Welcome to Miracles in Progress and Alanon family group,

Alanon is for you if you feel you have been affected by a spouse or another person's drinking or using. You may feel like your life is out of control and is unmanageable.

You may feel a bunch of other emotions. I hope you will share with us your story, we all have one.

If at this time you don't feel like sharing , please read the experiences and struggles of the other board members, you can learn just by observing.

Don't go away , please stay , you will find that we share a lot in common and will help you make better choices for more serenity in your life.

Hugs, Bettina

I am married to a man that has not had a drink for 21 years, my mother was a alcoholic so im very aware of how AA works but I never went to any groups myself. Even though he is "clean" he has several times over the last 4 years of our relationship abused prescription pain meds but he never has picked up a white chip or even admitted to it openly. He was also a drug user, again he hasn't used "street" drugs in 21 years either. He has always been somewhat outspoken but his behavior has escalated. He has many times in our marriage called me a slut, whore, gold digger, selfish bitch......etc etc... has accused me of cheating, of lying. If we do not have sex everyday his behavior is negative. This last time he grew angry it had been 3 days since sex. He woke me up in middle of night furious calling me names telling me to GTF out, he wanted a divorce on and on (not new when he is mad) I no longer cry when this happens like I used to. After several minutes of it I left the bed and went into another part of house trying to get "peace" He came to where I was 30 min. later and demanded I give him my phone. His mother also lives with us, I care for her as well as I run a new business. I gave him my phone. He started going through everything convinced I am chatting with men, cheating. When I confronted him to give me my phone back he pushed me and I fell into a large piece of exercise equipment, told me to gtf up I wasn't hurt and if I was hurt it was my fault for provoking him. Then I went back to other part of house, he immediately followed me-this time requesting my ipad. I refused. It was all I had left to the outside world..... He straddled me picked up a mag light from table and told me if I woke his mother up he would kill me and bury me in our woods. He pried my fingers from my ipad. I followed him to Living Room and he told me GTF away from him. I again asked him to please return my phone and ipad. he hit me twice with back on hand on side of head then shoved me to sofa and put his knee into my stomach again threatening me. I retrieved my old ipad from my purse and was trying to make contact with anyone at this point. He came into room with gun the last time. he sit on sofa and handed me my phone and my iPhone and then gave me gun and told me to shoot him. Of course I told him to take his gun and go away. The following day he was a perfect husband asking how I am everyday even wanting to see my bruises. said he's sorry. He stays on me to go to a local Al Anon meeting but its a small town and nothing is kept confidential. He uses the term dry drunk for all his anger, all of his outburst. That I've never dealt with. He is my third husband. Yes I am the daughter of a alcoholic mother. She dies 9 years ago at age 57 from it, I was also sexually molested by my step father from age 9 until 14. My first husband was emotionally and verbally abusive and cheated on me. My second husband was just emotionally unavailable but in general he was a good man. maybe too normal and I couldn't handle it. My husband also doesn't allow me to go anywhere out of town to visit a friend, I can't even go visit my grandfather 15 miles away without feeling guilty but he says it's "me" controlling HIM?

I understand how to obtain personal help. I think I'm trying to understand the "why" in his behavior.

Unfortunately, victims of domestic abuse spend too much time trying to understand "why." If someone was about to kill you, would it be more important to get help or know why?

Why? I dunno, something snapped in him. He has more pressure lately, he doesn't go to enough meetings, he is in denial, he is simply a controlling and abusive person. All of these things? It doesn't matter. Knowing why wont stop it from happening again.

I was living with an abusive A. There is no reason why they do it that will ever make rational sense. The questions I asked myself were: "Did I want to live this way the rest of my life?" "Where can I get help?" "How can I get myself and my kids out of this situation with this crazy man without escalating the violence?"

Hi blue,

You can come to Al Anon meetings online here twice a day if you like. They are great, and there are many in those meetings who have gone through similar domestic violence situations.

I know you don't want him to lose his firearms license, I hope you don't lose your life instead. This is a scary sounding situation, it sounds like you feel like you are capable of taking care of yourself, please do.

YOU are not the problem. We have the 3 Cs here. You didn't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking, and you won't cure him of it. Think about that, it may change your way of thinking.

In Alanon we follow the same 12 steps that AA does, it sounds like you may be familiar with them. Step 1 says that we admit that we are powerless over alcohol. Once you understand that, you discover that you have the power only to change yourself, no one else, including your husband, MIL, etc.

Dry drunk in my mind is the same as wet drunk, just without the excuse that chemicals give to act erratic. When my wife was in rehab, she learned there is a difference between chemical sobriety and emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety is what an A should be looking for, when my AW achieved emotional sobriety I never again wondered was she drinking, I could tell that she wasn't.

Keep coming back
Kenny

Protecting an abuser from what needs to be a natural consequence of his actions is not the responsibility of the abused. It is the abused's responsibility to protect himself or herself sooner rather than later. I'm not sure there isn't a more conservative way to do that then to defend yourself with a gun. Are there shelters located in the City that is 15 miles away from your home? Or 30 miles if necessary? If he's acted out this way once, he will do it again. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed because another person behaved in the way he did is part of what can keep us stuck in the cycle which plays itself out over and over again. The "I'm sorry" game is part of that cycle. I'm sorry is what one says for something minor. Domestic assault is not minor. It also is a hook that can keep us in the cycle. The buildup of interior anger towards being treated that way in us can reach fury pitch, too, and we can be unaware of it's intensity. We either turn it in on ourselves and are sick all the time with something that can be debilitating on a physical or emotional level or it gets thrust outward. That, too, is part of the cycle. The way to break the pattern is to call one or all of the numbers Betty has posted on the board for you and get help from folks who are in the business to help you get out of that situation.

When I was being abused and tortured, there was nothing in place for women like me. I still was able to get out of it by the grace of God. Now, there are places for those of us who need the outside support of organizations that can help us. Domestic Assault is not something we have to handle on our own anymore. And we don't have to stay stuck in the cycle.

Sending you lots of encouragement to call for help and keep calling until you find the door that will open for you as a gateway out of that situation and into the life you were meant to live.