Does the Lying ever end? - Al-Anon Family Group

mongowal · Veteran Member

Does the Lying ever end?

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Holy cow .. you are singing my song. What I can tell you is the truth always comes out and the way it comes out is as they show their cray cray to the world. Mine told the kids we went to counseling, it just didn't work out my daughter 14 at the time set him straight and told him .. dad .. I know exactly why you and mom got a divorce. He sat in stunned silence and at least had the good sense to shut his mouth. He remembers so little of the lies he tells he doesn't realize he told her why we were getting divorced. The posts on Facebook are the hardest and I would actually encourage you .. when you are ready to block him. What you know is painful enough .. I do figure God gives me the information I need when I need it. My stbax actually blocked me and did me a HUGE favor. Now you may ask what happened to the skank de jour of his alcoholic fog .. supposedly she has seen the light and moved on which cost him dearly as in a visit to the psych ward and criminal charges against him. So when you are wondering when this all comes out .. trust me .. maybe not today .. maybe not tomorrow .. maybe not even in a year .. it will come out and all I can say in the meantime get out the popcorn and watch. I really threw a mutual friend when they asked me an insane question about me holding up the divorce .. imagine their surprise when I laughed and said um it's public record you want the details by all means have a look. They want the divorce they don't want the divorce .. they don't know what they want. So all I can say is take the high road .. keep doing the next right thing because it's seriously hard to hide crazy. The other thing I want to be clear about is .. you want that divorce judge in your court. NOT adding to the idea you are the "crazy" one because sister you are NOT! Maybe in the past no one gets out of an alcoholic relationship without the stench of damage. It just is what it is .. so do hold your program close .. no to answer your question the lying doesn't stop because that means accepting responsibility and until recovery hits the road in terms of really working a program of recovery .. the original tramp is going to get a two headed Dragon. Big hugs .. you are doing just fine stick to your side of the street. I have some great dark fantasies that I have written about if you want a good warped laugh. It helps deal with the hurt. S ;)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

In response to your header - "No, the lying never ends in an active A." With that said, it doesn't take long for people after awhile to start questioning what they are hearing if they are close to the A. After awhile, some may question their own sanity, too, since the disease isn't personal. It does what it does with whomever and wherever it chooses.

My x used to tell one whopper after another. I just let him say what he wanted to say. I couldn't stop it anyway. The only time I interfered with his bologna was when he had told his new gf that the reason he did drugs was because I'd had an affair with his brother within earshot of my kids. My son was furious with me and confused. My daughter was furious with her Dad because she knew it wasn't true. I called his brother on this one and he handled it. That lie stopped - at least around my kids. This gf became his wife for about 8 months. By the end of that time, she knew what I knew.

I didn't talk a lot about my marriage or the reason for the end of it to many back then. I simply made the best of a very difficult and challenging situation. I have to admit that by the time I divorced him - I didn't care much what he said about me. I'd had an earful and a stomach full of the disease. I just wanted to take care of my children the best way I could and make a new life for myself.

We are as powerless over the lying as we are over the rest of the disease. The good news is we aren't lying to ourselves and we know we deserve relationships that aren't fraught with continual drama and perpetual hurt. What other people think of me truly isn't my business and I'm not their business either. I can't stop gossip anymore than I can stop the wind from blowing. You are doing what you can to practice program and this, too, shall pass.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of May 2014 07:44:51 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If he said and did all that, then he's a loser and who cares who he fools? You are just hurting because this wound is new and fresh. After more time passes, you will view him and his lies as pathetic and not be so hurt. Your saving grace is not what anyone else thinks about you. It's what you think about yourself and your relationship to your HP.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I just wanted to mention all kinds of people lie, not just alcoholics. My first husband was not A and he was cheating on me for years. He lied about it for years. People who cheat don't want to get caught or "look bad" so they lie. Sorry you are going through this. I gave up on trying to figure out the truth...there was no truth anyway!

jillybean1 · Senior Member

I like the slogan.....what other people think of you....is none of your business. So let him spout his lies, they will catch up to him and you certainly shouldn't have to defend yourself to anyone due to alcohol induced delusions.

That other saying is true as well........what goes around , comes around. He probably is doing everything in his power to hurt you, but only YOU can control how you react. Hang in there!!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It just does not matter what he says. What is he to you now? What matters is you. You are a lady, the people you care about know this. If they ask and you want to share, I don't see why not.

Me, simply would say, no it was not mutual. He chose to cheat on me with another woman.

Plus they are not stupid. they know.

I would ignore him, not look on his fb, not take his calls, texts nothing. His behavior has shown him to not be the man you thought he was.

Maybe state one day is it. Start "clean" let it all go, walk on your own path. Make it beautiful, happy, worthwhile. Give a gift to you!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear a lot about your STBX and what he is doing and saying here. I hope you can focus on you and take good care of you. Local face to face meetings, reading lots of al-anon literature, MIP and my sponsor helped me pick up the pieces of my life through my divorce and after. I am sending you love and support on your recovery journey!

HL · Newbie

I know my bf 4 years ago when he was drunk but I do not know how serious is his drinking problem.

Things was tough in these 4 years and I have been though the most tough moment in my life living with a alcoholic. Not only that he is always angry and complaining, when he is not, he is drinking. He mess up a lot of jobs and I always have to lied and covered up his mistake, this go on for 4 years and he still shamelessly ask me to help him to get jobs but he will drink the day when I tell him he got a job.

In these 4 years the only thing that keep me in this relationship is I hope he will at least be faithful to me. And many time he will promise and convince me. He will set password on his phone, his ipad, his laptop to prevent me from looking into his thing, while I am open and I let him read anything he want and there is nothing to hide.

As much as I would love to believed him, I know he is always texting and calling one of his fling that he knew before he knew me, He said she is a old friend but she clearly want more from her text and email. She even offer him alcohol just so he will go over to hang out with her.

Things went worst when he start to turn off his phone and party until 3pm the next day. I cannot reach him the whole night and this month he went missing for 4 days without coming home and he turn off his phone most of the time.

On the 4th day, I tried calling him, he told me he is drunk and he had a small hotel room, i overheard a woman voice at the back, I ask who is that and he hang up on me (may be he is scare the woman find out about he have a gf). I was devastated that night I keep calling and calling for over 100 time on his phone... I lost my mind.. I cried so hard so hard... I even have to call SOS just to help me stay strong and not to do stupid thing.

The next day he return home and said I listen wrongly... and he said he is just drunk and sleeping all the time. He act like it is just a get away to have some peace

Today when he start drinking again when i told him i get him a job. He stay out the whole night again and off his phone. And then come home to pretend he is good. I saw the chat room message he had with his good friend oversea (female) that he met some girl in the last party and she did a lot of naughty things to him. I am sad. I am angry.. heart broken too.. for four years I pay for his expenses and I give him the best I can afford and I suffer his unbelievable behavior and try my best to help him to stop drinking but this is what I get....

He even told his female friend this girl give him pill and may be it is so fun that he went missing for 4 days....

I find every excuse for me to stay in his life and to trust him, I even blindly convince myself to give him the time to improve, to work on it, to be a better person...

Now I know the 4 days he is with another woman, someone I do not know and I do not bother to find out... I think it is time I end this insane life

It is time I tell myself he is not worth all these suffering.

He tell me he crave for drinking but he have the record of sober for a year and for few months, and he choose to have that high feeling because it is too enjoyable... I wish I have the unconditional love for him (provided he is faithful and loyal to me)...

Lately I am very worried and scare that I will give my kids a bad family, they will have to grow up in a abuse family because of alcoholism and they will eventually have to deal with a sad and unhealthy life, baby sit a drunk, manage their life and manage a alcoholic father and a sad mother... No... I do not want my kid to grow up like that especially when I am not even sure he will be a faithful husband.

I am glad that the chatroom message wake me up and help me to make my choice. I guess my god have his way of doing things, I ask for his help, instead, he let me go though a very tough stage to let me see more clearly and open up my eyes.

I will now have to wait till he sober up and end this relationship forever. There will be no turning back and there will be no friendship. If it end, it end forever.

After I end this relationship I will see a doctor to heal my inner self and to help me to stay strong and be normal, too much suffering for the last 4 years and I need time to heal.

I hope one day I will heal and I will no longer want to have him in my life ever again.

We will walk the path if you stay truthful and loyal even if you drink, but when you cheated and cheat for the sack of having fun there is no turning back...

HL · Newbie

Tonight is going to be really tough and yet I have to stay strong. I made the decision and I will stick to it and hopefully sort out a new life without him. After I met him I lost all my social life, nobody want to hang out and keep listen to the same sad story, slowly I have no friends, he don't have many friends too so I stay in with him most of the time. I know I will be alone because we are together 24 hours everyday. I will stay strong for myself. I will heal and walk out of this suffering. I will pray to my god to help me to stay strong to walk out of this one day. It is not easy and I have been crying so much until my eye sight is bad now...

Dear God, please help me to stay strong.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HL,

Have you looked into Al Anon? You can get lots of good literature and help there, and it is free. It is full of people who have had similar problems, and want to help people who are in the middle of their problems overcome them. In Alanon we put the focus back on us, take it off the alcoholic. We find that we didn't cause the alcoholism, can't cure it or control the alcoholism. So we focus on the one thing we find we can change - ourselves. We need to recover from the craziness that the alcoholic puts us through. We still have to be able to raise our kids and have as good a family as we can.

We also have online meetings here. I see you are in Singapore, and the meetings are 9 AM and 9 PM Eastern US time, so they could probably work out well for you timing-wise. Also, if you look you should be able to find face to face meetings there as well.

We will all pray for you. Please do seek out help, you will need it to get through this, and know that Al Anon is there to help.

Regards
Kenny

HL · Newbie

Thank you Kenny.

I did not go to AA or Al Anon at all. He do not believed in AA and he do not want me to be with a group of sad people. And I guess that if I am in this group it will kind of remind him that he is not normal. He used to attend the AA with his mum when he is in his home town (USA) but he hate it so much, he feels it is just a batch of people sharing sad story and he did not benefit from it at all.

His mum have been very kind and also supportive because she know the pain I am going though. My bf have a alcoholic father and he start drinking since 9 years old. He is always left alone with two big brother that always bully him and they are also not good kids.

His mum always ask me to go Al Anon, I guess she know what is coming and she want me to be prepared for the stress and insane life. I never went, and then I was too ashamed to even tell anyone about my sad life, the situation get worst and worst.

No friends want to keep hearing the same story and still see you with the same guy. Slowly the friends are gone...

The stress further set in as he mess up too many jobs and it also affect me greatly on my reputation and lost of business. He cannot even hold a one day job. And even when he drink he still insist he can do the job and he drag everyone into deep shit by report work drunk. Slowly I am covering all the expenses at home and he still drink and shamelessly ask for job again and expect me to put everyone at risk.

He always take advantage of using different med / supplement to aid in his drinking. He will drink non-stop 24 hours until he hit rock bottom and too pain to continue then he stop to detox, to recover, and I have to take care of him during that stage, he expect me to do that.

During these 4 years there are time where he become abusive physically whenever I get mad over his flirting issue. After that he will tell me that I deserve it even when he saw that I have jaw problem for 6 months due to his physical abusive in anger when he drink. And then he get mad at me for making him angry and bring out the worst in him and now he have to live with it that he do that to me. Later he told me that he is sorry and he will never do that again. I did not go to the doctor because he do not like the doctor to find out why I hurt myself, he is very concern about his image in front of people when he is sober, he will make sure I cover for him and his facebook is totally clean.

HL · Newbie

The reason I look though his thing is because I need to know the true to let me decide if I should believe him. When someone keep lying all the time, and being sneaky, I can only try to find out the true and then make my own choice just like he make his choice to drink.

I wish I go to AA earlier to seek help and support.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If you are wanting to change what you can change, then attending AA meetings if you drink and want to stop will help you do that. If you are wanting to change what you can change and don't drink but know that you are affected by his drinking, then Al-Anon meetings will help you do that.

Wishing you went earlier won't help you. Going to a meeting will. Sending lots of encouragement and hugs as you decide what you want to do for you.

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Go to f2f meeting. It really help to see people being stuck in the same situation as you. That it is not you but the disease that are causing A to treat us that way. We are sick because of it too. We need to find our own value. Take care of yourself first. If you can, moving out maybe easier than asking him to leave since he can get violent.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.