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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The Brain Damage . .
Post Info TOPIC: The Brain Damage . .
SerenityRUS


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The Brain Damage . .
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I kind of had an A-HA moment in terms of realizing that there is a good probability my STBAX will never be close to being the same man I married .. I don't think he was ok then .. however the progressiveness of the disease is unreal.  I don't know why this struck me so hard last night.  I consider myself fairly educated in terms of what happens to someone's brain over long term use of alcohol, however it really hit me the long term use of alcohol AND the script drugs he was also taking.  I do think that played a big factor in his spiraling out of control as quickly as he did and the fact that his short term memory is just shot.  I mean unless it's related to what HE wants or needs .. it's completely negated in his mind. 

Which kind of brings me to my own behavior of trying to rationalize with a drunk .. sober or not it doesn't matter in dealing with him because his brain is so wired differently than mine is and that is really, really sad to say the least. 

I was informed about the cats on 4/30 and I have asked him to participate in terms of finding the youngest a home .. the reason being .. this was his cat too.  Supposedly he worked at a shelter (volunteer, church thing) .. supposedly .. supposedly, supposedly .. who knows the truth of it all obviously he doesn't know either.  I mean he has the truth according to him and that's about it.  Well in trying to figure out what was going on and stressing beyond belief last week I am informed that he's not really moving out until the 23rd. 

There is no mention of the fact that it's his visitation weekend with the kids.  Granted he'll only see them for a few hours .. still .. really?  So I asked for clarification because I did wonder if possibly he wasn't moving until 6/1 .. and he verifies that yes he's moving 5/23 .. this phrasing made me laugh .. yes, I'm moving this weekend .. ookkk .. you have to be out by 5/23 or you are moving this weekend?  I asked if he had to be out by 5/23.  So I'm perplexed and he's now not responding to me when I asked if he knew anyone who would take the youngest and I sooo do not want to put her in a kill shelter because it would devastate me (obviously the cat too!).  I may run out of options at this point and I am just praying for a different ending.   

It just became so very clear and again .. I know this stuff logically, apparently my brain doesn't absorb it at the same rate as my logic dictates.  He can't think or process at the same level I do and expecting him to is really a level of insanity on my own part.  There are never any questions about the kids, visitation, anything that I would term "real life" situations because that would mean coming from a place of a real reality .. his reality where ever that is .. it is not the same as mine.  He's going to get a shock come the next court date .. it is what it is .. and I can't help that part of the deal .. he refuses to deal with reality. 

In the meantime life goes on .. this is the last week of school for them.  So we are trying to come up with some things to do that won't cost money however can be fun as well.  I don't think it's going to be a dull summer .. it will be busy is putting it mildly.  I would love to get a membership at the pool I don't know if I can or not.  We'll see.  My partner at work, .. we have talked about possibly me working a couple of days during the week .. we'll see I don't know if that will be possible or not.  That way I can come home and the kids and I can play for the rest of the afternoon .. maybe it's better I can't work full-time at the moment .. we will be able to do and go more places. 

Anyway, just a weird thought to have last night.  I am seeing him as a very damaged-sick individual without question.  I'm not sure how I feel about that fact. 

Hugs S :)

 



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

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PP


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Serenity, I feel for you...so much to maneuver through in your life right now.  I like how you are able to see the blessings in the muck.  Take good care.



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pinkchip


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After years of you compensating for him...He has to learn new independent living skills, new financial management skills, parenting. It is probably not just alcohol and drug directly damaging the brain as much as he's emotionally and life skill retarded out there on his own. All he had to do with you is work. He didn't manage life. You likely did that for him. Now he appears brain damaged but he really just drank himself out of coping skills and hadn't learned them since the split because he is still drinking. If he got sober and really got into AA, I bet he would slowly return to the real world and adult functioning. Just my take on how this disease works. He seems more damaged now because he has less enablers.

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el-cee


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Great share serenity, acceptance truly frees us. It is sad but its true, they think so differently from a sober person. It canbe so frustrating, especialky when tryign to deal with important issues, especially involving kids. I had to realkse that he was never on the same page as me. Ive heard it called black and white thinking. His perspective is so narrow, its so weird to me. I used to think my ex was very stupid but hes actually brain damaged to a degree.expecting anything more is insanity and leaves us vulnerable to disappointment and frustration of our own making really. I totally get where you are coming from.x

 

Just read wnat pinkchip wrote, makes so much sense to me.x



-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 20th of May 2014 02:56:22 PM

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ilovedogs


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I like what Pink said: life skill retarded....I know how sad it is to watch someone spiral and then wonder why they just can't seem to see what you see. He lost his main enabler, YOU, and isn't capable of functioning as an adult, especially an adult without a substance. I do hope you guys get to do some fun stuff this summer, though, the kids would probably appreciate it. HUGS!

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grateful2be


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I, too, used to get so frustrated with my x. One day my Mom said, "You are trying to reason with him as if he is an adult. He's not capable of adult reasoning right now. Why waste your energy on trying to make a kid an adult?" She woke me up. It was true. I was trying to talk with him adult to adult. It was one of those going to the bakery and expecting to find nails kinds of things. I saved myself a ton of energy after that thanks to Mom and her way of cutting right through the fluff and getting to the heart of the matter. Sounds like you've arrived there now, too?

I'm happy to see you have a summer to look forward to with your two "real" kids. Lots of hugs for you and lots of prayers for kitty, too.

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SerenityRUS


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pinkchip wrote:

After years of you compensating for him...He has to learn new independent living skills, new financial management skills, parenting. It is probably not just alcohol and drug directly damaging the brain as much as he's emotionally and life skill retarded out there on his own. All he had to do with you is work. He didn't manage life. You likely did that for him. Now he appears brain damaged but he really just drank himself out of coping skills and hadn't learned them since the split because he is still drinking. If he got sober and really got into AA, I bet he would slowly return to the real world and adult functioning. Just my take on how this disease works. He seems more damaged now because he has less enablers.

I love everyone's ESH and yes it has been a lot to deal with .. I started realizing something .. it has been 2 years now since I filed .. UGH .. this is absolutely ridiculous.  In his mind I'm the one holding things up .. that is not the case .. it would be so easy to fix .. however he's just not willing to do so. 

What Pink has written really hit me between the eyes in a good way.  Yes, you are absolutely right .. all he had to do was work and he didn't have to think because I did that part of the deal that was my role in our relationship.  I did the thinking for two people plus another two who didn't have much say in what was going on and I wonder why I was exhausted all of the time.  Who wouldn't be .. that was a LOT of wasted energy. 

I do believe that he has some kind of brain damage because he has literally no short term memory.  If he really hasn't been drinking for supposedly 10 months (according to his truth that I really don't believe)  then SOMETHING should have come back now.  The other thing I realized is that with this move it's the 5th time in 2 1/2 years he has moved back in with his mother AND he is exactly where he was 2 years ago.  That has to be rough in terms of mentally, there really are a lot of things raining down on him at the moment and with the fact no one is thinking for him he's got more and more coming down.  It would on me, moving that many times would be rough.  Plus all of the consequences he's never had to face. 

I can completely see as well where Pink is coming from and there has to be a combination of the two issues.  I don't believe really he's stopped drinking based upon the raging that has  happened .. the sad thing is I can see exactly which buttons to push they are lit up like a Christmas tree at the moment.  I'm going to let it go and bide my time on some issues that need to be addressed as it won't make a difference now and why piss him off before another court date .. I'm sure by the time we go he will be really on a roll. 

Interesting day to say the least ..

 

 

 



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Debilyn


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yes wet brain is horrible. that was how I finally was able to let mine go. I thought, he is not the person I loved, he is dead.He would not even recognize me I bet you.

Some is denial. Its a strange thing huh? It will make it easier for you now, knowing he honestly cannot process with his brain anymore.

I came to where I didn't pay any attention to him and had to do my own thing.

Lots of times when things are all calm, quiet, i too will wake up and the obstacle I have been thinking about, the answer will be there.

hope things go ok!



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pinkchip


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I'm not saying wet brain doesn't happen, but it usually takes so long and years and years and years of hardcore alcoholism to get wet brain (Weirnicke Korsakoff's syndrome). What often appears as brain damage is post acute withdrawal, ONGOING use that the person is lying about, changing from alcohol to drugs and trying to hide it, and coping skills deficiency. I know when I stopped drinking, I was so overwhelmed and upset by everything that I didn't have the mental capacity to process things the way I can now. Even while going to lots of meetings and having a sponsor, I still was a mess for am entire year or so. I was quick to snap, starting silly relationships that were rebounding and due to me being scared to be alone...I would get lost driving and seem confused because I was so stressed out about regular adult problems. Since your STBAX is not in any real recovery, he is scrambling around trying to latch onto enablers rather than learn how to be a grown up single man. His mother now seems to be the main enabler because she keeps letting him move back every time he screws up an cant pay his rent. He may sound brain damaged because his situation is always so dire now...having to move from place to place, any girl he's involved with catching on to how dysfunctional he is, being paranoid about you taking all his money...blah blah...that is the picture I'm getting. A person like that is too busy scrambling around trying to get their needs met to process information logically.

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SerenityRUS


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Pink, I soooo appreciate your shares because your assessment of him is COMPLETELY correct. I have to remind myself if you have 3 years of recovery (?) and he has maybe 3-4 months of inconsistent sobriety (IMHO, .. he's telling the kids he has 10 months .. I don't believe) .. this can be dry drunk behavior. I guess what concerns me so much about his behavior is the memory loss. I mean did you have sober memory loss? I would assume during initial sobriety .. that happens especially about the past .. however .. even during the dry moments? I guess that's the part that I can't get past .. I'm grateful that I'm no longer thinking for 4 people and now even with the kids I try to just think for myself and guide them if they struggle. I have been reminded recently I don't have to agree with their choices .. it's their choices and it's their consequences. My daughter has gotten a couple of jolts that she's said umm .. that didn't work out .. and you knew it wouldn't .. LOL me .. well honey .. some things you have to figure out on your own.

His mother is ill (and an alcoholic) I do believe that he is financially motivated because the POS truck is falling apart literally AND he has got fines as well as atty fees out the wazoo probably up over 7k or so total .. this doesn't include the latest issue of the bill coming down the pipe for Lord only knows what in terms of is this the medical bill that is coming now or what? It's a good excuse though that his mom is ill that he move back in and let the fun of the drinking and escaping begin again .. he won't be able to hold it together for the long term.

His recovery is Celebrate Recovery and it's really not my business to understand it does make me curious. Especially when you share about hundreds of meetings a month and he's going to 4 monthly and some kind of fellowship after the meeting. Hmm .. how's that working for him? Well it's not improving our relationship in the least I just mean in terms of we are still married .. LOL!

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"A person like that is too busy scrambling around trying to get their needs met to process information logically."
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Putting that into my memory banks .. good grief I know better .. I know better .. I know better. It's all about survival. He runs from one moment to the next not looking back at the damage he leaves behind him. Seriously not even realizing it is there, it's not an excuse it just is what it is .. it's sad is what it is.

Anyway, I never thought he had wet brain .. I do believe he's done something to his brain .. the memory issue is so horrific I swear he has dementia. That's the part I have such a hard time with .. then I watch and he's so consumed in the disease he can't look outside of himself to even realize that there are other people standing around him. He IS so busy trying to survive he doesn't process information the way that I do .. and not that I'm always right .. however we are just on two different playing fields.

Hugs S :)





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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
pinkchip


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I'm going on 6 years sober. The first year was horrid and great all at once, but I really was going to 7 meetings a week, calling my sponsor daily, doing service, and step work. I really started turning the corner around 2 years. I also lost my enabler at the start even though he was another alcoholic (we enabled each other). I can sort of sense where your stbax is at but also throwing in his program, if you can call it that is weak.

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