate whether they think they are wasting money or not on him. And then maybe could use some help to see if this has turned into full-blown enabling.

Kenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If you were one or both of your parents, what would you want? To learn that your son is throwing away your trust and your emergency savings after you've spent that and scrounged around to find more because you trusted he was getting the help he needed and your daughter knew the truth and kept it to herself or would you want at least one of your kids to be honest with you before you mortgage your house? Keeping secrets can often keep the disease flourishing in my experience.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Open and honest always works especially within a disease that employs dishonesty to keep growing and progressing worse and worse. The suggestion of Al-Anon is a best one for me cause that is what I've done and not only for you. Your parents could be open to it also. There is lots of information in the meetings that you can get a hold of to bring you and your parents up to speed on this cunning, powerful and baffling disease of addiction. You will hear the 3 Cees...You did not CAUSE it, cannot CONTROL it and will not be able to CURE it. Surest thing you can do is take care of yourself and Al-Anon is a front door for that. Keep coming back here also...we are family in support. ((((hugs)))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a series of books "getting them sober" by Toby rice drews that helped me immensely when trying to learn detachment. I also think al-anon face to face meetings can help you like they have for me. You have done a lot for someone who needs to learn to stand on their own 2 feet. It shows that you love him and want to show your support for him. Take good care of yourself! Sending you love and support on your journey!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not easy, but he is an adult. What he does in none of our business. Plus as you can see,we can do nothing to help him. So the best thing to do is to allow him the right he has, to live his life as he will.

Allowing him to decide his own choices does not include us even making a phone call for them. NOTHING about his disease or life is any of our business. How would you like it if people tried to run your life? He has the same desire to make his own decisions.

Plus our interference makes him worse.

We learn in Al Anon to live our own lives. I don't believe in sharing things that may come out as gossip. If someone asks I say you will have to talk to him. It is HIS disease, his life and he has a right to share what he wants to. what good does it do to share it when no one but him can do anything anyway.

It takes the whole thing off us to allow others to share their own lives, take care of there own things and plans.

YOu are very loving and caring, give it to yourself. Give this energy and worry to HP.

Beeker · Newbie

Thanks all for your advice. I've decided that I'm not going to mention anything to my parents unprompted, but if they ask me directly I'm not going to hide the truth, either. As for the coach, I'll ask him in July if he wants three more months, and if he does I'll help him, but that will be the last help I offer. If he's not employed at the end of that period, it means he blew this California opportunity due to his drinking and he'll have to deal with those consequences. And, as we all know, AA and SmartRecovery are free.

Just as background, the only reason we're supporting him right now financially is because he's a recent grad and he had to turn down a work assignment to go to rehab. Our deal was that if he went we'd make sure he didn't have to worry about bills, etc. while he was gone and for a few months after he came back. It's not in his character to exploit us financially on purpose, but I do think after a certain point we'll be wasting our money.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It may not be in his character but it is part of alcoholism to exploit theor loved ones. It is the people that love the addicts that don't want to see the exploitation, causing them to fund and enable further addictions. He had to turn down a work assignment because of his addictions, not because of rehab. Sounds like he can count on being bailed out and has no reason to stop draining his financial resources.

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