Resentment - Al-Anon Family Group

1lostmom · Member

Resentment

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand the frustration, the hurt, the fatigue, the resentment - all of it. And, I know where I found help - inside myself. I couldn't change him, but I could change me. Al-Anon helped give me the support I needed and the tools to change what I could change - myself. I'm still a work in progress. I still have a ways to go. There is no one in my life now that orders me around (mine used to refer to himself as the captain of the ship) nor is there anybody who screams at me. That wasn't always true, but it is now. You can search for meetings in your area using the telephone book or the internet. You can also check at the World Service Office of Al-Anon on-line and download literature that can help you in the short term.
You are doing all you can do and there might be some things you can also stop doing - regardless of his behavior (except domestic assault or threats which can result in you pursuing legal action against him and a restraining order). There is hope for you and for your child whether or not he stops drinking and people who understand this disease and how it affects us. Al-Anon is for us and not the drinker. We go to help ourselves. Please come back here, too. We get it. You are not alone.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 21st of May 2014 12:00:22 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I support all that grateful posted. There are a few things that I keep with me at all times: 1. I am not a victim, although I have been victimized and sometimes people still try because that is what some people do 2. I have choices, even when I tell myself I don't. 3. I teach people how to treat me (from Dr. Phil). It took much recovery work through al anon to bcome assertive and self nurturing...as we say in al anon: It works if you work it and you are worth it smile . Keep coming back!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
1. I am not a victim, although I have been victimized and sometimes people still try because that is what some people do 2. I have choices, even when I tell myself I don't. 3. I teach people how to treat me.

What Grateful said and what PP said .. this is to the point and to the heart .. before I came to Alanon I really didn't get that I had choices in situations where I saw no hope for myself. It really was up to me getting out of the fear .. getting out of the hurt .. and I cause myself more pain than the A did because I didn't realize I had choices (*gasp* I know .. that was a tough one .. lol). It's a weird dichotomy. I also learned not to take things the A does personally although that is also a tough one when it comes to the kids, my mama bear claws come out in protection of them. Children have no choice and no voice in these matters and most people really want to believe that if they cover enough for the A that the kids don't know .. and trust me kids aren't that naïve. Or as naïve as we want to believe they are .. they know. At least mine sure did although my youngest doesn't have similar memories as my oldest does. He sees things that I didn't have a clue he was aware of.

Keep coming back it really does get better and you are really worth it. :)

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi mom

Before Al Anon, I too didn't understand that I had choices. I was so depressed, and so tired, that I automatically put up with whatever was thrown at me. After some time here and at f2f meetings, I started to understand that I actually have choices. And that I have feelings, and it's Ok to feel them, but not to be ruled by them.

For example, you say "I am not in a position where I can leave ". I of course have no idea of what your situation is, but after being able to clear your head and sit back and think instead of be exhausted and react, you might be able to reevaluate that statement. You also might be able to change the way your react to your A husband, and you could actually have serenity in your life without leaving. How great would that be? Many people here have found serenity by either of those paths.

Keep coming back!

Kenny

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Please, please, please get yourself to an alanon meeting. You are all of us. You are me. I see so much in what you say. You are also seeing life in black and white. We learn to see the shades of gray.

Maybe you don't think you are in a position to leave, but you could leave for a few hours and totally enjoy your life with your daughter. I still wash my hubby's clothes with mine but I refuse to put them away. They lay on the end of his side of the bed until he takes care of it.... or he can throw them on the floor where they will stay as a testament to his attitude. I make dinner for all of us but it may be pizza tonight, or Chinese take out.

Little by little you will make choices that help you get your depression lifted.

Take care of yourself.

ct1203 · Member

The jealousy you wrote of is truly a hard emotion to deal with. I still get upset at my co-workers, friends, and others who have supportive and actively involved spouses. I have to remind myself that my A is not capable of that support, although it still sucks. But remember you are not alone here. Like others have said keep coming back.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I saw something on here somewhere that said "Resentment is the co-alcoholic's hangover". it couldn't have been more true for me when my AW was active. I remember when I read that, a light bulb or two lit up in my head about what I was doing to myself.''

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know for me, when I went to a domestic violence group I sure learned a lot. I invite you to do the same. You and your child are being horribly abused. You said you know this is no situation for a baby. Believe me your child now is being affected in ways you cannot imagine.

There are always options if we want to change our lives, protect our kids. When we have a job that helps and adds even more options. there are many programs to help people like you in your situation. A single parent is offered many things, including more education. I went back to college and worked full time, but was home when my kids were.

Its hard for many of us to hear of your being abused.

I know for me, the first time someone ever put me down, they would be shown the door.

Treat me with the respect I deserve!

I will not allow anyone to talk to me that way. I had a bedroom, big one with a bathroom. Had the AH put a door out. tv phone etc. too put food in there. I locked the door and he knew I needed space. Now if one pounds on the door, breaks the door, call the police! Let him answer to his behavior. YOur child needs a place of serenity!

Yes there are options and you can pm with anyone to explore some.

I am glad you are venting this out. It will help you really see the situation you are in. hugs!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.