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After I have moved out, AH also moved out after 10 days. Now I have two places to stay. Since I signed a 6 months lease, I am now responsible to pay this and my first house. my family members asked if I regretted moving out since I could have waited for 10 days and AH may moved by then. I actually feel that the act of moving itself is a statement to my kids, him and myself.
these 10 days, I feel calmer, more able to detach from his actions and focus on the kids and myself now. Being in the same house, I walk between not being an enabler and not being mean (punishing him for his drinking). How can I face him the next day with all smiles yet not giving him the message that all is well? How can I detached myself from him without him thinking I am judging him? If I don't smile, he will think that i am picking a fight.
He did not stop drinking these 10 days. However, I get to chose to pick up the phone, answer the text or not. Being in the same house, I can hear him, smell the alcohol and sense the anger.
This makes me wonder how can one not be an enabler staying in the same house? How can one mean what one says without being mean if staying in the same house? I know I failed horribly. Only through God it is possible.
Now he wants to go al anon f2f meeting with me. I rather he goes to aa but there is no aa that runs parallel in this city. Is it a good idea to let him come along? I tend to think going for anything is better than not going at all. Any advise will be great.
We aren't supposed to give advice, however, I say a big no to going with you to your meeting...this is your meeting, not his opportunity to control and manipulate. He will or won't find his way; you are finding yours. You have not failed miserably, you are moving forward powerfully. Listen to the voices of those of us who have walked in your shoes. Well done!
I agree sunshine it would be no different than you attending AA with him in closed meetings .. everyone needs that time alone and apart especially if there are deep seeded things that you are trying to work through the worst thing that can happen is having that used against you. I would not attend the same recovery meeting my stbax attends it's a weird thing to have happen.
The biggest peace I got was removing him from the house .. I don't regret that .. I wish he had found recovery and chooses to follow through with what he's doing now .. however .. I do not regret not having to deal with the insanity on a face to face basis. It was just way to hard and the kids were suffering for it.
Hugs S:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree that moving out was a good move to make on your part. Whose to say the AH would have moved out in 10 days if you hadn't moved on? Whose to say that if you move back into the original apartment, he won't be headed right back there? Moving is a major transition and now that you are where you are - the criticism - if that is what is happening is from people who weren't living with him. Only you know what is best for you. Others can share their experience and their concerns - ultimately, only you can listen deeply to your HP and do what your HP says to do with the energy provided. When I separated and later divorced my A - everybody thought I was making a mistake - in large part due to religious beliefs and being ignorant of what I was living in with my kids. Fast forward 10 years after the divorce and the same critics were telling me what a wise move I had made. Didn't matter what they thought either time. I knew what I knew and I did what I did because it was right for me and didn't need to be right for everybody else who had their own stuff to work on.
I couldn't live and can't live with an active A. Heck! I can't even stand staying in wedding receptions when the booze starts to flow. I don't like hanging out with people on drugs - alcohol or other kinds that affect the brain in ugly ways. I don't allow active As in my home or in my social circle. Once I suspect somebody is a problem drinker, I move on from their presence. When that is impossible to do based on the circumstances, I limit my exposure to them and find ways to back out slowly. I also wouldn't want to share my meeting time with an active A who I am related to on a contractual basis like a husband or a family member or even a co-worker who is early to the Al-Anon program although not an A. I see those meetings as my opportunity to take care of me and I don't want to spend my time with non-treated As who think all their problems are due to me or active codependents that I know who will want to focus on me and my stuff because it is easier than looking at them and their stuff. I also don't want to blow somebody else's recovery because they will be afraid to share what is true for them.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of May 2014 09:25:53 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of May 2014 09:26:52 AM
I agree that he shouldn't go to an Al Anon meeting with you. First, he probably isn't qualified, since he probably doesn't have a friend or relative whose drinking is affecting him. His being concerned about his own drinking is addressed in AA. Also, what if someone is there that needs to frankly vent about alcoholism? His presence would put a huge damper on it. Also, the other members likely just won't have it, I wouldn't want it in my meeting and one of us would probably ask him to leave, especially if we knew he was in there (perhaps coercively) with you.
The point of Al Anon is really for you, to help you recover,. You can't recover with him breathing down your neck in your safe space. He needs to be responsible for his own recovery, you can't help him.
The things you are dealing with are not easy at all. I think you are doing great, progress not perfection! You feel calmer, that is probably a big improvement right there, which leads to more rational thought-out decisions.
He doesn't need his AA meetings to "run parallel" to your alanon meetings. If he has any real willingness to get sober, he can find his own AA meetings just like I did. I would tell him he doesn't need you sitting the with him as he has to be the one to seek out and follow up on his own recovery. From there, he can stay out of your recovery and you his.
Hi, I dont think him attending alanon is a good idea. Alanon is for you, getting support and help. Aa is for the drinker. If an alcoholic is at a meeting it is declared an open meeting and this can change the vibe in a meeting, members may be less comfortable or open. There are not many open alanon meetings in my area, you could check the website, there is usually a contact number. If hes still drinkjng then alanon meetings are not the place for him. There are double winners at my meeting occasionally but tney are very specific when sharing, its about how alcoholism in a loved one affected them. They all have been sober for years.x
My al-anon meetings are for me and my serenity and any of my A's attending would take away from that. You have to decide what it would mean to your serenity and put that first. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Sunshine. Thank you for your post. It's very relevant to me on both points, but his attendance at your meetings in particular. My active AH has attended the last several meetings with me, and it's not a good thing. At first, I thought it would be all right, once, so he would understand we're not a group of gossipers, so he would see how uplifting and positive an activity is it truly is. Also, I hoped it would lead to his attendance at the AA meeting held in the same building at the same time.
Now in hindsight I see what a pathetic hope that was. He is actively drinking, so his paranoia has nothing to do with logic. He sees and hears what his disease lets him. He did not talk, but no matter. I was completely obsessed with his behaviors as well as my own. His presence triggered my shame and need to control. I have no idea how it affected the others. They were, however, very kind to both of us, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Now, my husband thinks he's "in recovery" of sorts! None of the meetings in our community are closed, however, except for one specifically for teens. So, my sponsor says to let it go. I'm not to manage him. I feel really bad about it, though, because I know he is not there for any recovery of any kind, but to passive aggressively control my own. He is not happy with me and Alanon. He wants to fight about it, negotiate it, blame it, you name it. I refuse to give up my lifeline, as that is what it is to me. It will be interesting how this turns out. Something tells me it won't be pretty.
As to staying in the same house without being an enabler, victim or punitive witch, I'm with you. I have not found how to do that, am still trying, but not convinced it's feasible. I've made loads of progress, but wonder if my own presence is the very obstacle to his recovery. I do appreciate knowing others are struggling with the same circumstances. Know that I do not see you as a failure, but an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
