The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A member shared tonight on unacceptable behaviour and it got me thinking. When you read the CAL there are a lot of readings on unacceptable behaviour. There are plenty on the A's unacceptable behaviour but there are also many readings on our own unacceptable behaviour. One reading talks about how we can be hard on ourselves, if we make a mistake we can think we are stupid and incapable and all sorts of negative labels are used in our own minds. This is unacceptable behaviour, we wouldn't treat our friends in this way, we would accept them much more easily than we accept ourselves.
Another part of our unacceptable behaviour is how we treat the alcoholics in our lives. For me, I can see where my own behaviour was unacceptable, I could be mean and bitter towards him, I blamed him for everything that was wrong in my life, I manipulated him and controlled him. One person I know was quite violent with their Ah, while he was drunk she would batter him.
I think its important for us to own up to our own unacceptable behaviour without justifications. I used to say well no wonder I did that, he made me, I would never behave like that if it wasn't for him and his drinking. You know how it goes. this kind of thinking kept me from growing into an adult. I was his enabler but he was mine because everything was his fault so I didn't have to take responsibility for my own actions, just like him.
Its actually quite liberating to admit when you have behaved badly and own it, it takes courage and when it feels unfamiliar can be difficult but for me I broke through the wall and i think this may be the very point when I turned into an adult. Now that I do own my own bad behaviour these days, it feels uncomfortable when I behave badly and I am much more likely to behave the way I want to behave. In a way that gives me no guilt and is easy and comfortable to live with. Im proud of myself for this to be honest, it has given me back my self respect.
I would love to know what you guys think of unacceptable behaviour and did you behave badly whilst living with alcoholism?
Hi -- I am brand-new here, just registered an account tonight, and I did so because of exactly what you are discussing. I've behaved pretty terribly in my adult life in my relationships and I've blamed much of it on growing up with an alcoholic father. Just recently I began to realize that I have to own my actions -- just because I grew up with someone who made my life miserable doesn't mean that I don't have the responsibility to treat other people miserably.
Anyway, not sure how much I want to share here (even though it's anonymous), just wanted to say that your post is the first thing I saw when I got here and it really spoke to me. It's exactly what I came here for. Thank you.
My unacceptable behavior came mostly in staying with him and allowing him the control of our lives to a large degree. I wasn't a screamer or abusive towards him but I was a pleader and a crier. I spent a lot of time trying to convince him that our lives and the lives of the kids were going down the drain which was really one of those "talk to the hand" kinds of useless energies that just gave him more time to keep on doing what he'd always done.
My unacceptable behavior was always trying to convince and control my son. I just knew in my heart he was going to see it my way and change his life around.
Many wasted years...
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I was quiet and never talked about my needs, or dreams....therefore he (dry drunk) never knew what I wanted or needed. Mainly because I never knew. Being raised in an alcoholic family with a submissive mother who said "don't say anything they don't care anyway." If you don't know any better at the time, Iam not sure if that qualified as unacceptable behavior? I do know it will never happen again. ..... og
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
My unacceptable behavior was pretty much staring in disbelief while he threw things, raged uncontrollably, convinced me he wasn't a cheater. Lied to my face and I pretended he was telling the truth. Not phoning the police and changing my locks because I believed his mother who was member of Alanon was "telling" me that was not Alanon. My biggest unacceptable behavior was not listening to my own instincts and seeking advice.
Great Post el-cee...my very first resentment against Al-Anon came in the very early days of recovery. The reading of the 4th step I knew what that pronoun "ourselves" suggested and it of course took my focus off of the alcoholic/addict just long enough to make me gasp. I was there after all because it was about "her problem" and even though I didn't know anything about the disease she was taking the full hit for it from me. When I finally relaxed and allowed myself to do the first three steps in order and to learn what the disease and program was about I started to become available and willing to find my parts and own them. It wasn't trite or simple because when I went after the 4th seriously lots of deep stuff began to come loose and I got to face it, own it and rid my life of it. It's great that we have a 10th step which continues to guide us in making those changes more permanent. Being human and responsible for and to myself is daily work. ((((hugs))))
Cw, this is a good place, the bad behaviour is one of the symptoms of our own disease or sickness that often comes from living with an alcoholic. Dont be too hard on yourself, alanon is like the medicine, it helped me forgive myself and im a much healthier person now. Glad you reached out and hopoe to listen to more of your story when you feel ready.x
How long have I got to answer this question?!
My unacceptable behaviour included snooping; thinking that I could influence my husband's drinking; thinking that I must have done something wrong and that I deserved to be cheated on; forgetting my dignity; expecting others to adapt their behaviour to look after my needs; thinking that I needed to solve his drinking problem before looking after other things in my life (which probably would have been much easier to do! ); running away from problems; stuffing my feelings; focusing on others instead of owning my own thoughts; thinking I was right but not doing right for me; Not forgiving myself for what I've done; putting my life on hold for a disease; avoiding time with people I love; withdrawing.
Time to retrain my mind methinks!
I feel quite uncomfortable reading about our own unacceptable behaviuor, because I have and still have many, I was an emotional blackmailer, and a sulker, a controller, and i was ever so rigid in my thinking such as, if I did A, hubby should do B, and for years and years and years that was my operating system, of course as time went on i began to suffer depression and migraines, it was at the end of all of this that I lost sight of even, who I was, after one seriously bad bout of my husband drinking and me screaming like a mad women I cannot live with this anymore, he stopped cold turkey, in 2006 and has not drank since, he has said to me quite a few times since then, whats your problem now? now that I don't drink, and I reply it's all the damage you have done to me when you did drink, and he will say but I am not doing that now, I wanted him to stop drinking when I wanted him to, I was not prepared for him doing it in his own time, and I do not like how that left me feeling about myself, I didn't know how to be anything else but a moaning controlling complaining resentful person towards him, I thought how very dare you stop in your own time and just expect us to live happily ever after, alanon is the help that I need to help me understand me, my husband maybe goes to aa a couple of times a year in the summer, the biggest shock to me is that it wasn't all about the drinking and I had started to use my husbands drinking as a habit to behave badly and think that was ok, trouble thing was, when his drinking stopped I behaved even worse for a while, I often think how very strong willed both me and my husband are, many times it has become a battle of wills, thats when I have to use, is it better to be happy or right, the last eight years of my husband not drinking I have noticed so much about myself and my life in general in and out of the home, in my heart I still wish I could really sit down and tell him and for him to actually listen and understand how hard it is to love him and trust him and feel safe and secure, he is so very sensitive as am I, and mostly he will say, I have stopped drinking now, so what more do you want? I would love him to have faith and trust in something other than himself and experience trying new ways of being that brings out the best in himself and other people, as I feel he still operates in a very negative frame of mind, luckily for me alanon counter balances this for me, and for us as a couple, because I am able to button it now SOMETIMES, for me now learning to practice to say less and gain more!
When we talked about this topic at my F2F meeting, in terms of our own unacceptable behavior, I immediately saw myself creeping around checking my then husband's pockets, wallet, phone, email. He is a musician and I would look through his instrument case--it was insanity. For me, I remember realizing, "I cannot be a person who does this". It actually helped me in my decision to end the marriage because there were no major changes happening that would stop me from this compulsion either. I recognize it as unacceptable, and had to change my life because of it.
I remember as it were today coming home and going immediately to the garage to see if my alcoholic parent's car was there. Ugh I finally promised myself not to do that. I promised myself to spend the rest of the day in a behavior that honors me. That meant not to dwell in fear of someone else's actions and words. Thank you AlAnon steps and meetings.
I had to percolate a bit on this one since I read it yesterday. Of course there were and still are unacceptable behaviors that are too numerous to mention, less now than before, but they are still present. One of the biggies was buying into how others thought I needed to or should live my life and trying to summon up the behaviors to live into those beliefs. If I was being true to me, maybe some of the other unacceptable behaviors would not have happened?? I don't really know...what I do know for sure that the behaviors that work now are those that support "to thine own self be true". Great post.
I like this topic and it is one of the main reasons I feel that I need to re-do step 4. Like Grateful, I was a pleader and a crier, mostly to manipulate my AH into changing. I don't do those things anymore, but I know I am constantly assessing my own behavior and trying to figure out my own part and how I can behave and think differently. It's true that alcoholism is a disease of stinking thinking, but so is our side of the street. We get so wrapped up in self-pity and victim mode that we forget that we have choices: on how to treat ourselves and on how to treat others. Thank you for this post!
Manipulation, drama, anger, threats, feeling superior, playing the victim, having pity parties, yelling, engaging in unsane arguments, not setting boundaries and then being indignant when they weren't respected, expecting people to be mind readers, obsessing on AH, raging, fault picking, blaming AH for everything. ........ and the list goes on. These are the ones that come first to my mind.
I didn't realise how insane and exhausting this all was.
); running away from problems; stuffing my feelings; focusing on others instead of owning my own thoughts; thinking I was right but not doing right for me; Not forgiving myself for what I've done; putting my life on hold for a disease; avoiding time with people I love; withdrawing.