How old are your kids HC?

Mine are 15 girl and 10 boy both just turned this year. I believe in honesty and letting them know whatever is going on with their dad is just not about them .. he's not ok and maybe somewhere down the line he will get ok. Unfortunately .. not today.

I probably go against the grain in terms of talking to them about what is going on only because for me with my divorcing parents .. I knew the bad (I witnessed a LOT of bad behavior from both of my parents and then my dad was an absent father completely and totally I can honestly say .. he's been out of my life far longer than he's been in it at this point in my age and he was not an alcoholic .. he was a sucky father) and what I didn't know I speculated which was far worse than the reality .. sometimes .. what I thought was wrong was actually much more tame in comparison. Now when I say that I mean .. we talk about money, we talk about feelings, we talk about reality. We talk about forgiveness and the fact no one is perfect. We just talk. Some is appropriate .. and sometimes it's not. My daughter's therapist asked me .. can you just put on a happy face even if you don't feel that way .. and my response was .. you know what .. some day I may get there .. not today .. I will try not to grind my teeth when I hear he's done one more stupid thing .. however .. I'm only human and watching them struggle seriously pisses me off as a mother .. they should not have to deal with these things. I console myself with at least he can't take them to whore houses and things of that nature as my father did .. and while my daughter's anxiety hit the highest point it's been in the past many months two weeks ago .. I'm grateful for the fact she knows she can come to me and talk about these things. I'm grateful for the fact both of my kids are getting coping skills that they wouldn't get and I watch some of their friends struggle with their home situations and think you know .. it really could be worse. My kids are getting some hard life lessons now and I hope that means for them in the long run they will have an easier time coping. The biggest gift I try and give them is that none of this is their fault. They are terrific kids. They are cherished and valued, I only hope they feel that in their soul.

Both of my kids are in counseling and will continue to go on a maintenance venue to help them deal with their dad .. I try and be very clear that it is ok to love their dad even when I don't like their dad at all. It is ok to love him and not like or agree with his behavior. It is ok for them to say that they love him .. although I deserve the space to say .. I'm glad you feel that way, I'm not in a space to talk about your dad in love terms at the moment. THEN later after I've screamed into a pillow and/or talked to my sponsor .. lol .. we talk when I'm in a better frame of mind and we talk about the good things that he does .. LOL .. such as the one thing I can go back to .. your dad is a hard worker and he really loves you the best he can. On their struggling days I add sometimes his best really sucks and it makes it hard as well as confusing to have conflicting feelings. Which I can relate to .. there are days I think .. you know he's not such a bad guy .. and there are days I think OMGOSH .. God .. please help me I'm going to punch him in the face if he opens his mouth ONE more time.

I'll be honest .. I do say things such as .. I don't like your dad much right now and until his words and actions match I have no reason to believe a word he says. One good action doesn't undo all of the years of hurt I have been through, so we pray that your dad finds the help he needs and he deserves. Again my kids are older and I try and keep things age appropriate. Some days are better than others especially when I'm thrown yet another curve. They have seen me struggle, their dad choose not to see them for over 1/2 a year, they know without question I am not perfect and I feel ok with that .. I just try and really validate where they are at and not minimize it or maximize it. I really try and focus on their strengths while guiding them through some of their weaknesses.

We talk a lot about God as well .. I have my faith and it reminds me that this is all about God and His timing, His control and I'm just another bozo on the bus trying to do the best I can.

Hugs S :)

PS - If I had the option of Alateen I would gladly take them unfortunately distance and expense means that it is not something that is available. If we go to a bigger town that is something I would love to do for them.